Talking About Bipolar

Sharing Bi-polar moments

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A lonely disease

I see over and over again how lonely it is having a mental illness.

My family does not seem to see or know the difference when something I do is out of my character and is part of the mental illness.  Most of them seem to think I do illogical, irrational and selfish things just to do them, which is not the case.

There are things I do and behavior I display when manic that I would otherwise not display.  It leaves me feeling that I am a mean person rather than the nice person others seem to think I am.

I feel like an outsider with some of my family members but then I feel silly for having those feelings when called out on them.  What do I do with these conflicted feelings?   I accept that my feelings are my feelings and that I should keep them to myself and move on with life.  It is only a hiccup.

I am trying to accept that some will never understand my illness.  They believe that if certain things would happen in my life,  I would not be dependent upon medication or that my depression would leave for good or at least impose a visit less often.

I have bipolar 1 and I will always be on medication until the psychiatrist tells me I don’t have to be.  I don’t see that happening unless the medical field finds a way to cure our sick brains of the chemical imbalance that causes the bipolar besides, I know what I am like and how I struggle when I am off medication.  I don’t think they would like what they would have to deal with to be around me.

Sometimes I think I will be alone the rest of my life without a companion.  I need someone who can see and know the difference when I am manic and when I am not.  He has to be strong for the both of us when I am depressed.  He has to not give up on me or us and know that I will come through the storm.  I already know I will.  When I am with my family while manic or after mania, I don’t feel this will come to fruition but when I am well or alone, I have hope and I will keep hope alive.

I am alone most of the because I don’t want to have to explain my behavior every time I get manic or have been manic.  I feel like I am hurting important people in my life with my manic behavior but they don’t understand, “It is what it is” and what it is, is manic-depression.  Some things I catch in a thought before it happens, other things are not a thought just an action that surprises me just as much as it does them.  I have to live with the consequences, they don’t so please cut me some slack.  It is not easy to clean up manic messes.

Despite having to be alone most of the time, I am doing okay with me.  I am enjoying the sane parts of my life and dealing with the not so sane parts.  What else can I do; go inside a cocoon and stop living just to protect the feelings of others.  If they really knew me, they would know it is not really me.                                                                                                                                                                                        I wish I never acted out on impulse, felt alone, had to clean up messes and all those good things that come with being bipolar, but it is here to stay so all I can do is learn how to roll with the punches, stay focused, positive, embrace all the good in life I can by going after my dreams and making them come to fruition.

At the end of the day, I am who I am and I have to love me.

stay positive, focused and live your life to the fullest

Love to all

pb: Positively Pursuing my Passion as a Peer Supporter

Everyone needs a helping hand and an understanding ear

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No regrets

I was thinking this morning how thankful I am to God for where I am in life right now and I realized I have no regrets.

There were times I was in some dark places and I have done things I am certainly not proud of, however, all those experiences contribute to the person I am today.

If I spent my time regretting my life and decisions I’ve made, I would not be able to move forward and that would be a shame.

I believe the experiences we go through and come through in life shape who we become.

You cannot teach a person to be compassionate, understanding of others’, have empathy or do things from the heart.  These are traits one is usually born with or develop as a result of being put in a position of non favor and having to overcome ridicule/ negative comments or behaviors from others.

Living with a mental illness or recovering from drug/ alcohol addiction are examples of life experiences that can potentially help develop these traits.

Had it not been for some experiences in my life from a young child, I doubt I would be thinking about a career that would allow me to help encourage others to reach their goals.  I would not be effective at relating to people in various life situations.  I would have nothing to share.  I would not have a story to tell showing people hope.

Without those humbling experiences I would not be able to show compassion, empathy, be nonjudgmental regarding a person’s situation or even know the importance of really listening.

These are all reasons why I have no regrets.

love to all,

pb: Positively and Persistently Pursuing my dream to be a Peer Support Person.

Everyone needs someone to walk with them sometime.


Mania on a high wire

Things have been pretty zany lately.

It feels like I have been walking a tightrope without a safety net. The safety net would have been my support system.

I have not been manic for a while and this time was more intense than it had been in the past.  All the emotions were at the extreme end of the spectrum and I was there alone.  My support system was down and I was on the high wire with no one to spot me; needless to say, it was very scary.

