Give me a tiny violin

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When people would just complain and feel sorry for themselves or have a woe is me attitude like I have been having over the last few posts one would hand play an imaginary tiny violin.

Thank you for bearing with me while having my pity party.

Well, this is my tiny violin for whining.

I read someone that family, friends and sometimes even us, cannot tell the difference between the behavior: is it the illness or just us, in my case, a little of both.

Now that I no longer have that woe is me attitude ( some me and some the illness)  all is well again (it appears to be alright now, but who knows when it will show up again)

It does create havoc for both me and the person who gets the brunt of my irritability and paranoia.  I have to hope that the other person can tell the difference, me or the illness.

I am asking the impossible.  How can they tell, when sometimes I can’t tell.  By the time I realize I am in anger or rage mode of mania, it is too late.

So far I have been forgiven but how much more can they take of behavior they do not understand?

 

I need love to mom

silhouette of mother kissing her daughter

Mom,

Why did you leave me not once but twice?

Did you think I could handle it better as an adult?

Guess what mom?

There is no difference in the pain.

Reluctantly, you told me you would be leaving town for a few days

and would let me know when.

You did leave, but you did not tell me

Sneaking  out of town to be with the child to whom

I  do not exist

There was a family gathering while you were there

Everyone was there except one

Me

I was the uninvited guest that no one missed

I know you love all others but what don’t you love me.

Am I so unworthy that you would just leave me here alone.

Mom

Please pray God take this pain and anger away

We will never have the same relationship that was already frail

But this goes beyond, accepting an apology I will never get

It destroys what little trust I had left.

I need to let you know I have never known in this life what

being loved feels like from a family of a parent and sibling.

I was told I was part of that family

When will it be done

When will I be another one of your children that you see doing no wrong

After all is said and done, maybe I do not know how to receive love.

Do you think that is it?

 

Feel the fury…

 

My mom abandoned me by just taking off and not letting me know.  It is as if secretly she wanted to be away from me.  I still feel betrayed and out of her family loop with 2 sons.051a51fee844998612098296a8dfacdf8d4618-wm

Is she running away from me?  Why did’t I know.  This has been in the plan for a while.

My brother is very angry with me and believes there is no further need for communication

It was alright with me because it did wonders for mystress level.  It declined so well I was slowly getting better.

It is not like my mom to just get and leave the state without telling me.

I know this trip was a plan in the mking for her not to tell me.  I no longer trust her.  It is almost as thought she abandoned me.

Knowing that to her, my youngest brother can do no harm.

It is okay to others in the family that he will curse you like a dog and then be everything is okay.  Well, it is not okay to me.  I don’take it anymore so I texted it to him.

Text messages tell what you are thinging and saying but not your tone or facial expression.

She adores my brother and he can do no wrong as far as he is concerned.  Many see there relationship and tell me “you can’t say nothing  bad around her about your brother.  Everyone sees it except her.

Some of my family is good at lying, bullying, manipulation, favorites among siblings (mine), taking sides but saying they are not involved and  narcissisticism.

I hate the secrets and lies, but that is never going to change.  I hate people not telling me something  because they think they know me and how I am going to react to something.  They make the decision that I do not want to know or that I do not care about what is going on.

Bipolar disorder does not define who I am.  The signs and symtoms just tell you what is wrong in my life.  Why I behave a certain way.  Know bipolar and know me.  They just don’t want to take the time to do it.  They have no interest.  They would rather label me as too blunt, do not care about anyone’s feeling but my own.  These are misconceptions or the way they interprest me.  All they need to do is ask if I am manic if they do  not know the symptoms.    Don’t judge me and label me as insensitive, help me learn how to cope with this illness just as you would any other illness.  I need help with this too.

I feel alone and angry.  Angry at her for leaving or abandoning me.  I feel alone and angry that no one seems to want to be in my life as a companion.  I am angry and feel alone because sometimes all that feeling alone and angry, takes me to rage.  Rage makes me feel I have to isolate and I hate that.  I feel alone when I am alone and get angry at the world including me.

Maybe you think there is nothing wrong with my brain and I am just a mean, spiteful person with and around my family only.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Oh Boy

I did it this time.

It seems as though my mother always seem to get the brunt end of my manic rages unless by chance I get to see the therapist.

