Afraid for love to find me

0519ad7f45b8bd8655979ccd7df7e3bd274216-wmThere are days I long for someone understanding of my bipolar,  to find me and love.

Most days I am sure that there is no one who is willing to  deal with or love me as a person with the ups and downs that come with the day to day uncertainly of bipolar mood swings.

I tried it once and it did not work out for many reasons.  Yet I feel that I have to a lot to offer in spite of my mental illness.  The symptoms of the illness may be stable for a while and then decide to show up. The symptoms are what happens but do not define me or what I have to offer someone.

Just because my love is there when things are  fine, will he still be there when I go from one end of the roller coaster to the next.

Will he grow tired of riding it out with me?  Will he have enough and regret his relationship with me.  Will he stay with me being unhappy and ruining any chance of happiness with someone.

I want love to be in a lover’s arm and feel secure that they will love me enough to be strong to ride the waves for me.  I think that is too much to hope.  If they stay, they may ruin their life.  If they go, it may feel like my life is ruined.  I don’t want to find love only to  have it leave in order to not ruin their life and find someone new.

The illustration says it all except more accurately my statement is:

I live with bipolar and want to someone to love and love me.  I am afraid for love to find me because I feel somewhere between the highs of mania and the lows of depression, I am afraid to give and receive love because I do not want to ruin their life.

Life is a gift and I try to treasure the present day as a such.  Yet, there are times when I long to be connected to someone who will not be afraid to stay no matter what end of the spectrum I am at because they will know we can make it together as long as we realize there is no guarantee  mania and depression will return.

Because he loves me and wants to only be with me, he will be beside during the highs and loves and be certain that no matter, I love and treasure him.

He take time to learn not only about the illness but how to help me through episodes, sometimes just being there and not saying a word.  Reassuring me of their love and not staying will not ruin their love but will make our love grow and our bond stronger.

I want to love, but will loving me cause him to one day feel like loving and being with me is ruining his life?

Time will tell, if I take the chance and accept love when it finds me

 

 

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Author: Fighter

I finally accepted what people have been telling me. I am full of knowledge and wisdom and I am unforgettable. My word of encouragement since 2015 has been to let others know, despite the waves and ripples in our lives, Life is totally awesome, even with a mental illness. I believe my purpose is to encourage others, advocate for those around me who have not yet found their voice to advocate for themselves and educate those without a mental illness. If for one for minute someone laughs or smiles because of something I said, that is one moment they did not think about mental illness.

12 thoughts on “Afraid for love to find me”

  1. I married a bipolar man, we have been together happily for 5 years now. I can’t pretend that it’s been easy every step of the way, but given the selection of issues we Could have had, I’d say this is manageable. Keep your head up, and never look down on yourself.

  2. I’ve also looked for love. But, given one month, they’ve seen my full spectrum of the illness and don’t want to be part of it. I’ve swore off relationship right now. It just hurts too much

    1. It hurts too much for me to be in a relationship although it has been quite some time. It hurts just as much to know that perhaps I will never find a love. There is just too much wrong for any person to handle. At times I can’t even tolerate myself so how can I expect someone else to. Having non epiletic seizures and bipolar just don’t encourage anyone to stay

      1. I feel exactly the same. I was just now thinking as I walked in to work, I wish I had someone to say good morning to, someone to tell me ‘have a good day’. But then I think of everything inbetween and wonder, is it really worth it? The pain, then the abandonment. And yes, I can barely deal with myself, then throw someone else in the mix and I’m totally out of my depth. I try to tell myself single is what I want, but it’s days like this that I need a lot of convincing 😉

      2. It is good to know I am not the only one who feels this way. Sometimes I just want someone to come home to and just relax with and sometimes I want someone to come home to me . He will want and try to understand not only my mental illness but my conversion disorder as well. Most of the time when one or the other or both is working against me, I begin to believe I will forever be alone and while that may be true, it is never comforting because that longing for someone is always there. Even just to say goodnight.

      3. I totally relate. Completely. You’re not alone in this pain. I too long for, crave the company and companionship of another. That’s why I love blogging. There’s always someone to say hello to. Hang tight. We’ll both keep moving forward and who knows what may be waiting for us around the bend…..

      4. So am I. It makes a great deal of difference knowing I am not alone in the things we face as people who are not bipolar but live with bipolar.

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