In despair, I write

Last night was very hard and I did not know if I would make it through the night.  Today is even harder, so in my despair I write because at least for the moment it is a safe place to be.  Right in front of the computer in front of the window with the sun shinning through.

Can anyone relate?

The night seemed so long as though daylight would never come.  Even though I knew it would, it still felt like it took forever for the day to break through.  I thought it could only get better, but bipolar fooled me and kept the switch in position to keep me rolling down.

The split of the pole: one side tells me its’ okay.  Everything is okay.  You will get through this.  Just breathe.  Take air in and let it out.  Focus on the breathing.  You know you are alive when you feel your stomach rise and go back in.

The other side says, all is hopeless.  Yes, the sun is shinning on the outside, but you are alone.  Alone all the time.  Even in a crowd, I am alone.  I have always felt alone, even while in the company of others, whether strangers or people I know.  One moment I am there in that place and the next I am in a world of loneliness, it becomes almost unbearable and I must remind myself to breathe.  To stay alive, I must breathe.  I must inhale and exhale over and over again.

The knot in my stomach won’t go away and despair seems to be growing larger than life itself.  I know, I must hold on to the here and the now, the reality of now.

I feel hopeless, alone, useless and even though I know it is a storm that will pass, it is still here.  No photos, no images, just blankness.

Depression: I am fighting so hard. Sometimes, I get tired of fighting.  How do I fight?  I get dressed, even if it takes all day, I find a way to get dressed.  I try to let the daylight in.  Sometimes its to much but I try anyway.  I make up my bed even though my eyes are filled with water.  The tears begin to come and I fight to hold them back while I hold my stomach.  The knot is growing bigger.  I want to hurt some part of my body to make the emotional pain stop.  I want to live.  I will live.  When the darkness of depression is no where around, I love life.  I love being hypo-manic compared to this.  It can see sunshine even in the rain and the darkness.

I don’t like this dark ave part of the road of depression.  It is a fight.  A hard fight and sometimes, it takes so much strength, that I need to find a life line.  Right now, this blog is my life line. It is keeping me here, in my chair where I am safe.

No harm can I do to myself if I am here with my fingers moving ever so quickly across the keyboard. I know there is someone who knows what I am talking about.  Maybe they will reach out.  Maybe not.  But I will keep fighting and I will be back to write about the victory of coming out of the storm.

The knot is still here.  The tears are still here, I want to escape.  I can see myself curled in the fettle position and rocking back and forth.  But I know I have been here before.  I must hold on, I will hold on.  I will do what it takes to keep from sinking.

Pray for me

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Author: Fighter

I finally accepted what people have been telling me. I am full of knowledge and wisdom and I am unforgettable. My word of encouragement since 2015 has been to let others know, despite the waves and ripples in our lives, Life is totally awesome, even with a mental illness. I believe my purpose is to encourage others, advocate for those around me who have not yet found their voice to advocate for themselves and educate those without a mental illness. If for one for minute someone laughs or smiles because of something I said, that is one moment they did not think about mental illness.

2 thoughts on “In despair, I write”

  1. i am so sorry you are having such rough nights! i know exactly how you feel. its like having two different brains command you two different emotional states. try hard to hold on to that positive side though! at least something inside you is trying to shine some light! i can relate, i often find any task that will just distract me or keep me busy, especially writing, in any form, to make myself not such a danger too myself!
    good luck keep your head up!

  2. I was diagnosed Bipolar just a year ago, before that there was psychotic depression and depression. I wrote the following a long time before I was ever diagnosed with anything and I think it describes at least a little of what we go through:
    ————————————————
    Cycle of Despair

    How do I go on
    Letting myself
    Feel this way
    Wanting so badly
    To have the happy ending
    I’ve always been looking for
    I never let it happen to me
    I destroy it
    Push it away
    Repeat the actions again and again
    There is no answer
    Except
    This is all that my life has left for me
    I have to break out
    Affect some change
    Or
    Continue this cycle of despair
    ————————————————
    I’m pulling hard for you and you are in my thoughts

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