The darkness in the light

I’m siiting alone in a sunny room yet it feels terrible dark.

I messed up a relationship that had just healed and was growing.

It was not intentional. No one ever sets out to intentionally hurt someone they care about.

Lately l cry alot.  I’m beginning to feel like there is no way out except a nap for many days, hoping that the pain and self anger will be gone when l wake up

I have learned suicide is not the answer. It is permanent not only does the pain end, everything ceases including my existence

I used to say the sun was inside of us, but lately there is only the darkness of pain, loneliness and fear.

I have been trying to get the sun inside again but it is refusing to shine.lt has been blocked by a horrible darkness that comes from isolation, paranoia and shame.

Paranoia has set in again. Each time worse than the last. Sometimes it is paralyzing.

Today is the worst. I have been up since yesterday. I am afraid for the day and even more afraid of the night. Now it is dark in me even though the sun is shining.  It is worse at night because the darkness is everywhere. There is no escaping.

As l sit in this internal place of  darkness, fears grips me and l wonder, will l be able to sleep tonight or will the darkness still be there

My head says one thing….

Reality says another.

This only happens when I am manic or in the middle of both ends of the bipolar pole. In other words, I believe I am on a roller coaster ride when there is no roller coaster where I am.

This may not be a good analogy so let me explain what I mean.

When I meet someone of the opposite sex that is nice to me,  I tend to form a relationship in my head that does not exist.

My thoughts and actions toward this person are what you would expect from someone that you are in a serious relationship with.  This person might not even be a friend but an acquaintance.

To be more specific:  there is a person that hugs me whenever they come to my home.  I don’t see them very often and sometimes not for months.  But because they embrace me, make me laugh and have a warm personality, there are questions that burn in me that I know I do not have a legitimate right to ask.

We are not in a relationship so it really is not my business what this person does in their personal life.  That is the reality.

In my illogical thinking we are in a relationship and I want to know what that person is  doing in their time when they are not working.

In the beginning, I ask do  you have a significant other in your life.  I ask because I do not want to be infringing on someone else’s love.  They tell me no.

At first I believe them because I am thinking rationally.

Once mania hits, rationality goes out and irrational thinking is where I live in my mind.

My behavior becomes that of a cheated on woman.  I cry about their disloyalty because I think they are sneaking away on the weekend to be with someone else.  I send crazy texts like “you lied to me  I thought you said you said you were not involved with anyone”.

There is a battle in my mind.  Reality vs. unreality . Thoughts to questions that do not apply, such as why are they ignoring my text messages become an obsession.

The reality is that they never call me or text me, only in my mind.  But it is an existing relationship to me.

I cry as though I have been cast to the side, lied to or rejected.

Reality comes back and I now have to clean up a mess.

Unfortunately, that is the only thing that is real.  I have to clean up a relationship mess, even with acquaintances who bring something special to me: a hug, good conversation, a listening hear and encouragement.

As always, bipolar is a stubborn BITCH, that will not go away.

 

Really???

I was having a bad day and expressed it in a statement I made to one of my friends.  Yes, it was a negative response to something she had said and her words annoyed me.

Many of us have heard something like this before- think positive and positive things will come to you.  Negative thoughts bring negative things to you.

Change the way you say it using the same words, and the meaning is the same.

How ridiculous I thought that statement was.  I have heard some variation of it throughout my  life, but it was not until now, that I wondered what made people say that.

Life’s reality is that some things are negative despite positive words or statements.

eg.  A friend once said to me, you will be alright.  Once you come to live with us that bipolar will go away.

Seriously???  My positive thoughts are, I do not have bipolar. My positive words are, I do not have bipolar and do not need the medication.  The reality is very negative.  Those positive thoughts may cause me to not take the medication and be in real trouble.

The sad, negative reality is that with bipolar 1, there is a great chance that I will never have a ” love of my life”   There is a slim chance that I will. In my mind where I am concerned, no positive words or thoughts will bring that person  into my life.  It is for me  that I speak , so I do not expect everyone if anyone to agree with me.

