There is a pain that is indescribable to others who are not mentally ill. At least this is what I believe.
When I am depressed and feel this pain I try to explain it to my family and friends when they see me hold my stomach and bending over. They see that I am in pain but do not understand when I say “It is a pain that medicine will not take away. It is a pain that I cannot put words to” that will make them understand. I feel that no one will understand unless they fell this same pain that never goes away when you have depression caused by a mental illness.
It is my belief there is a difference when you have depression as a result of mental illness and depression as a result of circumstances.
When your circumstances cause you depression and change, the depression goes away.
When your depression is a component of a mental illness, that is a different type of depression. It is not due to circumstances changing for the worse or the better. It is present no matter what event is happening in life.
Currently I am trying my best to keep it together and fight this war of depression and keep it together so to speak. It is better when I am physically around people. I can pretend I am listening when I really am not even there mentally.
I am up and down. Manic and depressed. It makes me feel like I am racing against time when I am manic. I have to get everything done that I can because I know depression is coming again, but when is what I don’t know. It is always lurking somewhere.
Some moments or days are better than others. Depression is always accompanied by that indescribable pain, hopelessness and loss of desire to go on. That is what I fight the most. The will to live. Others remind me of my dreams and assure me they are possible. I try to hold on to that. That helps my thoughts for a very brief moment. Nevertheless, the pain shortly takes control again and nothing can soothe it. It feels unbearable and I often wonder how do others get through it.
How do you get through it? Somebody help me. I am reaching out for answers before that pain takes over again. How do you get through it. I know the answers are not the same for everyone, but at least I can try something.