I don’t know how anyone else feels living through the mania part of bipolar but it stinks for me most of the time. I am tired of cleaning up messes I make during mania. The messes are not just relationships but with my life in general. i get off course, lose focus and have to regroup when it’s done. Sometimes there is more mess than other times, but that is the way it is with bipolar. I can only apologize but I cannot guarantee that there will not be another mess ever again. That I know would be illogical.
I know my family and friends care about me, but they truly don’t understand and I get it now. I don’t think they can understand that i am not the true me with manic behavior. I know I have not been able to get them to understand that it takes me to places that I normally would not go. By that I mean I do things that are not characteristic of me.
I have outbursts over the most insignificant things because when I am manic it is as if my brain turns backward. As I said before, what is logic becomes illogical and what is illogical becomes logical (that’s the only one I can explain it). Because my logic is illogical it causes problems that normally would not exist.
My patience is ever so thin with people except other people with mental illness because I know they understand. No explanation is needed.
People that I spend a great deal of time with who really know me can tell when something has shifted. They may not understand what mania is or what bipolar is but they know that I am what I have told them is called “manic” when my behavior is erratic.
When manic, I am able to go all day without eating or drinking anything, My mind and body are in a constant state of go. I am driven to keep moving, to keep going from place to place until my mind finally gives the okay to go home. Once I am home, sometimes there is another battle. My body says go to bed, the mind says not yet, we have work to do.
At first mania is not so bad. It is great being able to keep a hectic schedule when you live alone. You appreciate having things to do to keep you going until time for bed. After a while, I stay out later and later and I stay up later and later.
When mania finally has had it’s fun with me, I am tired and now I have to regroup and get my life back on track. Fortunately, I have been able to remain steady in doing the most important things in my life, I just have to give the body rest and take a mental health day and do nothing that requires thinking. My mind needs a rest so the brain has time to shift back into the correct position.
One thing that has remained: I never stopped Persistently Pursuing my Passion as a Peer.
After all, who knows the struggles of mental illness better than someone living it? Who else can give you hope and encouragement for a better tomorrow and help you on your journey to get to where you want to be?
A Peer. We help each other
love to all,
pb: Persistently Pursuing my Passion as a Peer