Years ago, before these new tests came into play, you could not positively know the sex of your baby.  Yet, I knew a woman so positive that her child was a boy, she bought all boy things and even had a cup engraved with his name.  It was a girl.

Some of these examples may not apply to that statement, you say, but think about thoughts and words you have had.  Did positive words/ thoughts always bring a positive outcome.

I do not believe positive thoughts can override the harsh negative realities of life.  Maybe I just believe what will be will be.

 

 

 

Who knows how much.. you

I have been diagnosed with conversion disorder also known as non-epileptic spells and a few other names.  They all mean the same thing: medical symptoms with no underlying medical causes.  These incidents are usually brought on by stressful events, traumatic events or having a mental illness: anxiety, panic attacks, depression,ptsd and others.

By no means am I am expert but it is a fascinating illness and it is an illness.  You cannot control what happens to your mind or body and it is not your fault or in this case, it is not my fault.  It is nothing I did except that I cannot face the trauma in my past.  I cannot think about one traumatic event without a flood of them rushing to my mind.  If I do, I feel a click on the right temple of my head and immediately I can feel my body slowing down as if my batteries were winding down.

My brain begins to disconnect where I cannot think of words or sentences.  When words or sentences do formulate in my brain, it is hard to get them from the brain to the mouth and when I do it is with great difficulty.  It is hard for a lot of people to understand me.  Added to this episode is a panic or anxiety attack because I am embarrassed even though it is nothing to be embarrassed about.

Everyone has a pet peeve and mine is when someone says to me “You can do it”.  I know when it is too much going on in my head, no one else does.   Please don’t tell me what I can do unless you are prepared to expand upon that. Just because I have the capability to do something does not mean there is enough space in my head left to handle one more thing.

My other pet peeve is when someone says, ” just forget about it and move on” “You need to learn to let things go”. That is the answer they give when you try to talk about certain things that are still haunting you.  Things that you know you should have gotten over a long time ago but because your brain hid it from you, doesn’t mean it stays away for forever.  For instance,  something very ugly and traumatic happens to you regardless of age.  You feel disgusting, frustrated, unclean or however you choose. At first if you do not deal with it and push it away or attempt to, your brain closes the door on it for a period of time.

Now the brain says, let’s start remembering, but you are still not prepared.  You know something happened and may even know what occurred but still the front part of your brain is not ready to think or talk about it which means it still affects you in some way.  So please don’t tell me to forget what I cannot fully remember because a part of my brain says you are not ready for the whole ugly truth yet.

Who knows how much….. your brain can handle at one time, it doesn’t just have to be stress or trauma, maybe to many details about things that are important and must be done immediate.  Who knows how much trauma comes back  at one time.

A final thought.  If it is so easy to put the pass trauma behind and move on, who would hold onto it.  It affects so much of who we are, what we think of ourselves, how we cope with situations and for me, a lot of memory gaps.

I and only l know how much my brain can handle and no one else.

I have to know when to say enough. I can’t do anymore.

I have to protect what is an already fragile mind because part of it is permanently damaged.

Don’t let anyone push you more than your brain can handle and stay healthy.

Love to all

 

 

 

 

Queen of me

I finally realized after talking with a friend that I am an amazing woman, with amazing goals.  I know I can reach these goals.

Getting back into them ,will hopefully keep my mind off the other guy.

There are so many projects if I just keep my mind on them

I will not promise myself again that I will not make the first move, which is usually what I do when hyper-sexual.  I have no time for you to wait to move.  I take things into my own hands.

A couple of times I felt crappy months later when I realized the impulsive things I had done.  You cannot force something that is not there.

Which do you think I should say and expect from him

There is not really anything.  No magic , nothing that pulls me toward him.

