2014 presented a lot of change for me.
There were some personnel changes in the program I attend and it was hard getting adjusted to new people. It rocked me a little bit and took me off point of what I was there for. I decided to stop going but now I realize that until I start working I need to go if for no other reason that to get out of the house and be with people I can connect with.
I not only connected with the other clients but with some of the staff as well. I love going there and I have grown personally since I started attending. I am a bit more confident about a lot of things and i have found my voice.
It is okay for me to stay away from people who trigger rage in me when I am manic. I used to think it was wrong to stay away but now I know it protects them and me.
Participating in different groups helped me learned emotion regulation for when I am manic. I am still learning so sometimes I still blow up. I am trying to learn to be more aware of what I am feeling when I am feeling it and using good communication skills like saying “I feel” instead of “you made me feel” when telling somehow how something they said or did made me feel. Everything I have learned is a work in progress trying to use it, but if I keep going I will use the skills that I learned more often.
Going to the center on a regular basis and staying busy when leaving the center has helped me with fighting depression. One of my maintenance tools for wellness is to get out of the house everyday. Attending the center gives me a place to go making it easy to find a reason to get dressed and get out.
Things that used to set me back for months now only get to me for hours in a day. I am learning to analyze things others say or their actions toward me, better and sooner rather than later. Even though it may sound strange, I have to talk myself through a lot of stinking thinking. Stinking thinking used to win a lot of battles with my mind causing me to be sad and go into depression or turn away from people because I thought the worst of myself or that I did something wrong and that people in my life were always angry or disappointed with me. Now I work my way through those thoughts and remind myself of the truth and move on.
The truth is, I was transferring my thoughts onto the other person and they were thinking something totally different or not thinking about me at all.
Last year in 2013 I had no direction, nothing to look forward to in life. Most of the year I was depressed and a third of the time I was manic. This year I was stable a lot longer, more than I have been since 2007.
I used to beat myself up about my last breakup because I felt it was my fault because I can be a handful with having bipolar. When we were together I had a lot of hospitalizations, but only one since we broke up. Sometimes I miss him, but i remind myself that it was not a healthy relationship even without having bipolar.
Yes, a lot of emotional changes, but good changes.
thanks for reading my blog and I love all of you.
pb: Persistently pursuing my passion to be a peer support to help someone else and continue my healing journey.