The darkness in the light

I’m siiting alone in a sunny room yet it feels terrible dark.

I messed up a relationship that had just healed and was growing.

It was not intentional. No one ever sets out to intentionally hurt someone they care about.

Lately l cry alot.  I’m beginning to feel like there is no way out except a nap for many days, hoping that the pain and self anger will be gone when l wake up

I have learned suicide is not the answer. It is permanent not only does the pain end, everything ceases including my existence

I used to say the sun was inside of us, but lately there is only the darkness of pain, loneliness and fear.

I have been trying to get the sun inside again but it is refusing to shine.lt has been blocked by a horrible darkness that comes from isolation, paranoia and shame.

Paranoia has set in again. Each time worse than the last. Sometimes it is paralyzing.

Today is the worst. I have been up since yesterday. I am afraid for the day and even more afraid of the night. Now it is dark in me even though the sun is shining.  It is worse at night because the darkness is everywhere. There is no escaping.

As l sit in this internal place of  darkness, fears grips me and l wonder, will l be able to sleep tonight or will the darkness still be there

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Author: Fighter

I finally accepted what people have been telling me. I am full of knowledge and wisdom and I am unforgettable. My word of encouragement since 2015 has been to let others know, despite the waves and ripples in our lives, Life is totally awesome, even with a mental illness. I believe my purpose is to encourage others, advocate for those around me who have not yet found their voice to advocate for themselves and educate those without a mental illness. If for one for minute someone laughs or smiles because of something I said, that is one moment they did not think about mental illness.

4 thoughts on “The darkness in the light”

    1. Maybe if we speak to each other about our pain of the darkness then together we can come to the surface where the sun shines within dispelling the darkness. Not a one time thing since bipolar refuses to let us go.

      1. I agree. And I find blogging and the bipolar community on wordpress a godsend. I wouldn’t have made it through a lot my stuff had it not been for the ability to share and receive empathy and understanding

      2. I definitely can relate to that. One particular incident always stands out in my mind. It was about 3 am. I had been battling the depression side of the pole and had a fixation on suicide. I started blogging and was there for a while. By the time I finished, the suicidal thoughts had left. Doing that post that morning literally saved my life. Thank you for sharing

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