Some could say, let him know we can only be friends.  I really don’t see this going anywhere else.  I hate to tell him I am not really attracted to him.  He kept saying he was coming to help me move some furniture.  He never showed up, nor did he give me the curt icy  of a phone call.  That is really a big pet peeve of mine, not  changing plans but no notice.

Just let him know we can only be friends.

or just walk away ad say nothing.

What do yo think I should do?

Should I keep seeing him as a fiend, maybe in time my feelings or lack of will begin to grown of him.

 

 

I failed myself again

Lately I have been feeling a little needy.

I recently met this guy who seemed to be okay but I grew tired of him not showing up when he said he would.

The best thing I should have done was to say forget it.  I don’t think this is going to work out.  It’s not you, it’s me.

But no, not me, because I was starting to feel needy and the guy I really want to be with is not into me. I thought seeing this new guy  would be a good way to stop throwing myself at the one who is not into me.

Now that I started something, it is blowing beyond the direction I want to go.

He told me not to be calling him every five minutes.  He did not understand I kept calling and texting because he said he was going to move some furniture for me.  I started moving it myself but realized it was heavier than I thought.  He never called to tell me, he was coming over.  I believe I deserved a phone call or text telling me he changed his plans.  I ended up struggling but moving it myself.  Determination will get you where you want to go.

He also says every night or in the morning he has things to do.  What the hell do you have to do all day, everyday.   If he has said he was coming over, it is hours, if at all.

How did I fail myself: I did everything I was not supposed to do: I called numerous times, I texted numerous long text messages and I started something he expects to be finished.

I failed myself because I said I would be careful next time and see someone for a while before I started something, to make sure this is the person I wanted to be with.

It would be someone who listened and would not try to give advice without hearing the whole story or at least a summation.

I did not go as far as sleeping with him which is what he now expects.  I was being a tease and it backfired.  That’s mainly what I do when I am hyper-sexual.  I get them to a place of wanting and then I back off or they back off.  Only one person wanted to go the distance but that was not my plan or the plan explained to me.  That put me in a dangerous situation because no one knew where I was and things could have turned for the worst.

I was extremely fortunate to get out of there with no harm.

Now, I believe I will tell this guy, that I am sorry but I do not feel this is going to work out because of me.  I kept saying I was sorry that I started something.  I really need to figure how to get out of this thing.

This guy actually reminds me of two other people, maybe that is what the attraction was at first.  The bottom line is I have to get this thing (this hyper-sexuality) under control.

Any more suggestions how to end this before it goes to far then I will really begin to hate myself.

 

A great challenge

Everyday I wake up and thank God for waking me up and giving me another day.

I think the greatest challenge I have faced so far, is the challenge of controlling the rage I feel when I am manic.  I explain to people I will never be on the same anger level at the same time, feeling the same way.

When they are at annoyance, I am already at anger.  When they reach anger, I am already at rage much like going from mild David Banner to the incredible Hawk. The difference is that I will go after anyone in my path just because.

Everything I do when manic seems to be, “Just because”.  No reason(reasons) for my irritability, anger and rage.

Peace and serenity would be great to have when coming down from mania.  They do not seem to appear.  Rage like the incredible Hawk is what I get instead.

Once a person told me that there was nothing wrong with me.  They stated I did not need a psychiatrist.  I was at a low point and became confused.  What if this person was right and all this was just in my mind.

The next challenge is to block out what people say about me living with a mental illness is that they do not understand the changes they see in me are not my fault.  I cannot control the part of my brain that tells me the logical thing to do.  The challenge is to let the pain and anger go, that they don’t even try to understand..  There answer is that I am “in a mood” or tired.  When do I get to have my breakdown?  Yes, I am in a mood but you do not try to understand why, what is different about this mood.  They do not see the sadness that I try to hide the internal sadness or the pain that is on my face.

Of  course, the greatest challenge is living with this condition alone.  There is nothing anyone can do including me, to help prevent these episodes without leaning on medication.  Staying on a schedule to maintain the levels in my body is another challenge.

