Am I making myself feel sick and like breaking down crying or is it one of the things people living with bipolar tend to experience?
I have tried to seek out ways to find love. Someone that will put his heart into trying to understand what is going on. That will stay even though he does not understand, just because he loves me and see that I am in pain.
When I am manic, I need someone who recognizes that my brain operates on impulses. Everything I know as being logical becomes illogical to me when manic.
Situations that I should be cautions about, I tend to throw caution, worry about safety and consequences to the wind. I see no danger where there really is danger. I do not see it until I come down from mania and remember where I had been or what I had done.
I am sitting here feeling sick on my stomach because I feel like I sold myself out. I have settled for what is supposed to be friends with benefits, but there is no friend part that I can see.
Almost every text message has something from him about sex and I pick it up and go along with it. I know there is a part of me that loves being sensual, seductive and erotic. This side of me has no boundaries most of the time, yet I feel that I have sunk to a new low, deeper in the pit of perversion. A place I would never have gone before. It sickens my stomach to think of the next action I am going to take.
You see, when I could not meet anyone who wanted to get to know me and maybe be a significant part of my life, I decided to go online and just say I wanted to make friends for hangout. Somewhere in-between the front and back of the mind, I knew what I was getting into when I read some of the profiles.
When manic, I tend to become very sensual, seductive, arouse very easily and have a thirst that cannot be quenched. This always causes me to put myself in a predicament I normally would not. I wish I could say I was two people but I know I am the same person. Yet I feel like the Jekyll and Hyde character.
I am going to meet this person for the benefits. I know in my heart it is not what I want, but there is something that is compelling me to do this and enter into a world that I never knew. It is a world I never thought I would even want to become a part of. Yet mania speaks loudly to me and says go. Go and live out your fantasy.
How do I resist following the road mania shouts for me to enter?
I feel that I have lost so much of myself. The real me that was not happy, yet could be content and always tried to see that life is awesome despite what is going on in my life.
For me and I am sure a few others, mental illness is a lonely life. People in my life as friends and love ones cannot begin to understand the pain that comes with what one person says, Is the bipolar drama. I now know and accept that I will never have that real loving relationship. I am heading down a path that I need help to get off.
Does anyone ever get hyper-sexual when manic? If yes, how do you handle it? Do you give in to the strong desire and whatever is pulling you toward that world?
Am I just writing words that make no sense or does someone know how I feel or understand what I am trying to say.