I was thinking about a past unhealthy relationship that I was able to walk away from.
In that relationship the person introduced me to drugs. I was already familiar with marijuana but they took me to another level: to crack and cocaine.
Recently I was thinking about the person and realized that I had been playing Russian roulette with my life.
Each hit or line that I took could have been the last one.
In addition to doing crack and cocaine, I was also taking my bipolar medications and drinking straight liquor. The drugs and alcohol abuse alone were harmful enough but adding the medication was an extremely dangerous thing to do and either could have proven to be fatal.
Each action could have been my last.
Each drug use and drink was a bullet.
I ended up in the hospital and few times. Once was after I felt like I was having a heart attack. It took over 6 hours for my heart rate to return to normal before the dr. discharged me with a warning that my system was full of cocaine and that I needed rehab. I laughed and said sure. I took a break from the drinking and drugging for a week. ( I put the loaded gun down). After a week, I felt better and started again. This time I kept going night after night. Sleeping less and less. I was speeding to work (100 mph) and it did not phase me. I kept this up until I had a psychotic break and could not go any more. I ended up in the psychiatric hospital and rehab.
When I left rehab, I started using drugs and taking the bipolar medication again. This continued until I felt like I was having a heart attack. This was the last empty chamber in the gun. the next chamber had the bullet to end my life and I realized I did not want to die. I put the drug down (the gun) and prayed to God to take the drug away, to help me stop and He did.
It has been over three and a half years now since I have been clean and living a lot healthier mentally, physically and getting there emotionally (that relationship plus a previous bad marriage and the struggle with mental illness, took a toll.)
Yes, living with bipolar is hard, but at I am only dealing with one illness now and it is not one that I hide. It is one that I can be open about and receive help. I have a treatment team and support system. Sometimes I feel alone when fighting depression, but the reality is that I am not alone.
I am loving life everyday. Getting through drug use and alcoholism makes living with bipolar a little easier. I am no means happy to have a mental illness but I can only fight one battle at a time.
Mental illness is not living on the edge. it is not playing Russian roulette There is a treatment plan and treatment team. Mood swing occurrences are not in my control but how I respond is.
My loved ones know that I have mood swings, get depressed or impulsive, but they are not afraid they are going to get a call that I overdosed. They are always a phone call away.
I am glad I am no longer playing Russian roulette. Life is too precious.
love to all,
pb aka peanut butter.