This was initially handwritten to share with you on 12/17/15
As I sit here, I am attempting as clearly as possible to share what could have easily been a last moment for me.
In a split second my life could be gone with a minuscule thought and I would have been a memory to some, a vapor to others and not even a thought to more people.
As I took up the bottle of prescribed medication, an instant thought occurred:” It would be so easy to pour the whole bottle of pills into my hand and take them as one big pill,so easy”.
Immediately the thought was replaced with “You still have dreams to live out”
I took the pill as prescribed and put the bottle down.
I was still upset over bad news but I was glad I did not act impulsively on that thought that took one brief moment to formulate in my mind, heart and emotions.
I would not want my legacy to end with “Her life had value to others but none to herself”
Wow- what a powerful statement, my thoughts say as I read that statement to myself.
My greatest desire is to touch the lives of others whether it was because I gave a warm smile, a loving hug, a word of encouragement or just made you laugh by being silly when I could not get you to smile even for a moment. Touching someone’s life in a positive, uplifting moment, no matter how brief the encounter, is what gives my life purpose and great pleasure. It is what makes me, simply me.
That desire and thankfulness to God for the gift of life everyday is what gives me passion for life. It is that passion that is so powerful that it can override thoughts to quickly and forever end emotional and physical pain. It can end the pain of knowledge of physical illness and having a mental illness, a mental illness that can at any moment cause major relationship destruction, depression or put my life in danger.
That moment of “It would be so easy to…” is a dangerous moment many if not all of us have come face to face with.
I need, you need, we all need, with and without a mental illness, to remember: not only is each day a gift, but each moment.
Live each moment that you can with gusto, with passion, with an inside joy so strong it will help you get through those “How easy it would be…” times.
I have a small plaque on my desk that reads: Don’t dream your life, live your dream.
I promise to live every moment of everyday of wellness spending time moving toward living my dream(s).
Remember, I love all of you. You are part of me, a part that makes me feel safe when mental illness tries to make me feel worthless and that no one cares.
You make me feel safe to share my fears without judgement or ridicule.
You encourage me, lift me and give me added strength to never give up.
Thank you from my heart.
Be good to you. Don’t dream your life, live your dream every moment of everyday of wellness. This will get you through the “It would be so easy to…” times because you will remember you have dreams to live and do not have time to take your life.
Love to all
pb: Positively and passionately pursuing my dream. Promising to live each wellness day with inside joy to get through those “It would be so easy to…” moments of stinking thinking.