Sometimes I shake my heart

and scream at it, what is wrong with you.

Is there something in my looks, that tell a person, I am messed up before we even talk.

Does my careful actions say, I am trying to hard.

Am I being so careful, it shows I am hiding something and refusing to reveal this secret.

I shake my heart because it has had to many, ” I  like you but: our time to get together will come.  (what is wrong with now or tomorrow if you need more time” and “we will talk about it”, when you damn well know, there is no opportunity to see or talk to you.  Sounds like in you mind it is a delicate way to let me down.  Don’t be delicate.  Just let me down.

I would rather know the truth now than after wading through a cesspool of lies.

If you do not like my looks, if average is not good enough for you, if you know we will never talk, then why lie.

Say what you need to say and don’t worry about how I will take it, that is only to make you feel better, does it really make you feel better that  if you told  the truth?  I hope that lie haunts you.  Do I sound bitter?  Hell, yes I am.  Tired of the king of fizz instead of the cool fresh pop.

As a people with  mental illness, we are lied to, tolerated and very much misjudged.  Why should the love factor be added to all the other bull.  Tell one thing straight out.  Must we be lied to about just about everything unless,  YOU can readily admit you are the one with the problem and damn you don’t even take medication.

Halt, stop, take a break, back it up, back it up and you let it marinate.

Maybe you should be the one taking the medicine and shaking your heart because you let a damn good person get away.

And one more thing, mental illness does not define who we are no more than having cancer, kidney disease or a broken foot that will never heal.  These do not define who we are,  they are just things happening in our mortal bodies.

 

Think about what you are doing as you find yourself walking away, lying to or ignoring the person who may be the best thing that ever happened to you.

While you stood there flattering yourself thinking you are a nice pop but really you are a fizzle, thinking you are a crisp bag of chips when you are only a stale bag of chips, left over from someone who realized what you had but is now there’s.

Better take yourself off your own throne and say, maybe I need some medication, I just let the best thing every happen to me walk away.  Then it will be you,  shaking your heart and screaming,  What is wrong with you.

Queen of me

I finally realized after talking with a friend that I am an amazing woman, with amazing goals.  I know I can reach these goals.

Getting back into them ,will hopefully keep my mind off the other guy.

There are so many projects if I just keep my mind on them

I will not promise myself again that I will not make the first move, which is usually what I do when hyper-sexual.  I have no time for you to wait to move.  I take things into my own hands.

A couple of times I felt crappy months later when I realized the impulsive things I had done.  You cannot force something that is not there.

Which do you think I should say and expect from him

There is not really anything.  No magic , nothing that pulls me toward him.

Some could say, let him know we can only be friends.  I really don’t see this going anywhere else.  I hate to tell him I am not really attracted to him.  He kept saying he was coming to help me move some furniture.  He never showed up, nor did he give me the curt icy  of a phone call.  That is really a big pet peeve of mine, not  changing plans but no notice.

Just let him know we can only be friends.

or just walk away ad say nothing.

What do yo think I should do?

Should I keep seeing him as a fiend, maybe in time my feelings or lack of will begin to grown of him.

 

 

I can make it on my own….

One of my favorite songs is by Patti La belle: It’s a new day”

I am going to print the lyrics and put them in my car and on my mirror and yes, even the door to the garage.

Everyday is a new day even though the bipolar is there and I don’t know how I will be that day.  Will I function well, be manic, depressed, have mixed episodes.  I don’t know and I am not silly enough to even try to think ahead and figure it out.  I just know that it is a new day and anything and everything good, bad and not so good can happen, but life is never boring.

One line of the song says,” I decided long ago, I can make it on my own.  Gonna be alright, gonna be alright, yeah”.

Today I realized how true that is.  I remembered that 10 years ago before I moved out of our marital home, I said to myself, I am going to be alright.  I can make it on my own.

Mary J Blige,” I can do bad all by myself”.  So, if I can do bad by myself, I damn sure can do good all by myself.

I have to be able to be alright and do good by myself before someone comes along.  He needs to see, damn she has what??? and has it together.  She is a fighter every day to live on her own terms despite the terms the bipolar sets for her.  I admire her spirit and tenacity and how she advocates for herself and others.  What an amazing woman.  I can love her through the ups and downs.  I may not know what to say at times, but I believe just being there for her without judgement, knowing it is her illness, will greatly help keep us together.

If no one comes along for a loving relationship, I am still gonna be alright.  Life is good whatever state of mind I am in because I was depressed, manic, suicidal,  had mixed episodes and rage.  I lost some relationships along the way, that will never be repaired.  I have had to accept that some people in my family do not understand, but it is what it is.  It is a sick part of my brain.  I am happy to know that it does not last forever.

