I see over and over again how lonely it is having a mental illness.
My family does not seem to see or know the difference when something I do is out of my character and is part of the mental illness. Most of them seem to think I do illogical, irrational and selfish things just to do them, which is not the case.
There are things I do and behavior I display when manic that I would otherwise not display. It leaves me feeling that I am a mean person rather than the nice person others seem to think I am.
I feel like an outsider with some of my family members but then I feel silly for having those feelings when called out on them. What do I do with these conflicted feelings? I accept that my feelings are my feelings and that I should keep them to myself and move on with life. It is only a hiccup.
I am trying to accept that some will never understand my illness. They believe that if certain things would happen in my life, I would not be dependent upon medication or that my depression would leave for good or at least impose a visit less often.
I have bipolar 1 and I will always be on medication until the psychiatrist tells me I don’t have to be. I don’t see that happening unless the medical field finds a way to cure our sick brains of the chemical imbalance that causes the bipolar besides, I know what I am like and how I struggle when I am off medication. I don’t think they would like what they would have to deal with to be around me.
Sometimes I think I will be alone the rest of my life without a companion. I need someone who can see and know the difference when I am manic and when I am not. He has to be strong for the both of us when I am depressed. He has to not give up on me or us and know that I will come through the storm. I already know I will. When I am with my family while manic or after mania, I don’t feel this will come to fruition but when I am well or alone, I have hope and I will keep hope alive.
I am alone most of the because I don’t want to have to explain my behavior every time I get manic or have been manic. I feel like I am hurting important people in my life with my manic behavior but they don’t understand, “It is what it is” and what it is, is manic-depression. Some things I catch in a thought before it happens, other things are not a thought just an action that surprises me just as much as it does them. I have to live with the consequences, they don’t so please cut me some slack. It is not easy to clean up manic messes.
Despite having to be alone most of the time, I am doing okay with me. I am enjoying the sane parts of my life and dealing with the not so sane parts. What else can I do; go inside a cocoon and stop living just to protect the feelings of others. If they really knew me, they would know it is not really me. I wish I never acted out on impulse, felt alone, had to clean up messes and all those good things that come with being bipolar, but it is here to stay so all I can do is learn how to roll with the punches, stay focused, positive, embrace all the good in life I can by going after my dreams and making them come to fruition.
At the end of the day, I am who I am and I have to love me.
stay positive, focused and live your life to the fullest
Love to all
pb: Positively Pursuing my Passion as a Peer Supporter
Everyone needs a helping hand and an understanding ear