There are days I long for someone understanding of my bipolar, to find me and love.
Most days I am sure that there is no one who is willing to deal with or love me as a person with the ups and downs that come with the day to day uncertainly of bipolar mood swings.
I tried it once and it did not work out for many reasons. Yet I feel that I have to a lot to offer in spite of my mental illness. The symptoms of the illness may be stable for a while and then decide to show up. The symptoms are what happens but do not define me or what I have to offer someone.
Just because my love is there when things are fine, will he still be there when I go from one end of the roller coaster to the next.
Will he grow tired of riding it out with me? Will he have enough and regret his relationship with me. Will he stay with me being unhappy and ruining any chance of happiness with someone.
I want love to be in a lover’s arm and feel secure that they will love me enough to be strong to ride the waves for me. I think that is too much to hope. If they stay, they may ruin their life. If they go, it may feel like my life is ruined. I don’t want to find love only to have it leave in order to not ruin their life and find someone new.
The illustration says it all except more accurately my statement is:
I live with bipolar and want to someone to love and love me. I am afraid for love to find me because I feel somewhere between the highs of mania and the lows of depression, I am afraid to give and receive love because I do not want to ruin their life.
Life is a gift and I try to treasure the present day as a such. Yet, there are times when I long to be connected to someone who will not be afraid to stay no matter what end of the spectrum I am at because they will know we can make it together as long as we realize there is no guarantee mania and depression will return.
Because he loves me and wants to only be with me, he will be beside during the highs and loves and be certain that no matter, I love and treasure him.
He take time to learn not only about the illness but how to help me through episodes, sometimes just being there and not saying a word. Reassuring me of their love and not staying will not ruin their love but will make our love grow and our bond stronger.
I want to love, but will loving me cause him to one day feel like loving and being with me is ruining his life?
Time will tell, if I take the chance and accept love when it finds me