Reality says another.
This only happens when I am manic or in the middle of both ends of the bipolar pole. In other words, I believe I am on a roller coaster ride when there is no roller coaster where I am.
This may not be a good analogy so let me explain what I mean.
When I meet someone of the opposite sex that is nice to me, I tend to form a relationship in my head that does not exist.
My thoughts and actions toward this person are what you would expect from someone that you are in a serious relationship with. This person might not even be a friend but an acquaintance.
To be more specific: there is a person that hugs me whenever they come to my home. I don’t see them very often and sometimes not for months. But because they embrace me, make me laugh and have a warm personality, there are questions that burn in me that I know I do not have a legitimate right to ask.
We are not in a relationship so it really is not my business what this person does in their personal life. That is the reality.
In my illogical thinking we are in a relationship and I want to know what that person is doing in their time when they are not working.
In the beginning, I ask do you have a significant other in your life. I ask because I do not want to be infringing on someone else’s love. They tell me no.
At first I believe them because I am thinking rationally.
Once mania hits, rationality goes out and irrational thinking is where I live in my mind.
My behavior becomes that of a cheated on woman. I cry about their disloyalty because I think they are sneaking away on the weekend to be with someone else. I send crazy texts like “you lied to me I thought you said you said you were not involved with anyone”.
There is a battle in my mind. Reality vs. unreality . Thoughts to questions that do not apply, such as why are they ignoring my text messages become an obsession.
The reality is that they never call me or text me, only in my mind. But it is an existing relationship to me.
I cry as though I have been cast to the side, lied to or rejected.
Reality comes back and I now have to clean up a mess.
Unfortunately, that is the only thing that is real. I have to clean up a relationship mess, even with acquaintances who bring something special to me: a hug, good conversation, a listening hear and encouragement.
As always, bipolar is a stubborn BITCH, that will not go away.