Please try to understand, it’s not the real me

I don’t know how anyone else feels living through the mania part of bipolar but it stinks for me most of the time.  I am tired of cleaning up messes I make during mania.  The messes are not just relationships but with my life in general.  i get off course, lose focus and have to regroup when it’s done.  Sometimes there is more mess than other times, but that is the way it is with bipolar.  I can only apologize but I cannot guarantee that there will not be another mess ever again.  That I know would be illogical.

I know my family and friends care about me, but they truly don’t understand and I get it now. I don’t think they can understand that i am not the true me with manic behavior.  I know I have not been able to get them to understand that it takes me to places that I normally would not go.  By that I mean I do things that are not characteristic of me.

I have outbursts over the most insignificant things because when I am manic it is as if my brain turns backward.  As I said before, what is logic becomes illogical and what is illogical becomes logical (that’s the only one I can explain it).  Because my logic is illogical it causes problems that normally would not exist.

My patience is ever so thin with people except other people with mental illness because I know they understand. No explanation is needed.

People that I spend a great deal of time with who really know me can tell when something has shifted. They may not understand what mania is or what bipolar is but they know that I am what I have told them is called “manic” when my behavior is erratic.

When manic, I am able to go all day without eating or drinking anything,  My mind and body are in a constant state of go.  I am driven to keep moving, to keep going from place to place until my mind finally gives the okay to go home.  Once I am home, sometimes there is another battle.  My body says go to bed, the mind says not yet, we have work to do.

At first mania is not so bad.  It is great being able to keep a hectic schedule when you live alone.  You appreciate having things to do to keep you going until time for bed.  After a while, I stay out later and later and I stay up later and later.

When mania finally has had it’s fun with me, I am tired and now I have to regroup and get my life back on track. Fortunately, I have been able to remain steady in doing the most important things in my life, I just have to give the body rest and take a mental health day and do nothing that requires thinking.  My mind needs a rest so the brain has time to shift back into the correct position.

One thing that has remained:  I never stopped Persistently Pursuing my Passion as a Peer.

After all, who knows the struggles of mental illness better than someone living it?  Who else can give you hope and encouragement for a better tomorrow and help you on your journey to get to where you want to be?

A Peer.  We help each other

love to all,

pb: Persistently Pursuing my Passion as a Peer

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Author: Fighter

I finally accepted what people have been telling me. I am full of knowledge and wisdom and I am unforgettable. My word of encouragement since 2015 has been to let others know, despite the waves and ripples in our lives, Life is totally awesome, even with a mental illness. I believe my purpose is to encourage others, advocate for those around me who have not yet found their voice to advocate for themselves and educate those without a mental illness. If for one for minute someone laughs or smiles because of something I said, that is one moment they did not think about mental illness.

8 thoughts on “Please try to understand, it’s not the real me”

  1. The only person who understands you toothache is someone who has a toothache. Same with mental issues. That is why I am so proud of suffers who will speak out.

  2. Funny enough I just this morning said to my friend – as pleasurable as mania is, it is the cycle that does the most damage, to me and to those around me. I try, as much as I am able to, to remind myself that the behaviour during mania is a symptom of the illness and not a character flaw

    1. Thank you for sharing. Sometimes when mania is running rapid and I do damage, I wonder if it is my true character. Then I remember how I am when I am not manic and that I do behave and respond to situations a lot differently. Thank you again.

  3. I’m having a tough morning inner acting with my wife an daughter. I was a little playful at church, my daughter was a little annoyed, then her mom got involved. I put it onto my daughter being overly sensitive or dramatic. We leave church and my wife flashes a bipolar arrival in my face that I sent her trying to check me, I got aggregated because firstly she obviously didn’t read it because it was about how to handle us safely when we’re manic. Also, I started feeling attacked and I really wasn’t doing anything. I’m trying to turn it around now, I’m a little pissed but my wife is being nice now and I’m going to move passed it and think how much I love her and that she wouldn’t hurt my feelings on purpose. My blog has tools I use and writing about my life, thank you for this perspective

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