As sadness, depression and loneliness crept in this a.m., there was a friend I wanted to reach out to but I knew it would make things feel worse. I thought:
I know I can always call and
I know you will never answer
because it is never convenient.
But maybe you will call in about 2 or 3 weeks (when I no longer hurt- because I will get through this)
So, do I still call that friendship?
I am lonely and sometimes it envelopes me. It always pains me because it is always there:
sometimes to the point of being unbearable and my question is always the same:
How do I survive this?
I just do, because whether I ask or not,
God gets me through.
Then I wrote: some people are alone because they choose to be
Others are alone because no one wants them.
I am the latter, but I don’t know why.
I think only one person will miss me and for her I live:
I was sinking fast this morning and feeling hopeless. I had to get out of the house fast. But I moved slowly. Slowly got dressed, did not eat, just something to line stomach to stay on medication time frame and left the house.
I stepped out of the car and breathe in the air. The cold air did something for me. It got to me exhale and live.
It is just about afternoon and I am okay.
Today is living moment by moment and trying not to think to much.
be good to you and make sure you try to stay ahead of the depression trap. When darkness seems to loom or starts creeping into your thoughts, your dreams, get out. Do whatever you have to do to escape. Call a friend, go for a walk, watch a funny movie, build something, just get away from the moment that is trying to take over your mood.
Mental illness is a b.i.t.c.h and has no time frame or boundaries. Survive and live.
pb aka peanut butter