Crashing waves

 

That is how I feel right now.

Woke up around 3 am.  Feeling wide awake, refreshed and pretty good.

 

As time passed and I started working on various projects and thinking about certain things, frustration interrupted and now I am just plain angry.

 

I feel like waves are crashing all around in my mind.

Waves crashing on the Puget Sound
Waves crashing on the Puget Sound (Photo credit: mikeyskatie)

I don’t know exactly when the change started but it seems like it might have been with seeing photos and missing out on certain people in my life growing up.

Is this part of my bipolar?  If so, it seems as though photos are a trigger for me.  Stirring up something that is already inside.  Anger.  It doesn’t just stop at being made, it climbs to rage if I don’t get a grip. The rage causes me to want to isolate because I tend to fly way off the handle and throw the handle at whoever is in my path.

The mood shift starts out like induced labor pains.  First you feel a little, then bam.  No in between.  Just slight then all out pain.  Just a little annoyed then, all out rage that makes you feel like you are going to explode.

Despite this, in my heart, I have purposed to have an awesome day.  I am not going to let this rage get out of control.  I know not to drive when I feel like this, so I am thankful it is still early in the am before anything is open for where I would want to go.

I hate isolating myself but I feel it is for the good of those I care about, plus I get tired of making apologies.  After awhile no one believes me anyway.  At least I don’t think they do.  I do know I get tired of going back and trying to clean up my mess.

I get enraged and speed without care, I get reckless in action behind and out from under the steering wheel including loaded text messages.  Then people alienate themselves from me.  You almost have to shut me down and stay away for your own safety.

Anyone ever experience this rage before, leading up to or during mania or depression?

I know it has to be a part of my manic-depression because it doesn’t build and it takes to long to subside if I don’t get a handle on it early on.

That is why my writing may seem like rambling right now.

pb aka peanut butter

 

 

 

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Author: Fighter

I finally accepted what people have been telling me. I am full of knowledge and wisdom and I am unforgettable. My word of encouragement since 2015 has been to let others know, despite the waves and ripples in our lives, Life is totally awesome, even with a mental illness. I believe my purpose is to encourage others, advocate for those around me who have not yet found their voice to advocate for themselves and educate those without a mental illness. If for one for minute someone laughs or smiles because of something I said, that is one moment they did not think about mental illness.

2 thoughts on “Crashing waves”

  1. i totally understand. and i have the same experiences often. when i get depressed or anxious it sometimes comes out in anger. i blow up at those around me and then can’t remember why i yelled…the meds help control it but your’e not alone. i also isolate myself when i’m having bad days to protect my family. i think sometimes the rage is stemming from no longer wanting to feel sad/depressed so anger is the next emotion. but good for you for staying positive! hang in there! it’ll be ok!
    x0

  2. pb,
    I have felt that rage before, it was back when I was recovering from cancer surgery. I would have times when I would rage for no apparent reason then I would fall into a deep depression for a week or more. My doctors only saw the depression side so that’s what I was treated for. Looking back on it now, that was the first evidence that I had Bipolar. The rages were my manic phases and when I was having them I confined myself to my apartment. At least then I had enough common sense as well as the self control not to go outside and get myself into trouble. More recent times have not seen the same, though the manic episodes have changed. They’re fewer and farther between but, they’re psychotic and much more disruptive to my life.

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