Surviving the different storms of bipolar

I now consider it a storm when I am manic or depressed. I thought I just about had it managed and then I started having mixed episodes, paranoia and hallucinations.  Still a storm but it was more like a hurricane.  I felt like my life was turned upside down.  I had no idea how I was going to react to anything or anyone.

For a while I would be even keel and having a good time.  Then it seemed like someone turned on a switch on in me and I started getting sad.  Then I became extremely anxious.

I took my anxiety medication and was calm for a period of time.  Then in the store, the switch was turned on and I became irritated and enraged, to the point I wanted to hurt the first person who said something to me.  No matter what it was it pissed me off and I was inches away from hurting them.  It was at the gas station and because I walked past them and did not hit them, I was still in the danger zone.  I waited for a moment for them to leave the store so I could ram their car.  But fortunately for them and by the grace of God, I did not see them.  Yet , I knew I was in trouble.  This was my rage and I could not escape it.

Thanks to my wellness toolkit plan, not to drive when manic, well I had no choice.  I could not stay at the gas station.  So I drove slow and safe to someone’s house that I knew and stayed until I calmed down.  Fortunately they were not home, so I was there alone.  That was the end of my outside day.   I and the people I would meet had I stayed or gone back out, were safe for the rest of the day.  This was a really bad storm.

Content with the day, then very anxious which turned to extreme irritation and ultimately rage.  It is tiring and frustrating.  Some days, I don’t even bother to go out depending on how I feel when I get up.

I just wish the people in my life would understand, it is not something I can control.  It is a chemical imbalance in my brain.  I cannot control these mood swings and reactions any more than a diabetic can control the amount of insulin their body naturally produces.

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Author: Fighter

I finally accepted what people have been telling me. I am full of knowledge and wisdom and I am unforgettable. My word of encouragement since 2015 has been to let others know, despite the waves and ripples in our lives, Life is totally awesome, even with a mental illness. I believe my purpose is to encourage others, advocate for those around me who have not yet found their voice to advocate for themselves and educate those without a mental illness. If for one for minute someone laughs or smiles because of something I said, that is one moment they did not think about mental illness.

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