Sometimes I shake my heart

and scream at it, what is wrong with you.

Is there something in my looks, that tell a person, I am messed up before we even talk.

Does my careful actions say, I am trying to hard.

Am I being so careful, it shows I am hiding something and refusing to reveal this secret.

I shake my heart because it has had to many, ” I  like you but: our time to get together will come.  (what is wrong with now or tomorrow if you need more time” and “we will talk about it”, when you damn well know, there is no opportunity to see or talk to you.  Sounds like in you mind it is a delicate way to let me down.  Don’t be delicate.  Just let me down.

I would rather know the truth now than after wading through a cesspool of lies.

If you do not like my looks, if average is not good enough for you, if you know we will never talk, then why lie.

Say what you need to say and don’t worry about how I will take it, that is only to make you feel better, does it really make you feel better that  if you told  the truth?  I hope that lie haunts you.  Do I sound bitter?  Hell, yes I am.  Tired of the king of fizz instead of the cool fresh pop.

As a people with  mental illness, we are lied to, tolerated and very much misjudged.  Why should the love factor be added to all the other bull.  Tell one thing straight out.  Must we be lied to about just about everything unless,  YOU can readily admit you are the one with the problem and damn you don’t even take medication.

Halt, stop, take a break, back it up, back it up and you let it marinate.

Maybe you should be the one taking the medicine and shaking your heart because you let a damn good person get away.

And one more thing, mental illness does not define who we are no more than having cancer, kidney disease or a broken foot that will never heal.  These do not define who we are,  they are just things happening in our mortal bodies.

 

Think about what you are doing as you find yourself walking away, lying to or ignoring the person who may be the best thing that ever happened to you.

While you stood there flattering yourself thinking you are a nice pop but really you are a fizzle, thinking you are a crisp bag of chips when you are only a stale bag of chips, left over from someone who realized what you had but is now there’s.

Better take yourself off your own throne and say, maybe I need some medication, I just let the best thing every happen to me walk away.  Then it will be you,  shaking your heart and screaming,  What is wrong with you.

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Why don’t they see my illness?

When family and friends talk to me or about me, they keep referring to the past.  They actually expect me to be the same.

You used to be ambitious.

You used to want to start a business.

How come you were able to raise a family if you had a mental illness?

You used to be able to work.  Why can’t you work now.

On and on

Many of them do not accept that you can have an undiagnosed illness, mental or physical and function as what they call  “normal”.

By the way, who defines what normal is anyway. Who says that our brain is well and everyone who does not have a mental illness is the one with the sick brain.  I am not being funny, but who determines normal is the same to me as who determines “success”.

I had a conversation with someone and they admitted they did not see me as a person with a mental illness.  They viewed me as the way,  I was before my diagnosis.

A friend of mine answered the questions with one short sentence:

” You were on automatic pilot”

Looking back I now realize the symptoms were always there, even as a teenager.  There were bouts of depression, suicidal thoughts, decreased need for sleep and RAGE

Again, who determines normal?

They do not realize I am still ambitious, but as an advocate for mental illness, drug and alcohol abuse.

I still want to start a business: a safe haven giving people the tools to minimize relapse.

If they would accept that I have a mental illness, they would realize that the sickness was always there but we never suspected anything like a mental illness.

The final example: I had cancer at age 20.  It was there long before I was diagnosed.  Just because it had not been diagnosed, does that mean it was not there?

 

 

 

Went to far

So it seems as though my last post “Can We Talk” went a little too far.  It appears that I am probably the only one with this problem.

I apologize for those of you who may have found this topic offensive.

On another note.  I am struggling to figure out what actions are bipolar and what actions are just my personality.  Sometimes the lines get blurred.

One of my children says I am outspoken and I am.  I know that is my personality. Being outspoken can be a good thing when you an advocate for yourself or others.  Your voice is the one that fights not only for your rights but the rights of others who have not yet found their voice.  Some are too shy and never will.  That is when being outspoken is a good thing.

On the other hand, it can produce negative results or cause one to be offended, such as the last post.  It can also destroy relationships whether we mean to or not.