Therapist.  Have not seen one in a while and that has proven to be a big mistake.  Instead of taking frustration out on mom, could have put all that anger and rage to the therapist.  She knows what is going on and pays the rage and anger no attention.  She is able to see past  that and know it is mania.

No therapist, rage unrestrained and in text messages: which is worse, text or phone talk or even face to face.

I say, if it is a family  member, neither is the best way.  Just find a therapist or a rock and shout what you need to.  Go someplace where there is an echo and you will hear what you were about to say to someone you love.  To someone that your words have the potential to hurt not only their feelings but the relationship and there goes another one, another relationship.  Hopefully mom will understand.

Maybe by some small chance mom understands  a little about bipolar and knows that rage is part of your mania.  Still, she will only take so much.

What about your siblings that don’t understand?  They are more than will to kick your ass for disrespecting mom.  Illness, what illness.

Maybe you used the same person as a frustrated screaming board, one time to many.  Let’s face it, they do not know what is going on (most of the people we know), at least not in my family.

What do you do when you cannot control your rage and people you love are getting the brunt end of it, especially mom/ dad.

How do you handle the rage in general?

It sneaks up on me and I begin to think bipolar is something made up and that I am really just a bitch.  (excuse the language) I begin to think, I really am this mean.  The other side of me says, you are sick and people just do not know, understand or rather say you disrespectful.

So, any answers: 1. Can and how do you control your rage?

2. Is your rage purposely directed at the person you are anger with or just a substitute

3. Has the relationship taken a beating

4. Have any of your relationships been permanently destroyed.

Here is a new one:  does someone think you just want attention?  That you are a drama person?    WTH

 

 

 

 

Need opinion, especially from men

part 2:  more curious questions, need more answers from both men and women.

Do men think about experiences beyond the car?

Are you offended when the woman takes the lead, even though you enjoy it?

Women, did you want him to stay for a minute, rather than get right up, put clothes on and leave.

Women: are your emotions tied to that experience that was only meant to be one time.  You both knew it would be a one time thing but did your emotions get the best of you and you just wanted to know if the dynamics of the tenant, maintenance person now turn into friends or at the least acquaintances.

Let me know how you feel about this experience.  Let me know if this blog sounded more like ramblings or was it written in a manner that you know where I am coming from?

For the last few months, I tried to forget about it.  It would pop into my head for no reason.  I did not know what the hell was going on, other than being annoyed that I could not get this out of the room in my mind that I put him in.

When I was done feeling angry and hurt that he had not for one minute thought about I was super hurt.  But a friend reminded me of something I said to her:

don’t give him a room in your head.  He is not worth it.

I made up my mind to kick him out of the room of my brain that I had kept him in.  No, he was not worth being on my mind for whatever reason.  I need that space for someone who wants to be in a relationship with me.

Finally, the song TKO came to my mind.  Most of you are probably too young to have heard it.  Teddy Pendergrass sang it.   Looks like another tko.  Gotta let it go.

Oh yes.  Thank you teddy, this was just one more person I had created a make believe relationship that included my jealous actions.  But being another person makes it a TKO and I needed to let it go.  It was so easy hearing that song remind me of the reality of the situation.  I still don’t know the dynamics and finally it is not important to  me.

Well, that is all there is.

 

 

Need opinion, especially from men

 

Women you are more than welcome to comment.  I would love to hear your answers if you have had a similar experience.

I was hyper-sexual during my manic episode (what else is new).  This time I fixated on the maintenance guy.

His kind spirit, raspy voice and goatee, made him very handsome and  irresistible.  I wanted him to notice me as more than a tenant.  I know he could not because of his job.

Still, I wanted to share myself and he share himself.  (I think you know what I mean)

With all the flirting back and forth, it was only a matter of time before something climatic would happen and when it did, I was the leader and he was the prisoner.  I could do whatever I wanted and I did.

Months later I realized I was manic when all this was going on.  I would send him insane text messages letting him know I wanted him.  (how sad that I did this)  The thing about sending scheduled text messages is that you never know when you said too much.  Oh boy.

I definitely said too much.  Poured out my heart.  Damn it.  It was unnecessary and embarrassing when I crashed from mania and realized I must have seemed very immature or just a horny tenant.

