Have been up off and on since just befofre 12 this am. Finally gave up and got up around 4.
Anxious, distressed, trying to do numberous things to keep from pinpointing my stinking thinking that is lurking about. I’ve started several projects in different parts of the house, but Ikeep moving. Few have been completed. The ones that have were done while working on others back and forth to different parts of the house.
I need to keep moving. If I keep moving physically, maybe I can keep moving mentally to where I can go next. Everytime I sit down, my mind is on where can I go next. What can I do next? I can’t sit for too long or the anxiety increases. The racing thoughts keep coming.
I am fighting with the gut wretching emotional pain that comes from deep within. It seems to be so deep that we cannot find the root and so the pain is ever present. Sometimes stronger that at other times.
Along with that pain comes the flight or fight mentality. Where can I run to escape it? No where. What used to give me relief no longer works. How do I fight all this that is going on?
Shopping, no desire. Walking through the stores makes me want to bust out crying. I start breathing heavy to catch air.
Am I shifting between mania and depression? Am I experiencing both at the same time? What I do know is that I long for relief. I can’t escape how I am feeling other than to sleep, but even sleep eludes me now.
Desparately trying to find a project that involves my mind. Something that I have to focus on, but right now can’ t think on one thing long enough.
Maybe a drive. But mania says don’t drive. The knot in the pit of my stomach says get out of the house. Something is open now. Get out and walk around. Depression says, you don’t want to get dressed and go out. You have no place to go. The people you see will be happy, they will be shopping, they will have laughter. You don’t have any of those.
Something has to be decided. Decided to do nothing is a decision but it is not the right decision
One thing for sure. The holidays is a major stressor for many people, but I believe even more for those with a mental illness.