I have been diagnosed with conversion disorder also known as non-epileptic spells and a few other names. They all mean the same thing: medical symptoms with no underlying medical causes. These incidents are usually brought on by stressful events, traumatic events or having a mental illness: anxiety, panic attacks, depression,ptsd and others.
By no means am I am expert but it is a fascinating illness and it is an illness. You cannot control what happens to your mind or body and it is not your fault or in this case, it is not my fault. It is nothing I did except that I cannot face the trauma in my past. I cannot think about one traumatic event without a flood of them rushing to my mind. If I do, I feel a click on the right temple of my head and immediately I can feel my body slowing down as if my batteries were winding down.
My brain begins to disconnect where I cannot think of words or sentences. When words or sentences do formulate in my brain, it is hard to get them from the brain to the mouth and when I do it is with great difficulty. It is hard for a lot of people to understand me. Added to this episode is a panic or anxiety attack because I am embarrassed even though it is nothing to be embarrassed about.
Everyone has a pet peeve and mine is when someone says to me “You can do it”. I know when it is too much going on in my head, no one else does. Please don’t tell me what I can do unless you are prepared to expand upon that. Just because I have the capability to do something does not mean there is enough space in my head left to handle one more thing.
My other pet peeve is when someone says, ” just forget about it and move on” “You need to learn to let things go”. That is the answer they give when you try to talk about certain things that are still haunting you. Things that you know you should have gotten over a long time ago but because your brain hid it from you, doesn’t mean it stays away for forever. For instance, something very ugly and traumatic happens to you regardless of age. You feel disgusting, frustrated, unclean or however you choose. At first if you do not deal with it and push it away or attempt to, your brain closes the door on it for a period of time.
Now the brain says, let’s start remembering, but you are still not prepared. You know something happened and may even know what occurred but still the front part of your brain is not ready to think or talk about it which means it still affects you in some way. So please don’t tell me to forget what I cannot fully remember because a part of my brain says you are not ready for the whole ugly truth yet.
Who knows how much….. your brain can handle at one time, it doesn’t just have to be stress or trauma, maybe to many details about things that are important and must be done immediate. Who knows how much trauma comes back at one time.
A final thought. If it is so easy to put the pass trauma behind and move on, who would hold onto it. It affects so much of who we are, what we think of ourselves, how we cope with situations and for me, a lot of memory gaps.
I and only l know how much my brain can handle and no one else.
I have to know when to say enough. I can’t do anymore.
I have to protect what is an already fragile mind because part of it is permanently damaged.
Don’t let anyone push you more than your brain can handle and stay healthy.
Love to all