It left me feeling great and annoyed with myself  at the same time.

The sadness and annoyance I feel is that I was upset because I believe men do not think about sexual climaxes after much flirting.  They enjoy the chase and the capture and when all is done, that’s it.  It is only a brief memory, never to enter their thoughts again.

“Is that really how it is.  You flirt with her and things build and build until there has to be a climatic ending?”.

“Do you put your clothes on and say thank you and leave?  Is this a hit it and quit it?

How long will you remember that one and only sexual encounter?

Does it last beyond the minute it takes you to get out the door and poof, you forget about it.

Part 1

 

 

Is my mind sick or is it just me

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Mixed episode.  Sad, angry, no purpose in life, lonely.  No one cares

I am worthless, I need to stay away from people or they will judge me when I

don’t laugh or jest as I normally do.

Mixed episode manic side:  Natural high, but really high as some think I am doing drugs.

Speed talking and thinking so fast it is hard not to subject jump.

 

 

Dolphins In HawaiiEven keel.  Balanced.  Where I should be.  Everything illogical is not logical the right way. When manic the logical becomes the illogical and backwards.

I once asked my therapist how can I tell whether my actions were me or part of the bipolar.

I am still trying to figure that one out.

If I am extremely irritated and annoyed all the time when there does not seem to be a reason,

When I am mad at everyone but really no one.

When I am not in the mood to talk about my mental illness

When I rant and rave after having a blast on the top part of the roller coaster

When I lash out in anger or annoyance over things that usually only bug me

When I naturally stay up all night for 36 plus hours

When I am very productive and on a natural high

When I have to stay busy because of the adrenaline and can’t sleep or sit still,

I know it is the bipolar.  The manic side.

When I am angry when the other person is simply at annoyance

When, I say hurtful things or mess up relationships, I know it is not me.

 

I need the people in my life but mental illness puts a wedge between me and them. Relationships are destroyed.   I also suffer is what the other person does not understand.  I have destroyed a relationship because I was operating from the sick side of my brain.

I lash out in rage, but the other person is wondering what the hell is going on.  That person is  only at annoyance or reaching anger.

I try to explain that we will never be at the same emotion at the same time for the same situation.

When people see me go off verbally, ranting and raving, they just think I am mean and hurtful.  Not everyone in my life thinks this but most of them do.

Wondering causes me confusion and I contemplate not taking the medicine because in my thought process all this is me and I do not need the medicine. I guess I do not fully subscribe to that bit of logic because I have learned to stay on the medications, just because I know how I am without them and maybe, just maybe the therapist and the psychiatrist know what they are talking about.

Maybe I really do have a mental illness and my emotions are heightened because of it.

Maybe I really am a bitch, but I don’t think so.  Some people would rather believe that I am a bitch rather than that I have a mental illness.

To them I say, “deal with it or leave me alone”

Mania: some people with mental illness and some that do have mental illness but no bipolar,  never take into consideration how it is for me to change throughout the day: up and down like a see saw going from mania to depression (or on the way) .  This pattern repeats itself for hours and sometimes days.  I hate it because I can’t make any of it stop.

These are mixed episodes and like mania and depression I cannot control them.

I am being judged for my actions without an expert witness to testify for me.  To let them know that this is not the real me.

I agree to do things on the spur of the moment without thought for consequences and no one believes that.  It is believed I am the way I am because I simply choose to be so and then conveniently blame mania.

Again, to them, I say “learn of my illness and you will get to know me”

 

Does any of this sound familiar???:?

No one get to ….

I love this expression of determining and letting others know what they do and do not get to say or do that is acceptable to me.

People without a mental illness diagnosis, do not get to judge my actions, labeling them as they see it or according to their perceptions.  Just ask me, maybe then you will not judge, but understand.

People without a mental illness do not get to ignore me, treating me as though I am not there by talking  about me as if I do not exist.  No, they do not get to ignore me.  No one does.  I am a force to be seen and heard.  I am here.  You do not get the right to ignore me in word or deed.

No one gets to say I am not perfect because I have a mental illness.  Do they not know a person’s mental health has nothing to do with being perfect.

People do not get to say, I am not smart.  Who determines smart anyway?  Just because a subject does not hold my attention does not mean I am not smart. More than likely it is so boring, I do not care to contribute.   Just because a person has much to say does mean what they are saying is correct.

