This morning I tried to walk with my head up but had a difficult time doing so. I told myself I walked with my head down so I could see where I was going. With my head down, the only place I usually go is down. I need to try to keep my head up when I walk, when I sit, when I stand. The only time it should be down is during prayer or moments of silence.
As I backed out of the driveway, I held back the tears. They tried to fight their way out while I was driving. A few tears escaped my eyes but went no further than the top of my cheek. I quickly stopped them in their track. I told myself, you are okay. Get it together. You are strong. This behavior is showing weakness. I hate to be seen as weak by myself or anyone else, especially those I have respect for: I need them to respect for me.
Although I was barely controlling the tears, I kept talking to myself in hopes the urge to breakout in tears would go away. At one point, I briefly thought it would be so much easier to live by not being alive. A brief thought, but a warning sign for me. It was a sign that I needed to find someone to listen to me, for I now realized how jumbled my thoughts were in my head. These thoughts were screaming at me and my head felt like it was going to explode.
I have support people but they are usually there when I am in crisis. The realization finally hit me, I need support people to be there and listen to me before I get to crisis. I was not in crisis at this point but I was on my way and I did not want to go there. The thought came to me to enter a partial hospitalization program, this is where I felt I was at: that was crisis mode talking.
I finally was able to succumb the tears and get myself together by the time I reached my destination. I went inside and found someone to listen to me and relate to some of the things that had been bombarding my mind. She listened very patiently and interjected at the right moments with the right words :that was what I needed. It was something so simple yet something hard to find: someone to listen and really hear not only what you are saying but also what you are not saying.
By the time we finished, I was feeling drained. She said it was good. Being drained meant that I had been able to clear my mind and that took away the anxiety. When the anxiety left, I felt able to move on with my day in a positive manner.
Thank you young lady for listening to me and helping turn my morning around.
We need more people to not just listen, but to hear what we say and more importantly, what we do not say.
When you feel overwhelmed or just like your head is going to burst because you have so much to say and no one to listen to you, it is important to get to someone so that you can have that good kind of drained feeling and have an awesome day by heading off a possible crisis.
love to all
pb aka peanut butter