The mania has passed and I am back to the middle of the pole.  I can finally exhale (for now) and just in time because I have started applying for jobs in the mental health field.

With a position in the mental health field I will be able to take all the good, the bad and the not so good experiences of living with a mental illness and hopefully give someone else hope and inspiration for new and better tomorrows.

I believe we can help others who are struggling with and trying to get balance in life with a mental illness, when we are willing to share our struggles and victories with them.

Sometimes hearing what someone else is experiencing reassures us that we are not alone in what we go through.  This knowledge helps me remember in a storm that I will get through this just as others have.  Someone else’s victory gives me strength to hold on as well as remembering my past rise from storms.  I am like the phoenix who rose from the ashes.

  Rising like a phoenix from the ashes

               1. Mythology A bird in Egyptian mythology that lived in the desert for 500 years and then consumed itself                        by fire, later  to rise renewed from its ashes.
               2. A person or thing of unsurpassed excellence or beauty; a paragon
     My greatest desire has always been to be able to inspire others to take steps to make a better life for themselves regardless of what life gives.  I am a person who loves people and I love sharing all the trials and triumphs that I have experienced both physically and mentally to show others that regardless of how high the mountain or how low the valley you can come through to the surface where there is light and life.

I love where I am at this point in my life even with the mania.  Sometimes the mania makes life more exciting because it causes me to go outside of the box society tries to keep people in.  It can be amazing and exhilarating living out of the box and making your own tracks in life.

Everything that I have gone through and will go through make me who I am and make me a stronger person.  I no longer kick against the things I have no control over (bipolar mania and sadness leading to depression- chemical imbalance), but embrace what makes me unique and try to live everyday to the fullest.

A person will never meet two bipolar people who are the same because even though we have the same diagnosis and experience mania and depression, it is different for everyone.

Live life to the fullest regardless of where you are in it.  Always reach for more than what you have and further than where you are.  You deserve all that life has to offer.  Go after it with all the gusto you have and use the force of mania to propel you as far as it can.

Love to all,

pb:  Persistent and Passionately Pursuing my dream to support and uplift others on their journey.

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No worries

No Worries:

That’s what someone says to me when things are not going so well and they try to make the best of the situation.

It would be nice to be able to say that after a manic episode.  It seems as though, we may have no worries at that moment when our behavior or attitude is less desirable.  Unfortunately, it seems as though we are cleaning up messes made during times of mania.

Does anyone else have to clean up messes after an episode of mania?  Maybe with a family member, friend, co-worker or even a neighbor you have become friends with over the years?

Has it cost you a friendship, relationship with a family member or maybe even a job?

On the other hand, do family members or close family friends seem to be a trigger for your mania or anxiety?

What is one to do?

Please share your manic episode mess experience.  Who was it with, what happened and were you able to clean up the mess or did it cost you something.

We continue to learn from each other.

love to all,

pb aka peanut butter

Persistently Pursuing my Passion to be a Peer Supporter

Everyone needs a hand up and a true listening ear.

Purpose to have an awesome day.

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Is it me or mania

The last couple of weeks have been kind of challenging.

The irritability started ever so slightly that I did not notice is was there.  It started climbing and rearing its ugly head more and more each day but only in the late afternoon until early evening.

I have not felt this way in so long, I wondered if it was me or bipolar mania.  Since I was okay in the early part of the day and totally not okay in the latter part, I began to wonder: then I realized it was the mania.

When I am manic I feel it in my arms. It is a strong force that feels as though it is consuming me.  No one including me knows how it is going to go.  Bipolar- different ends of the spectrum.  I could go on the end of funny where it seems as though my tickle box fell over and there was no way to close it.  I would be in fun city and made sure I was only around others who enjoyed a good laugh.  I never know how I will be entertaining myself or others.

The mania does eventually go to the other end of the spectrum where rage takes over.  When I notice this, usually because I have made a relationship mess, I feel as though I need to isolate myself but I do not, I can not.  When I take a day to isolate, it becomes easier to be alone the next day and the next. Eventually I find I do not want to go out of the house and then depression takes over.

It is part of my mental health maintenance plan to get out of the house everyday, regardless.  I try to stay away from people that are a trigger for me.  When I am manic and around them, the mania is worse.

