For a while I stopped posting because I was not depressed and thought I had nothing to say. My therapist strongly suggested that I start again and so I did.
Now I am at a point again of thinking I have nothing to say. This could be true or it could be stinking thinking trying to slip in.
I have been asked why I divulge so much of myself and I explained that this is my place to let people see the whole me. The good, the bad and the not so good. Trying to hide parts of who I am or what I have been through seems to give me a feeling of being lost. Openness seems to free me.
How can I be me when I hide parts of me? Everything I have overcome and am facing right now, are all part of what makes me uniquely me.
We are all unique in our way. The problem is that some of us never realize this and go through life lonely, lost, feeling defeated and asking God why were we ever born.
This was my life until recently, before then, there were very brief moments that I saw a glimmer of being someone special but that did not last for long.
Now, finally, I know without a doubt that I am just as special and unique as everyone else, but in my own way, just as everyone is. It has taken me a long time to really believe that in my heart. Now that it is in my heart, no one can take that away from me, not even stinking thinking.
Negative thinking and self doubt still knock at the door and sometimes I slip and crack the door a bit, but quickly realize what is on the other side and slam the door. “I am unique and somebody with a purpose for living”, I quickly tell myself.
I am a bit more aware of my symptoms and can apply my wellness tools before the symptoms take root and turn into a full blown episode of depression. I have to work on recognizing mania sooner.
What I have come to realize is that when I have extremely busy days back to back to back, it is hard for me recognize the beginning of mania. Lately I have not recognized it until I felt rage. When I hear myself say, “My head is full”, as funny as that sounds, I know mania has been here for a while and I am only a couple of steps from full blown.
With full blown mania, it is not safe for me to drive or be around people. I have to protect the people in my life from my rage by isolating myself. The isolation usually leads to depression and I drop like a roller coaster drops when it reaches the top of the ride.
Now that I know isolation is a trigger for depression, with sadness and/ or mania as precursors, I need to slow down and be more aware of my moods and actions: they will tell me a lot.
I guess I did have something to share. I guess I will keep posting.
Sometimes it gets a little discouraging but then I remember that I started posting for 2 reasons. One reason was to find others who could relate to things I was experiencing, feeling and wondering about. The other reason I started and keep posting is to free my mind of the overloading thoughts. Those are the main reasons I started (beside the fact that my therapist suggested it as an assignment). Now I do it hoping that it encourages someone or lets someone reading it know that they are not alone in how they feel.
I know sometimes what I say may seem jumbled or illogical, but ” it is what it is” and what it is, is how I feel. I hope you will keep reading and I hope people will keep leaving comments. The comments I have received have been encouraging and keep me going in so many things I do.
love and appreciation to all,
pb aka peanut butter