I now consider it a storm when I am manic or depressed. I thought I just about had it managed and then I started having mixed episodes, paranoia and hallucinations. Still a storm but it was more like a hurricane. I felt like my life was turned upside down. I had no idea how I was going to react to anything or anyone.
For a while I would be even keel and having a good time. Then it seemed like someone turned on a switch on in me and I started getting sad. Then I became extremely anxious.
I took my anxiety medication and was calm for a period of time. Then in the store, the switch was turned on and I became irritated and enraged, to the point I wanted to hurt the first person who said something to me. No matter what it was it pissed me off and I was inches away from hurting them. It was at the gas station and because I walked past them and did not hit them, I was still in the danger zone. I waited for a moment for them to leave the store so I could ram their car. But fortunately for them and by the grace of God, I did not see them. Yet , I knew I was in trouble. This was my rage and I could not escape it.
Thanks to my wellness toolkit plan, not to drive when manic, well I had no choice. I could not stay at the gas station. So I drove slow and safe to someone’s house that I knew and stayed until I calmed down. Fortunately they were not home, so I was there alone. That was the end of my outside day. I and the people I would meet had I stayed or gone back out, were safe for the rest of the day. This was a really bad storm.
Content with the day, then very anxious which turned to extreme irritation and ultimately rage. It is tiring and frustrating. Some days, I don’t even bother to go out depending on how I feel when I get up.
I just wish the people in my life would understand, it is not something I can control. It is a chemical imbalance in my brain. I cannot control these mood swings and reactions any more than a diabetic can control the amount of insulin their body naturally produces.