Alone at sunrise

I don’t know if I am alone because of the mental illness and the destructive behavior I act out or if…

I really don’t know why.

I just know that I can read all the information out there about manic-depression and any other mental illness and it doesn’t explain everything.

I think there is also some very deep hurt inside that is trying to get out and that my therapy has been focusing only on the bipolar treatment.

There is no medication to help deal with emotional pain.  Sometimes it is so overpowering.

I am always alone, even with people, I am alone.  But never before sunrise.

sunrise in samfya
sunrise in samfya (Photo credit: dberg918)

My thoughts are more clear and I feel more peaceful before the sunrises.  Maybe that’s why I awake so early.  It is when all is quiet, even my disturbing thoughts are quiet before sunrise.

As beautiful as a sunrise can be, I now realize it is the end of a quiet time of peace for me.

Once the sun rises, everything changes.  Fear of everything comes in.

Fear of living comes in.  Being alive is scary.

What or who will I lose today?

Where is my place of belonging?   I feel like I don’t belong anywhere.


Author: Fighter

I finally accepted what people have been telling me. I am full of knowledge and wisdom and I am unforgettable. My word of encouragement since 2015 has been to let others know, despite the waves and ripples in our lives, Life is totally awesome, even with a mental illness. I believe my purpose is to encourage others, advocate for those around me who have not yet found their voice to advocate for themselves and educate those without a mental illness. If for one for minute someone laughs or smiles because of something I said, that is one moment they did not think about mental illness.

4 thoughts on “Alone at sunrise”

  1. There are currently bipolar studies that would make this make even more sense to you…loosely the study is about our sleep issues and how we need more (even though we feel/think we do not) and in the studies they are seeing success simply by keeping bipolar patients in darkened rooms for 12-14 hrs, even if they are not sleeping. I look forward to seeing this study completed, but I can honestly say that I DO generally keep my rooms darker than lighter and it does help some with the hypermania…for me…maybe because it is calming aka peaceful.

    1. I get roughly about 7 hours a sleep a night. I go to sleep early after I take my saphris (it helps me sleep for the 7 hrs.) After that I don’t want to sleep anymore. I have never been one that likes to sleep. I have to count how many hours I have slept and then try to go back to sleep if it is uner 7. Any more than this makes me groggy when I get up and takes longer to start to function. If I have less than 7 hours it does wreck havoc whether I’m manic or depressed.

      1. That is because I am in a state of depression and becasue I take saphris. The saphris is for the paranoia but it helps with the sleep. It helps me fall asleep and sta asleep for almost 7 hrs. Sometimes 5, but if I can, I lay back down to try to get another 2. It works most of the time.

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