So it seems as though my last post “Can We Talk” went a little too far. It appears that I am probably the only one with this problem.
I apologize for those of you who may have found this topic offensive.
On another note. I am struggling to figure out what actions are bipolar and what actions are just my personality. Sometimes the lines get blurred.
One of my children says I am outspoken and I am. I know that is my personality. Being outspoken can be a good thing when you an advocate for yourself or others. Your voice is the one that fights not only for your rights but the rights of others who have not yet found their voice. Some are too shy and never will. That is when being outspoken is a good thing.
On the other hand, it can produce negative results or cause one to be offended, such as the last post. It can also destroy relationships whether we mean to or not.
I have learned that every thought we have is not for us to say out loud. This takes great discipline because it causes us to pause and think for a moment the possible consequences that thought might cause.
Even though the lines become blurred at times, there are some signs when I know it is me such as laughing. When I am me or not heading for or in mania, I laugh at normal things that are funny. When manic, things are just plain funny, whether others think so or not. At times I just sit and start laughing. I have heard people say, “She is in her own world” and I am. No one knows what I am laughing about and everything is funny to me.
Being outspoken takes a little more thought. When in a group, I tend to say what I am thinking whether I agree or not. I say it with an example so everyone understands and most everyone agrees. It is just that some people are shy but when someone else expresses what they are thinking it brings out what they want to say. That I know is my personality. When I just start saying random things and do not care about others feelings on the subject, I know it is not me. Being insensitive and hard on people is not me. People do not complain about this. They just think I am having a normal bad day, but I know the difference and those who know my illness know it is not me. I am generally a happy person and life is as the character Forest Gump says,” life is like a box of chocolates. you never know what you’re gonna get”
The last part is when I am irritable. If I can figure out why, then most of the time it is me. However there are times when I cannot tell if it is me or the bipolar because I may not be able to figure out the cause. It can be something or someone triggered me. It can lead to self harm. Am I self harming as a result of being irritable or am I self harming because I feel misunderstood. I know it is two in one, being irritable and self harming.
Finally, I truly believe out of all my diagnosis that are current and the ones I am waiting for a report, mental illness is truly a BITCH. It does what it wants, when it wants. It is a daily fight. So is having cancer ( I am a two time cancer survivor. These statements apply to what I have experienced and how I feel). However, if cancer is caught early enough, most times, something can be done to treat it whether surgical or some other form of treatment.
Mental illness cannot be cured. Time and different techniques have been tried and failed. Hopefully many of us are getting treatment and following our wellness plan. The sick part of our brain cannot be operated on to make it better. There is no treatment to make it go away.
The only treatment that works for me is compliance with going to psychotherapy and taking my medications as instructed. Honestly, sometimes I fail at both. Yet, because I know it is a matter of giving up and losing my life or fighting and living, I choose to get back on my regimen and live as long as I can.
I do hope this is a better post that more people can relate to. I do realize that many of the issues I have are are not experienced by everyone or even a majority of people with mental illness. Those who do experience it, may not be willing to share. It is a personal thing.
I share, my experiences, good, bad and not so good in hopes it will help someone to understand they are not alone and it is nothing wrong that they did, it is the illness.
One thing I hope we all agree on: at times, our mental illness has a way of ruling what we think, our actions based on what we think, what we perceive as real, even though it may not be real. It is not our fault. It is one of many characteristics or symptoms of mental illness.
love to all,
hope this helps someone whether they comment or not.