The shift has begun and I am okay

I know when fall is upon us before the weather feels like it.

Normally I get about 5 hours sleep a night.  Six hours makes be wake up feeling tired.

Friday night I was up until about 3:30 am.  When I could not sleep, I went for a coffee run around 3 a.m.   Coffee does not keep me awake.  If I am sleepy, I am sleepy no matter how much coffee I drink.   I drank half a cup and went to sleep.  I woke up at 4 am and was up until late last night.  That is my shift change.

When it starts approaching time for us to turn the clocks back, my sleep cycle changes and everything on the inside of me as well.  I get a creepy feeling of uncertainty about how I am going to do.  I have to fight my mind that just because I went through a major depressive episode last year, it doesn’t mean it is going to happen this year.

It was about this time last year that I started feeling lonely, then sad, then alone in this world.  These feelings increased as the days went by until I could not take it anymore.  I began to experience suicidal ideation and was hospitalized.

Even after leaving the hospital I was still fighting depression even though I no longer had thoughts of suicide.  Accompanying major depression from bipolar, I also had SAD (seasonal affective disorder); a double whammy.

As of mid December 2014, I have been doing much better and have been on a good level.  There is no reason for me to fear (which is False Evidence Appearing Real) a repeat episode.  Everyday I am taking measures to avoid the triggers of last year.

One thing I have been doing is getting out of the house everyday even when I don’t feel like it.  If I have no plans, I still find some place to go so I can be around people.  Even though I can be around people and still feel alone, I know if I need help, I can call out and someone will call for an ambulance.  I am much less likely to hurt myself in public than I am alone at home.

I am also looking into volunteering at places that I can give back to others (until I start a job) such as a domestic violence shelter, mental health community place and places for people in recovery from drugs and alcohol.  Helping others helps me stay safe, heal and give hope and encouragement to my peers.  We are all in this together.

Life is good and I am looking forward to living it.

love to all,

pb aka peanut butter

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Author: Fighter

I finally accepted what people have been telling me. I am full of knowledge and wisdom and I am unforgettable. My word of encouragement since 2015 has been to let others know, despite the waves and ripples in our lives, Life is totally awesome, even with a mental illness. I believe my purpose is to encourage others, advocate for those around me who have not yet found their voice to advocate for themselves and educate those without a mental illness. If for one for minute someone laughs or smiles because of something I said, that is one moment they did not think about mental illness.

2 thoughts on “The shift has begun and I am okay”

  1. I have SAD and bipolar too. Fall is always hard for me. I am going through a bit of a depression right now. Just had a med change to keep it from getting too bad this winter. In the past I have used light therapy to help with the SAD. Have you ever tried that? I may have to bring my light out again if I don’t start feeling better soon.

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