Day of reckoning

There comes a time when we must take responsiblity for the damage we did when we were not ourselves, those times when we manic or depressed and said or did things that we ordinarily would not have done.

The things we said or did when the impulse part of our brain was the one in control are the messes we not only have to clean up but sometimes cannot fix.

Today was my day of recknoning.

I finally am well enough to realize the cruel things I said to others and the pain I caused and for that I am truly sorry.

Now I know that impulse control is definitely a huge problem I have to work on in therapy.

I also realize that when not well, I behave as a different person, much like an alcoholic.

When I am manic, everything is about me and I act impulsively and sometimes wrecklessly.

When I am depressed, I lash out in hurt and pain because of the horrible emotional pain I feel and the isolation depression brings with it.

Today is my day of reckoning and I am trying to make amends.

Maybe it’s not the bipolar, but I know that when I am not manic or depressed I can think rationally and make judgment calls as to what to say and what not to say.  Things don’t just pop out of my mouth.

Am I the only person with bipolar that has messes to clean up after mania or depression?

pb

Advertisements

Author: Fighter

I finally accepted what people have been telling me. I am full of knowledge and wisdom and I am unforgettable. My word of encouragement since 2015 has been to let others know, despite the waves and ripples in our lives, Life is totally awesome, even with a mental illness. I believe my purpose is to encourage others, advocate for those around me who have not yet found their voice to advocate for themselves and educate those without a mental illness. If for one for minute someone laughs or smiles because of something I said, that is one moment they did not think about mental illness.

8 thoughts on “Day of reckoning”

  1. When I was younger it was hard to separate what was me and what was bipolar impulses… so I spent several years building up huge walls of negative interactions I didn’t take care of. Now you can believe I am on damage control mode pretty much 24/7! I definitely feel you on this!

    1. Thanks for sharing. I appreciate it. That’s what I have to work at, damage control. I. Try but sometimes it still gets the best of me. Some people in my life understand it is the bipolar and some don’t.

  2. Nope. I frequently treat my fiancé like pure crap. I don’t want to. I don’t mean to. I just can’t rationalize. But I know it’s irrational! *sigh* You are not alone.

  3. pb, you are not alone in having messes to clean up after Bipolar has done its thing. I have done my best to apologize to the people I have harmed over the years. Some of them are out of touch, out of reach for me and I am struggling with how to make those amends so I can move on. For those people that are in my life now. I have made my apologies for things I have done as well as for things I will do.

  4. I understand totally what you are saying and what you have been through when our very different poles are ruling our lives and our behaviour. I have lost many people around me because of times when I have been manic or really depressed has resulted in me arguing, saying what I shouldn’t, people know what I am going through and I think in their eyes it doesn’t matter to me what I am living with, what matters to me is that they simply don’t want to be around someone like me……x

    1. Thanks for your comment. It’s good to know it’s not just me. It’s sad that it happens but at least I know it is because of the bipolar and not because I am a horrible person. Thank you for sharing.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s