The start of the holidays are upon us.
The New Year’s Eve Parties
These are really rough times for me: crying for unexplained reasons. Sadness creeping in to the point that I have to be aware on a daily basis all throughout the day that it could easily turn into depression.
These are the main times my thoughts are mixed. On the one hand I desperately want and feel I need a special man in my life to remind me of how much he loves me and that we will get through this together. We will find a way to make things stay stable so I don’t sink into that nasty depression. His arms around me with my head on his shoulder will be comforting and reassuring.
On the flip side of the hand, I might be okay with not having anyone there. I don’t have to worry if what I am going through will drive him away. One more deep cutting hurt that only time will take away. In the meantime, the pain in either case, is excruciating. I cannot even begin to explain the how this pain feels. I do not have anything to compare it to.
The difference is that with someone, I am not alone in the storm. I have someone to hold onto tightly.
The second, not only am I in the storm alone, but I believe all the negative things the storm speaks to my mind. The strongest thought: I will never have anyone in my life. The first scenario will never materialize. Any man seeing me in this situation will run.
So, what do I do????
I have to keep moving. Stay on the move mentally that is. When I drive, not only do I listen to music, I have to blast it. Ironically, sometimes it chases away the sadness, even though it is but for a moment.
I have to be someone there are people. We don’t have to socialize with each other, just knowing someone is there in the same building lets me know help (conversation, if I need it, is right around the corner).
Times like these (holiday season) I would almost rather be manic. (Stable is preferable of course, enjoying the holidays would be great) At least I would find projects to work on, even if I have to create them. I would find things comical and be able to socialize better.
But holiday season is never near the feeling of mania. So, I take it day by day, trying to find things to help me get through the before 5pm part of the day and then the after 5pm part of the day. Then there is the weekend. No solution there just yet.
All in all. I am constantly working on trying to find a solution. I may never be happy holiday time (not even visiting with all my family) but I would like to be able to smile when around others. A genuine smile.
I may not have expressed myself clearly. The bottom line, I would much rather skips the holidays which is the depression season and go to the Spring (my manic season). at least for a little while. mania has its own problems.
I guess the real bottom line is that living with bipolar sucks.