Is this normal or is it bipolar?

I was talking to a new friend I was interested in getting to know better.

We would have very long phone conversations and then he would start sharing some of his observations about me.

He kept saying, I (being me) don’t know what I want.  On just about every occasion he said this, I took offense.

Lately, having more time with my thoughts (I hate those moments), I realize he is right.

One minute I am destined to move to a certain state.  I begin to make preparations by looking for housing, jobs, vocational resources for people with disability, active housing for 55 plus, etc and then I do not want to move.  Decision made.  Right? I go back and forth with this for months only to make a decision at the last moment (usually end up not moving) and then I am up and down for the next 12 mos.

Another: I want a serious relationship (meet the love of my life and we are together till death do us part) or maybe a semi-serious relationship, we are exclusive but do not live together.  Maybe, I just want to date the same person, but nothing serious (whatever that really means).  I can’t decide what the hell I want.  Do I even want to be in a relationship or friends with benefits. What The Hell.  How hard should it be to figure that out.  What the hell am I doing on a dating site when I don’t know the answer.  I just kept changing what I am looking for.  Gee.  wonder why I don’t get any hits.

Sometimes I feel so lonely and alone that I truly believe having a significant other will make all the difference and then there are days when I am so restless I am at the Speedway gas station 3 or 4 am for coffee and I just know I cannot have a real relationship if this is what I am driven to do at times.  Driven.

Here’s another.  There are times when sex (remember I am very single and live very alone and no relationship- dammit) is needed a lot.  It’s not that I purposely think about it. My body just craves it.  It becomes almost like a drug.

Has anyone else or does anyone else experience this?  This is not a once in a lifetime thing.  It happens several times throughout the year.   I mean, one time I invited this guy to my home I only met once.  What the???? That is definitely not me.  One time I was going through so bad, I thought, wow, this dating site is a gold mine.  I can just pick someone off the site like going through the yellow pages and calling for a plumber.

Sometimes, I think I am really unbalanced mentally. But wait.  Isn’t that what mental illness is or is it not?

Most of the time confident in who I am, sometimes at very important times, not confident at all.  Stinking thinking wins the battle.  I am the most “un” person alive.

Is this the mental illness war?


Author: Fighter

I finally accepted what people have been telling me. I am full of knowledge and wisdom and I am unforgettable. My word of encouragement since 2015 has been to let others know, despite the waves and ripples in our lives, Life is totally awesome, even with a mental illness. I believe my purpose is to encourage others, advocate for those around me who have not yet found their voice to advocate for themselves and educate those without a mental illness. If for one for minute someone laughs or smiles because of something I said, that is one moment they did not think about mental illness.

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