I was talking to a new friend I was interested in getting to know better.
We would have very long phone conversations and then he would start sharing some of his observations about me.
He kept saying, I (being me) don’t know what I want. On just about every occasion he said this, I took offense.
Lately, having more time with my thoughts (I hate those moments), I realize he is right.
One minute I am destined to move to a certain state. I begin to make preparations by looking for housing, jobs, vocational resources for people with disability, active housing for 55 plus, etc and then I do not want to move. Decision made. Right? I go back and forth with this for months only to make a decision at the last moment (usually end up not moving) and then I am up and down for the next 12 mos.
Another: I want a serious relationship (meet the love of my life and we are together till death do us part) or maybe a semi-serious relationship, we are exclusive but do not live together. Maybe, I just want to date the same person, but nothing serious (whatever that really means). I can’t decide what the hell I want. Do I even want to be in a relationship or friends with benefits. What The Hell. How hard should it be to figure that out. What the hell am I doing on a dating site when I don’t know the answer. I just kept changing what I am looking for. Gee. wonder why I don’t get any hits.
Sometimes I feel so lonely and alone that I truly believe having a significant other will make all the difference and then there are days when I am so restless I am at the Speedway gas station 3 or 4 am for coffee and I just know I cannot have a real relationship if this is what I am driven to do at times. Driven.
Here’s another. There are times when sex (remember I am very single and live very alone and no relationship- dammit) is needed a lot. It’s not that I purposely think about it. My body just craves it. It becomes almost like a drug.
Has anyone else or does anyone else experience this? This is not a once in a lifetime thing. It happens several times throughout the year. I mean, one time I invited this guy to my home I only met once. What the???? That is definitely not me. One time I was going through so bad, I thought, wow, this dating site is a gold mine. I can just pick someone off the site like going through the yellow pages and calling for a plumber.
Sometimes, I think I am really unbalanced mentally. But wait. Isn’t that what mental illness is or is it not?
Most of the time confident in who I am, sometimes at very important times, not confident at all. Stinking thinking wins the battle. I am the most “un” person alive.
Is this the mental illness war?