I realized that when I see my therapist while I am in high mania toddling  between funny and angry, it is not a good thing for me.  When I leave the office I am more manic and have a strong desire to go party, to go look for trouble.  Fortunately, I have been able to avoid following through with a plan to do so.  However, I now know, do not go when manic.  Just another nugget to put in my toolbox.

During both mania and depression, I need to spend the greatest amount of time with positive and supportive people.  I feed off this and it lets me know someone is there to help me through the storm.

So, when manic: I feel free, like a different me.  I feel like Jekyll and Hyde.  I can be even keel, then everything is funny and I want to be entertaining.  I have so many ideas that I cannot keep up with putting them down on paper.  I become more argumentative and sensitive than usual.  The other end, the not so pleasant side is the rage side.  It sometimes causes a rift in relationships and has cost me my job in past.  Mania behavior also makes me not like who I am.  When I start beating myself up, I remember it is the mania and  keep it moving.

Stinking thinking comes front and center in manic episodes.  In the past, it would really do a number on me and would eventually lead me into the camp of depression.  Now I recognize it more and have learned to decipher fact from fiction in the majority of cases.

I have not learned to recognize the begging symptoms yet and still struggle a bit with stinking thinking and therefore must keep a watchful eye on the beginning of mania and try to ward it off is possible.

Rage is in a category by itself.  By the time I feel rage, it is too late to stop it.  It usually comes right on the heel of or overlaps mania.

What is your mania like?  Do the things you do when manic cause you to ask yourself if it is mania or just you?  How do you handle your mania?  Is your mania followed by depression?  I would really like to know.

love to all,

pb aka peanut butter

t me know.


Lookout, I’m on the roller coaster ride

Right now the ride feels good.  It is exhilarating.  I am productive and energetic.

The pattern: AM- even keel.  Middle of the pole doing well.

Afternoon the change begins:  I laugh more and I want everyone else to laugh.  I want to be the cause of them laughing.  It is easy to do antics because I am high energy, don’t care who sees and I feel free.  I have come out of the box that people close to me have tried to keep me in.  It shows in my speech speed and my driving speed.  It also shows in my energy level.  It is off he chart when manic.

I become very silly.  I sing wherever I am.  I dance wherever I am.  It does not matter if it is in the store or the park.

Someone will see me and begin to laugh.  For that moment, they forget whatever they were thinking or worrying about.  At that moment life is great. For me it was worth the dancing outside the box just to make someone laugh or join in.

My take: mental illness is serious but we don’t have to live every moment in the serious box.  Part of being bipolar is being uniquely you.

People without bipolar are unique, yes, but we are uniquely us.  We are an enigma (a person of puzzling or contradictory character).

By the late afternoon into the early evening, you would swear I using illegal drugs.  Behavior is off the chart in a fun manic way but then it turns to the dark park of mania.  I get upset about something and go from 1 or 2 straight to 10 and it is not pretty.  I would not want to be around me.

I isolate myself to protect others from my rage.  The isolation is not good for me but it must be done or I will be cleaning up a lot of relationships (only a few are left).  Now instead of isolating in the house and getting depressed, I have decided to go out  of town every other weekend and do something fun to keep my mind off the separation from my family and friends until the storm passes.

Does anyone else experience this?

love to all

Persistent, Precious and Positive Patricia

Dolphins In Hawaii

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Proud of me and loving me

What I have learned about me.
I love who I am and make no apologies to anyone.
When you see me, you see the real me: the good, the bad and the not so good. So when you love me, you accept and love all of me.
When you have me as a friend, I am your friend for life and I have your back.
I am not perfect and I do not strive to be. It is am impossible task for me and I use my energy to perfect the areas that I am proficient in and learn things I currently have little or no knowledge about.
I try to love everyone with the love of God because my human love fails.
I am a Precious human being, created by the almighty God.
I am Persistently Pursuing my Passion to be a Peer to Specialist in Mental Health and AOD because everyone needs and deserves a hand up.
I am a Mental Health advocate because I am tired of stigma attached to it. My job is to educate people so they do not continue to stigmatize people who are just like everyone else without a mental illness.

Bipolar does not define who I am.  There are no two people with bipolar who are the same, just as no two people without mental illness are the same.  We are all unique individuals with a lot to give.

We all love and desire to be loved.  We need and want to be needed.  We appreciate and want to be appreciated.  We understand and want to be understood.  We hear and want to be heard.