I have learned that every thought we have is not for us to say out loud.  This takes great discipline because it causes us to pause and think for a moment the possible consequences that thought might cause.

Even though the lines become blurred at times, there are some signs when I know it is me such as laughing.  When I am me or not heading for or in mania, I laugh at normal things that are funny.  When manic, things are just plain funny, whether others think so or not.  At times I just sit and start laughing.  I have heard people say, “She is in her own world” and I am.  No one knows what I am laughing about and everything is funny to me.

Being outspoken takes a little more thought.  When in a group, I tend to say what I am thinking whether I agree or not.  I say it with an example so everyone understands and most everyone agrees.  It is just that some people are shy but when someone else expresses what they are thinking it brings out what they want to say.  That I know is my personality.  When I just start saying random things and do not care about others feelings on the subject, I know it is not me.  Being insensitive and hard on people is not me.  People do not complain about this.  They just think I am having a normal bad day, but I know the difference and those who know my illness know it is not me.  I am generally a happy person and life is as the character Forest Gump says,” life is like a box of chocolates. you never know what you’re gonna get”

The last part is when I am irritable.  If I can figure out why, then most of the time it is me.  However there are times when I cannot tell if it is me or the bipolar because I may not be able to figure out the cause.  It can be something or someone triggered me.  It can lead to self harm.  Am I self harming as a result of being irritable or am I self harming because I feel misunderstood.  I know it is two in one, being irritable and self harming.

Finally, I truly believe out of all my diagnosis that are current and the ones I am waiting for a report, mental illness is truly a BITCH.  It does what it wants, when it wants.  It is a daily fight.  So is having cancer ( I am a two time cancer survivor. These statements apply to what I have experienced and how I feel). However, if cancer is caught early enough, most times, something can be done to treat it whether surgical or some other form of treatment.

Mental illness cannot be cured. Time and different techniques have been tried and failed.  Hopefully many of us are getting treatment and following our wellness plan.  The sick part of our brain cannot be operated on to make it better.  There is no treatment to make it go away.

The only treatment that works for me is compliance with going to psychotherapy and taking my medications as instructed.  Honestly, sometimes I fail at both.  Yet, because I know it is a matter of giving up and losing my life or fighting and living,  I choose to get back on my regimen and live as long as I can.

I do hope this is a better post that more people can relate to.  I do realize that many of the issues I have are are not experienced by everyone or even a majority of people with  mental illness.  Those who do experience it, may not be willing to share.  It is a personal thing.

I share, my experiences, good, bad and not so good in hopes it will help someone to understand they are not alone and it is nothing wrong that they did, it is the illness.

One thing I hope we all agree on:  at times, our mental illness has a way of ruling what we think, our actions based on what we think, what we perceive as real, even though it may not be real.  It is not our fault.  It is one of many characteristics or symptoms of mental illness.

love to all,

hope this helps someone whether they comment or not.

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Peace within

 

Great News

Last week I received a phone call at night from my pulmonary Dr., it was not a good call.

Because of the blood in the fluid they drew from around my lung, there was a chance I had cancer again.

When I first hung up the phone and called my mom to tell her I felt fine.  Then for some reason I broke down and started crying.

Friday, he was supposed to call me back after the full pathology report came back and when he did not I started to worry.

Saturday morning I was a wreck.  Anxiety was high and even with the anxiety medication it took a while for me to calm down just to get dressed.

My legs and hands were shaking.  For the first time, I believed that it could be cancer even though I was confident before that it was not.  I don’t know the reason for the sudden change.

A really good friend arranged to take me some place on Saturday to keep my mind off things.  it worked.  I  had a great time and did not think about it.

Yesterday and today I was not worried about it.  In my heart I just knew I did not have cancer.

The doctor finally called today and told me the good news.  It is not cancer.

What if I went through went the :”It would be so easy to ….?  What if?

I praise God for not going through with it, for the thought that immediately came “You have dreams to live out”  That thought and the inside joy got me through the weekend with the help of my friend.

love to all

pb: Persistently and passionately pursuing my dream(s) and making them become a reality one by one.