How can I change me?

I like to remove myself from an awkward , situation, especially if it is one that I created.

Sometimes the tears flow and the nose runs.  I am having a difficult time putting an end to the way I feel.

Someone said, getting teary is weak and is kiddie shit.  I try not to, believe  me I do.  I try to be emotionless around people and cry in silence.  I am afraid to let people see me cry.  It is a sign  of weakness and I cannot be weak.

Lately, I feel like moving away and becoming a hermit. Maybe then I would truly be with me being me.  There is no one in my family or small group of friends I can share this with.  It translates, that I feel sorry for myself and I do not want to feel sorry for myself.

I have felt like a fool for who I am and what I around around people that are close to me.  It is not how they make me feel, but how I interpret how I think they may feel.

Kiddie shit. How does one really stop crying.  There is never a need to cry.  Two different people have told me I feel sorry for myself.  When I am told that I try to figure out how to stop crying, an indication of feeling sorry for myself.  I wonder if I need medication,they clearly do not think  I do.

I am told, don’t go calling your therapist.  Which I don’t.  My conclusion is that this person does not know me and does not desire or  care to get to know me.

It’s all good. Because I am overweight, my feelings should not be hurt about that and I agree, they should.  Even though I have no thyroid, that is not a reason it should be hard to lose weight.

How do I change how people in my personal life see me.  I cry and I am sorry.  According to you, I am weak.  I know I walk away to keep things from escalating but you think you know me and are ready to say I am getting chocked up.  Have you not noticed I do not cry or be all of who I am when I am around you?

I am strong in my own way.  Just because I  show emotions does not mean that I am  weak

 

 

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Author: Fighter

I finally accepted what people have been telling me. I am full of knowledge and wisdom and I am unforgettable. My word of encouragement since 2015 has been to let others know, despite the waves and ripples in our lives, Life is totally awesome, even with a mental illness. I believe my purpose is to encourage others, advocate for those around me who have not yet found their voice to advocate for themselves and educate those without a mental illness. If for one for minute someone laughs or smiles because of something I said, that is one moment they did not think about mental illness.

5 thoughts on “How can I change me?”

  1. I used to think when I was a kid that others would pay attention to my tears, that somehow my tears would speak sadness, loneliness, estrangement, but they never did, somehow. I would cry and run to my room and isolate. I cried again, more recent, and I did not isolate. I stayed out in the mix. I felt weird, uncomfortable, and ashamed somewhat, but I did not isolate. I felt stronger because, like you, I showed my emotion rather than hiding it.

    1. Thank you for your response. Sometimes I go into a room or in the bathroom and bury my head in a towel or blanket so no one will hear me cry. I feel lost because I don’t know why I just start crying for no apparent reason. When I start it is as if floodgates of tears start to stream. Thank you for sharing.

      1. You’re welcome. Tears through years turn into diamonds of peers. Experience teaches us much and helps us to find our place among whom we fit.

      2. I guess that’s what I have been and keep looking for: where and among whom do I fit in my everyday life. Thank you for those words of encouragement. I wrote them in a book I carry with me to remember things.

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