Get the point?

No one gets to say just anything to me or treat me any kind of way, nor I to them.  We all deserve respect.

As people living with an uninvited guest: bipolar, depression, schizophrenia or any other mood disorder, we do not and will not let anyone say what they want or do what they want.

Remember:  No one gets to……

What do people not get to say or do, where you stand?

 

 

Sometimes I shake my heart

and scream at it, what is wrong with you.

Is there something in my looks, that tell a person, I am messed up before we even talk.

Does my careful actions say, I am trying to hard.

Am I being so careful, it shows I am hiding something and refusing to reveal this secret.

I shake my heart because it has had to many, ” I  like you but: our time to get together will come.  (what is wrong with now or tomorrow if you need more time” and “we will talk about it”, when you damn well know, there is no opportunity to see or talk to you.  Sounds like in you mind it is a delicate way to let me down.  Don’t be delicate.  Just let me down.

I would rather know the truth now than after wading through a cesspool of lies.

If you do not like my looks, if average is not good enough for you, if you know we will never talk, then why lie.

Say what you need to say and don’t worry about how I will take it, that is only to make you feel better, does it really make you feel better that  if you told  the truth?  I hope that lie haunts you.  Do I sound bitter?  Hell, yes I am.  Tired of the king of fizz instead of the cool fresh pop.

As a people with  mental illness, we are lied to, tolerated and very much misjudged.  Why should the love factor be added to all the other bull.  Tell one thing straight out.  Must we be lied to about just about everything unless,  YOU can readily admit you are the one with the problem and damn you don’t even take medication.

Halt, stop, take a break, back it up, back it up and you let it marinate.

Maybe you should be the one taking the medicine and shaking your heart because you let a damn good person get away.

And one more thing, mental illness does not define who we are no more than having cancer, kidney disease or a broken foot that will never heal.  These do not define who we are,  they are just things happening in our mortal bodies.

 

Think about what you are doing as you find yourself walking away, lying to or ignoring the person who may be the best thing that ever happened to you.

While you stood there flattering yourself thinking you are a nice pop but really you are a fizzle, thinking you are a crisp bag of chips when you are only a stale bag of chips, left over from someone who realized what you had but is now there’s.

Better take yourself off your own throne and say, maybe I need some medication, I just let the best thing every happen to me walk away.  Then it will be you,  shaking your heart and screaming,  What is wrong with you.

Subject jumper part 2

Dolphins In HawaiiLook closely enough and you will see me having a great time with my peers.  We are with each other to be supportive, to have fun and to join together as a family.

I am still ambitious.  I want to make sure I educate as many people as possible what bipolar really is.  Not what they think, not what the media feeds them and certainly not what people who stigmatized us tell them.

As people with mental illness we are sometimes shun by family, friends, acquaintances, co-workers or anyone who is a part of our life.  All this because they lack the knowledge and some even lack the desire to take the time to educate themselves about bipolar.

To try to understand mental illness is a beginning.

Learning about bipolar symptoms  and how to recognize them in me, is the beginning of showing me I matter and that I am a worthwhile person to you.

Going to support groups, at times attending therapy with me and even taking the time to go with me and share with my psychiatrist what you observe when I am on a certain medication,  truly makes me feel you really do care about me mentally as much as you do if I have an incurable and visible illness.

Finally, answering my call when I give the secret word that I need help because I am ascending to the top of the roller coaster of mania or rapidly descending from the top that I bypass sadness and drop into the depths of depression.  It lets me know, that as much as possible you will be there with and for me.

I am not a lazy thinker.  If I say I do not know how to do something, please do not frustrate me by continuing to ask me do it after I have repeatedly told you I do not know how.  Not only are you calling me lazy minded but a liar.

I am now offended and any good you have shown seem to make me wonder how much you really have been watching and listening to the real me.

I feel successful when I can make someone genuinely laugh or smile and for that moment allow them to forget that part of our brain is incurably sick.

It is a success to me when despite how much I unwillingly play  tug of war with sadness, I get out of the house and say to hell with sadness.

I am passionately pursuing to be a peer supporter to all.

We are a special breed of survivors.  We are all passionate about helping one another.

Who else knows how to help us best without saying a word.