????????????? about it ???????????????
The “M” word and the “H” word that goes with it,
at least it does for me.
The “M” being Mania.
The “H” being Hyper-sexual.
When I am manic, I get very hyper-sexual. If I am not paying attention to my thoughts, by the time I realize what is happening, I am already in the danger zone: the uncontrollable, impulsive, exciting, zone that comes with mania. My mania.
I cannot and dare not say we all experience all the same feelings and behavior as everyone else with bipolar.
This I do know. I am not alone in this risky behavior. Although I do not know anyone else, I do know that there are others who go through this only later to be embarrassed by the deeds we did when in this state of mind.
Each time it comes around, I take more and more chances with no thought of consequences. You see, everything that we once agreed were logical becomes illogical and senseless to me and that which I once thought was illogical now become logical to me. Because my brain now tells me everything is reverse in my thinking, why would there be negative consequences?
Mania is as if my brain lifts and shifts to the front of the lobe where impulsiveness is now the ruler of my mind and my actions.
I came to the conclusion today that when my mind is focusing on something else for a period of time, I have no idea what is going on until I am inviting strangers to my house. I am talking about men that I meet online. Before I know it, it is another and another. Always a different one. I realize that this dating site is merely a pick up site and now it is a hunting ground for me.
Time would escape me and days were now weeks in my sick mind. When I did not hear from the same man in a short period of time, I would get very irate and let him know it because he should have called sooner, my brain says. Later, when no longer manic, I realize what I thought was weeks were only days and months had only been weeks. It seemed as though i had lived for months this way only to later realize it had not been that long at all.
I would get wasted at night because I had no new emails from the site thinking no one else was interested. One night I was so wasted I sent a nasty text to this one guy (I did not know even remember what the text said when he called to confront me moments after I must have hit the send button.
I would go out of town to meet someone for the first time and not tell my family or friends where I was going. I told one person the first time I left town. I gave very little information and thought nothing of spending the night at a stranger’s house the first day we met.
When my brain shifts again and goes back to well, I am disgusted by my actions and vow to not repeat those actions.
I usually tell my therapist most of what goes on, but you never tell anyone everything. You keep a little part of every story hidden from others, including yourself.
The memories of the things I did come back at a later time and I am very upset and disgusted in the pit of my stomach with myself. I know this is not the normal me. I am not perfect but there are some things I normally would not do.
My therapist reminds me this is part of the illness. I must try to remember it so I can try to self check my thoughts and movements a little better. Mostly, I try to remember it is part of the illness so that I do not get so disgusted with myself that I do not confront it.
Will I never experience hyper-sexuality again? I honestly do not know.
I might not or it might continue as a seasonal sequel that takes a rest during certain months.
love to all and hopefully not judged