Indescribable Pain

There is a pain that is indescribable to others who are not mentally ill.  At least this is what I believe.

When I am depressed and feel this pain I try to explain it to my family and friends when they see me hold my stomach and bending over.  They see that I am in pain but  do not understand when I say “It is a pain that medicine will not take away.  It is a pain that I cannot put words to” that will make them understand.  I feel that no one will understand unless they fell this same pain that never goes away when you have depression caused by a mental illness.

It is my belief there is a difference when you have depression as a result of mental illness and depression as a result of circumstances.

When your circumstances cause you depression and change, the depression goes away.

When your depression is a component of a mental illness, that is a different type of depression. It is not due to circumstances changing for the worse or the better.  It is present no matter what event is happening in life.

Currently I am trying my best to keep it together and fight this war of depression and keep it together so to speak.  It is better when I am physically around people.  I can pretend I am listening when I really am not even there mentally.

I am up and down.  Manic and depressed.  It makes me feel like I am racing against time when I am manic. I have to get everything done that I can because I know depression is coming again, but when is what I don’t know.  It is always lurking somewhere.

Some moments or days are better than others.  Depression is always accompanied by that indescribable pain, hopelessness and loss of desire to go on.  That is what I fight the most.  The will to live.  Others remind me of my dreams and assure me they are possible.  I try to hold on to that.  That helps my thoughts for a very brief moment. Nevertheless, the pain shortly takes control again and nothing can soothe it. It feels unbearable and I often wonder how do others get through it.

How do you get through it?  Somebody help me.  I am reaching out for answers before that pain takes over again.  How do you get through it.  I know the answers are not the same for everyone, but at least I can try something.

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Author: Fighter

I finally accepted what people have been telling me. I am full of knowledge and wisdom and I am unforgettable. My word of encouragement since 2015 has been to let others know, despite the waves and ripples in our lives, Life is totally awesome, even with a mental illness. I believe my purpose is to encourage others, advocate for those around me who have not yet found their voice to advocate for themselves and educate those without a mental illness. If for one for minute someone laughs or smiles because of something I said, that is one moment they did not think about mental illness.

2 thoughts on “Indescribable Pain”

  1. I deeply can relate to your words and feelings. The only thing really that helps me hang on is the knowledge that I do have loved ones that would be devastated if I took my life. But in the darkness of depression, it’s hard to even care about that so I choose to do a couple of things, one is to know that at some point there will be a true happy moment. It really does suck though because 80% of my days are very depressed days. The second thing I do though is to try to shift my thoughts into some gratitude. I do not like my current living situation but I flip it to the positive knowing that my illness truly could have me living on the streets but I have a great family helping me. I day dream at times about giving up, disappearing among the homeless and just doing drugs until I die. Terrible dream I know but sometimes it seems like it would just be easier to do that than to do so much pretending for other people.

    1. Thank you for sharing. Sometimes I do not like my living situation. Which is strange because there is nothing wrong with it. But when I am depressed it feels like a dark hole that I want to get away from. Thank you for sharing what helps you.

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