Lost, but am I hopeless?

I guess I am just feeling sorry for myself today, although I really do not know.

This morning shortly after I got up, I started feeling a little lost.  I realized that I have no purpose, no sense of being.

The only thing that seems to quiet my stinking thinking thoughts is making manuals.  I research things of interest and make manuals.  They are filled with a lot of information that I never go back and read.  One may say it is a waste but that seems to be the thing that makes me feel as though I am doing something worthwhile.  In reality it probably is a waste because the information is never read by me or anyone else.  Yet, it is what it is.

Why do I feel this morning as though I am alone and everyone in my support circle is gone.  I no longer have that place of safety to go to.  There is no one who wants to listen.  They are either too busy or simply don’t care to hear or care to understand.

Does anyone else feel as though they have no purpose?  Is that usually associated with a mental illness.  I don’t think so, since there are so many people with a mental illness yet function with purpose and meaningful life everyday.

I was focusing on a game I play on my kindle when I don’t want to think of anything sad.  Yet a memory came to my mind that gave me a chill and then I began to cry.  I said some mean things to someone who used to be a friend.  At the time of course, I did not think they were mean.  That was the last time that person spoke  to me.

I turned on myself and kept verbally attacking myself.  I was so upset that I cried hysterically and began to take too many pills.  I started hallucinating.

That was the end of that relationship.

Has being bipolar caused you to lose good relationships?

Does anyone feel as though they have no purpose for being here?

Do you feel that your mental illness limits you when it comes to doing some things?

I can’t really give you a for instance because it is different for everyone, everyone that is that feels as though there are some things they cannot do because they have a mental illness diagnosis?

Do you ever just blankly stare at the t.v.?  The only reason you have it on is to hear voices so that you don’t have to listen to your stinking thoughts.

Lately, I do not find pleasure or stress relief in doing things around my home that once helped.  I hardly do anything beyond some tidying up.  Rarely do I vacuum anymore or really clean.  What is happening to me?  I started taking photos and deco off the walls.






Author: Fighter

I finally accepted what people have been telling me. I am full of knowledge and wisdom and I am unforgettable. My word of encouragement since 2015 has been to let others know, despite the waves and ripples in our lives, Life is totally awesome, even with a mental illness. I believe my purpose is to encourage others, advocate for those around me who have not yet found their voice to advocate for themselves and educate those without a mental illness. If for one for minute someone laughs or smiles because of something I said, that is one moment they did not think about mental illness.

One thought on “Lost, but am I hopeless?”

  1. Thank you for your comment. It helps to know that I am not alone in how I feel. I have lost people I thought were friends but it is okay.
    I am trying to really make peace with living alone in my heart and not just lip service. I am a work in progress. I know I have to come to terms with it before I can really and truly be ok with aloneless. It is really good to know I am not alone in my thoughts, loss of relationships.
    Somewhere I lost me and I need to find me again.

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