I am reminded of a scripture in the bible says, God will put no more on us than we can bare.  Well, that has been true in the past and I have to keep holding on to that when I wonder how will I get through this because I am not only gonna be alright, even in the midst of chaos, I am alright because even though it does not feel like it at the moment, this depression or mania will pass.

 

 

A little lost

At one point I felt I was on a good path to doing some good things in my life to help other people.

Lately, I feel as though I am just walking in circles.  I have no idea what I am doing.

I feel as though my head is in a fog.  I have no idea what type of work to look for and that makes me a little sad.

I want to just pick up and leave everything I have and get in my car and drive until I reach a place that feels like home.

I need to feel the sun on my face everyday.

I want to see the ocean from the window of the beach house

I see myself walking along the edge where the water just touches the sand and the sandy golden retriever is right by my side.

I see myself in a white free flowing dress and big white hat, dancing on the beach while there is no one around.

At the end of the day, I see my few friends and I sitting around a fire, laughing, listening to music and dancing with the flame of the fire.

I see nothing beyond these things and that makes me feel lost because in reality, I cannot see any of these things.  I do not know how to make them happy.

Right now I am in limbo.  I still say, Life is Totally Awesome and it is.

For me though, there is something missing.

Do you ever feel like there is something spectacular missing in your life?

I know these dreams are not because of my mental illness, but yet I do not know where they come from.  Some of them have always been there.  These dreams are so vivid, I can almost touch the sand or pet the dog.

I long to be someone other than here.  Here in the state i live.  Here, other than in the state of mind of limbo I find myself in.  I am not manic, therefore I am not creative enough to think of how to make these things happen when there are no visible resources.

I am not depressed so I am not feeling hopeless like they will never happen.

Just in limbo.  Mental limbo.  This is what I envision, this is what is real, yet these dreams seem so out of reach.

confused??? so am I. 🙂

Danger, Danger!!

This was initially handwritten to share with you on 12/17/15

As I sit here, I am attempting as clearly as possible to share what could have easily been a last moment for me.

In a split second my life could  be gone with a minuscule thought and I would have been a memory to some, a vapor to others and not even a thought to more people.

As I took up the bottle of prescribed medication, an instant thought occurred:” It would be so easy to pour the whole bottle of pills into my hand and take them as one big pill,so easy”.

Immediately the thought was replaced with “You still  have dreams to live out”

I took the pill as prescribed and put the bottle down.

I was still upset over bad news but I was glad I did not act impulsively on that thought that took one brief moment to formulate in my mind, heart and emotions.

I would not want my legacy to end with “Her life had value to others but none to herself”

Wow- what a powerful statement, my thoughts say as I read that statement to myself.

My greatest desire is to touch the lives of others whether it was because I gave a warm smile, a loving hug, a word of encouragement or just made you laugh by being silly when I could not get you to smile even for a moment.  Touching someone’s life in a positive, uplifting moment, no matter how brief the encounter, is what gives my life purpose and great pleasure.  It is what makes me, simply me.

That desire and thankfulness to God for the gift of life everyday is what gives me passion for life. It is that passion that is so powerful that it can override thoughts to quickly and forever end emotional and physical pain.  It can end the pain of knowledge of physical illness and having a mental illness, a mental illness that can at any moment cause major relationship destruction, depression or put my life in danger.

That moment of “It would be so easy to…” is a dangerous moment many if not all of us have come face to face with.

I need, you need, we all need, with and without a mental illness, to remember: not only is each day a gift, but each moment.

Live each moment that you can with gusto, with passion, with an inside joy so strong it will help you get through those “How easy it would be…” times.

I have a small plaque on my desk that reads: Don’t dream your life, live your dream.

I promise to live every moment of everyday of wellness spending time moving toward living my dream(s).

Remember, I love all of you.  You are part of me, a part that makes me feel safe when mental illness tries to make me feel worthless and that no one cares.

You make me feel safe to share my fears without judgement or ridicule.

You encourage me, lift me and give me added strength to never give up.

Thank you from my heart.

Be good to you.  Don’t dream your life, live your dream every moment of everyday of wellness.  This will get you through the “It would be so easy to…” times because you will remember you have dreams to live and do not have time to take your life.

Love to all

pb: Positively and passionately pursuing my dream.  Promising to live each wellness day with inside joy to get through those  “It would be so easy to…” moments of stinking thinking.