Frankly speaking..

Apologies ahead of time for anyone who gets offended.  It is not my intent but I really need to talk about this.

Yes, it is back to being hyper-sexual.  I don’t know if it is an obsession or addiction but I am not used to being turned down, not once but twice by the same person.

I thought there was one person who could be there for me whenever the need arose.  You know, friends with benefits.

We really are not even friends, just acquaintances.  He is so closed about everything, I don’t know much about him.

I tried to get him to my house alone twice and he could not make it either time.   No explanation, just, I can’t

Now that I feel rejected and somewhat ashamed, my attitude is fuck him, but not really.  I don’t know why not. He seems to be in it for a moment and then he has to get back to work, if you are really wanting to get busy, why not come back.  Maybe there is something I should but do not know.

Now that the beast has rose it’s ugly head again.  I find myself wanting him even more to the point where I said, btw, x times annually I get hyper-sexual.  Minutes later, I apologized because that comment was not necessary. Have a good weekend and I will see one or both (his partner) if anything else goes wrong with the unit.

For me, there will be no more flirting with him.  Now I am going back to Plenty of Fish.  Yes, it is the pickup cesspool but maybe this time if I keep my mouth shut and do more talking, maybe I will make a real friend (yeah, right), impossible things have been known to happen.

What will or will not happen.  This is what I know is my reality:

There is no chance I will find someone to love me, bipolar and all to stay there for the long haul.  I have not had a chance to tell this man that I am bipolar so he probably doesn’t even get it.

As saddening as that is, this is also my reality: I will be hyper-sexual and I will make sure my needs get met.  Hopefully one day, they will make a medicine that will work with my body and not against it.

I do not like living like this, but right now, I have no solutions and no shame.  Only questions that I need answers to.  How much longer do I have to wait for a solution and is there one that does not require more medication.

If by some strange chance we do get together, I hope it will be worth it.  Frankly though, I do not see it happening.

no judgements, comments accepted, good, bad and not so good.

 

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Author: Fighter

I finally accepted what people have been telling me. I am full of knowledge and wisdom and I am unforgettable. My word of encouragement since 2015 has been to let others know, despite the waves and ripples in our lives, Life is totally awesome, even with a mental illness. I believe my purpose is to encourage others, advocate for those around me who have not yet found their voice to advocate for themselves and educate those without a mental illness. If for one for minute someone laughs or smiles because of something I said, that is one moment they did not think about mental illness.

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