I have to know that something is wrong with my brain and it cannot be cured but it can be treated.

Forget the negative things people say and move on. You know who you are, don’t let anyone or another thing tell you you are different.

You are an amazing person>

You live with bipolar and survive everyday.

 

I can make it on my own….

One of my favorite songs is by Patti La belle: It’s a new day”

I am going to print the lyrics and put them in my car and on my mirror and yes, even the door to the garage.

Everyday is a new day even though the bipolar is there and I don’t know how I will be that day.  Will I function well, be manic, depressed, have mixed episodes.  I don’t know and I am not silly enough to even try to think ahead and figure it out.  I just know that it is a new day and anything and everything good, bad and not so good can happen, but life is never boring.

One line of the song says,” I decided long ago, I can make it on my own.  Gonna be alright, gonna be alright, yeah”.

Today I realized how true that is.  I remembered that 10 years ago before I moved out of our marital home, I said to myself, I am going to be alright.  I can make it on my own.

Mary J Blige,” I can do bad all by myself”.  So, if I can do bad by myself, I damn sure can do good all by myself.

I have to be able to be alright and do good by myself before someone comes along.  He needs to see, damn she has what??? and has it together.  She is a fighter every day to live on her own terms despite the terms the bipolar sets for her.  I admire her spirit and tenacity and how she advocates for herself and others.  What an amazing woman.  I can love her through the ups and downs.  I may not know what to say at times, but I believe just being there for her without judgement, knowing it is her illness, will greatly help keep us together.

If no one comes along for a loving relationship, I am still gonna be alright.  Life is good whatever state of mind I am in because I was depressed, manic, suicidal,  had mixed episodes and rage.  I lost some relationships along the way, that will never be repaired.  I have had to accept that some people in my family do not understand, but it is what it is.  It is a sick part of my brain.  I am happy to know that it does not last forever.

I am reminded of a scripture in the bible says, God will put no more on us than we can bare.  Well, that has been true in the past and I have to keep holding on to that when I wonder how will I get through this because I am not only gonna be alright, even in the midst of chaos, I am alright because even though it does not feel like it at the moment, this depression or mania will pass.

 

 

There goes another one

It seems as though any time a man is nice to me, whether is a friendly hug, compliment or just being plain nice, my head starts thinking it is the beginning of a relationship.  It is. the only problem is that the relationship only exists in my head, the sick part of the brain.

I always seem to mess up potential friendships with men because I do not tell them I live with bipolar which for them means DRAMA.

Even I hate the day to day DRAMA that is a big part of bipolar.

Recently, someone I respect and admire, told me I would never have a real involved relationship with a man.  Bipolar in itself is hard to ask someone to deal with and then there are my physical illnesses as well.  The bipolar seems to be running the show.

My question: Is she right.  Is it impossible to have a romantic relationship having bipolar?

What are the success rates or are the divorce rates higher.

Is anyone currently in a relationship where one person is bipolar and the other is not?

How is it working.

Do you ever feel you cannot handle the mood changes any more.

I would love to hear from you.

Quick change of mind

I realize that I am just starting to get manic.  I googled Plenty of Fish and there in big letters was the story of a woman raped by a guy from POF.

Normally, things like this can and do happen in all dating sites, would be my logic and I would proceed to activate an account.

Being between mainstream and manic, I do realize there are potentially dangerous situations that can happen whether you met someone from a dating site or not.

As much as I want and need human touch, at this moment that is not a risk I am willing to take.  I hope this logical thinking stays with me throughout this ordeal.  Thoughts usually flip for me when manic.  Logic is now illogical and illogical is now logical, hence, no negative consequences, only a good time.

I usually do not even realize when I am going into mania, until it is too late.  I am already there.

Now my mind thinks, maybe I should go back and try to find one of the other ones I was already dealing with, NO thanks.

Get some type of hobby, what I don’t know.  Something that will keep my mind in check and my body will follow suit and stay in the safety zone.