We are just as proud of ourselves as anyone else.

Above all that I am, I AM UNIQUELY ME

love to all,

pb aka peanut butter


Does anyone else ever

Even though I have been doing very well with managing bipolar symptoms, sometimes mania still creeps in.

Yesterday was one of those days.

I got through the bulk of the day and then the switch came on.  I was off the chart until I realized what was going on.  I was around to  much stimuli.  Now I know another trigger: to much stimuli.

As usual, when I am very manic, I am tired when I come down.  Evidently this had been building for the last few days and climaxed yesterday evening.  Needless to say, I slept good last night.

Does anyone else ever experience erratic behavior when manic?  Does your temper escalate over little things or nothing?  Do you go from upset to anger in a short period of time?

love to all

pb aka

Persistent in pursuit of mental wellness


Laugh in the face of not so good news

Today I got some not so good news back to back and all I could do was laugh.

What were my choices?  I could take the news, accept that there were no options, climb inside myself and cry till there were no more tears.  The second, choice (I gladly made) to laugh and realize that life is still good and these issues were just hiccups in the greater scheme of life.

People who know I have bipolar but don’t really know me, might say, I was laughing because I was manic.  Others who do not know me, may not refer to my behavior as manic, but would think my behavior was odd.

Well, the truth is, despite life’s’ upsets of mental illness symptoms, setbacks, physical ailments, unpaid bills, job loss and everything else, life is exciting and we need to learn to laugh more than we cry.

Because I took the second road, I was able to think clearly and resolve at least one of the problems and chose not to stress over the other.  There is a solution for the other, I just have not found it in my tickle box yet.

Having bipolar disorder with mood swings does not mean we are always either depressed or manic. It does not mean our response to situations mean we are exhibiting certain behaviors ascribed to mental illness.  Sometimes we are just being us.  I am just being me.  I would much rather laugh than cry.

Sometimes the way I respond to things is just my personality and it is okay.  I like being me.  I think having bipolar adds to me being uniquely me.  After all, it puts me in a group of special elite people like the ones who read my blog and others I come in contact with from time to time.

I am not saying, I am glad I have a mental illness, but if I dwell on it being a negative, I will live a life of misery and find no reason to fight to stay mentally well.

I did not ask for mental illness no more than I asked for any other illness I have.  Just as I have accepted having other illnesses and chose to try to live healthy, I need to do the same with bipolar.  Once I know my triggers, I need to avoid them if possible and deal with them when they cannot be avoided.  It just makes life more of a challenge.

One thing we can say, there are no boring spaces in our life when living day to day with mental illness.

Give mental illness symptoms a fight and embrace all the good parts you can and make the not so good parts better when you can.  Remember, episodes are storms that we have come through in the past and will continue to go through.  Never give up.

My name is Patricia.  I am positive that I am powerfully persistent at trying to bring a smile or a voice of understanding to all I meet on my journey of life.  Bipolar is another avenue for me to go down to meet others and try to make them smile or laugh even for just a moment in time.

Make someone laugh today, even if you only make yourself laugh for a brief moment.

love to all,

Positive and Persistent to cheer you on, Patricia


Pushing past the symtoms

Yesterday was a trying day.

I stayed in bed much longer than normal.  I really did not want to get out.  I stayed about 3 hours longer than normal and I was not tired or sleepy, just had no desire to get up.

When I finally got up, I pushed myself out of the house although I wanted no part of the outside world.  I knew that I had to go out despite how I was feeling even though I did not quite know at the time what I was feeling and why.

It was not until I called someone and realized how angry I was at the world and how bitter I sounded that I finally had to admit that I was depressed.  I have been trying so hard to stay as busy as possible for fear of getting depressed like I was this time last year.

I went to the library to listen to music to get into a different mood.

Later that day, I made plans to get together with someone and go to a movie.  I was a little hesitant because I was afraid my mood would show through and ruin the day for them.  I knew I had to do something fun because it is one of my tools for depression so I don’t give in to it.

It turned out to be a great time, although I overloaded on sweets, but I did not care.

I pushed past the symptoms: anger, irritability, lack of desire to get out of bed, leave the house and the need for isolation, and did not let the black hole of depression suck me in.

love to all,

pb aka peanut butter


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