Need opinion, especially from men

part 2:  more curious questions, need more answers from both men and women.

Do men think about experiences beyond the car?

Are you offended when the woman takes the lead, even though you enjoy it?

Women, did you want him to stay for a minute, rather than get right up, put clothes on and leave.

Women: are your emotions tied to that experience that was only meant to be one time.  You both knew it would be a one time thing but did your emotions get the best of you and you just wanted to know if the dynamics of the tenant, maintenance person now turn into friends or at the least acquaintances.

Let me know how you feel about this experience.  Let me know if this blog sounded more like ramblings or was it written in a manner that you know where I am coming from?

For the last few months, I tried to forget about it.  It would pop into my head for no reason.  I did not know what the hell was going on, other than being annoyed that I could not get this out of the room in my mind that I put him in.

When I was done feeling angry and hurt that he had not for one minute thought about I was super hurt.  But a friend reminded me of something I said to her:

don’t give him a room in your head.  He is not worth it.

I made up my mind to kick him out of the room of my brain that I had kept him in.  No, he was not worth being on my mind for whatever reason.  I need that space for someone who wants to be in a relationship with me.

Finally, the song TKO came to my mind.  Most of you are probably too young to have heard it.  Teddy Pendergrass sang it.   Looks like another tko.  Gotta let it go.

Oh yes.  Thank you teddy, this was just one more person I had created a make believe relationship that included my jealous actions.  But being another person makes it a TKO and I needed to let it go.  It was so easy hearing that song remind me of the reality of the situation.  I still don’t know the dynamics and finally it is not important to  me.

Well, that is all there is.

 

 

Crying for no reason or because

Sometimes a thought will flicker in my mind just for a moment, but that moment seems like the thought has been there for a while.

It grips me for whatever reason I do not understand and I begin to cry.  The tears roll, my eyes are red and my nose will  not stop running.  My face is such that I cannot hide it.

Sometimes there seems there is no reason or rationality.  Maybe at that moment I was laughing about something or enjoying an activity.  Then I feel the pain in my heart.  Not a pain that medicine or the doctor can fix: it is the pain of crying welling up on the inside beginning to make its’ way out.

It only takes a moment to feel this way before I know the dam will break.

That seems to be crying for no reason and I think that is part of the bipolar, the sad leading into depression part if we are not aware of our pattern of this.

Sometimes, someone can say something to me and for no reason it has a negative effect even though it was not their intention to make me feel that way.  Nevertheless, I feel as if I have done something wrong or just feel like crying for no reason.  They never said anything cruel.

I think what is might be is that they are saying I do not ask for help with financial things because of pride or whatever the reason.  They are making assumptions and I do not feel capable of defending myself at the time. There words are coming at me so fast and my thinking of a response comes very slow.    I believe they are basing their reaction to my tears because they feel I am weak or overly sensitive.

I try to explain it is not anything that was said.  It is important for me to try to do things for myself and that I do not want to ask anyone out of the mental health family to help me. We understand or try to .  I believe we help each other sometimes by sharing and sometimes just by being there and letting them know we understand.

So my question is, when there is no apparent reason for me to cry is that the bipolar or me being sensitive to nothing.

or

Am I crying because someone has misjudged me and I  believe there is no explaining so they understand.

Why am I crying?  Does this happen to anyone else and do you feel it is part of our illness or  no.

 

My head says one thing….

Reality says another.

This only happens when I am manic or in the middle of both ends of the bipolar pole. In other words, I believe I am on a roller coaster ride when there is no roller coaster where I am.

This may not be a good analogy so let me explain what I mean.

When I meet someone of the opposite sex that is nice to me,  I tend to form a relationship in my head that does not exist.

My thoughts and actions toward this person are what you would expect from someone that you are in a serious relationship with.  This person might not even be a friend but an acquaintance.

To be more specific:  there is a person that hugs me whenever they come to my home.  I don’t see them very often and sometimes not for months.  But because they embrace me, make me laugh and have a warm personality, there are questions that burn in me that I know I do not have a legitimate right to ask.

We are not in a relationship so it really is not my business what this person does in their personal life.  That is the reality.

In my illogical thinking we are in a relationship and I want to know what that person is  doing in their time when they are not working.

In the beginning, I ask do  you have a significant other in your life.  I ask because I do not want to be infringing on someone else’s love.  They tell me no.

At first I believe them because I am thinking rationally.

Once mania hits, rationality goes out and irrational thinking is where I live in my mind.

My behavior becomes that of a cheated on woman.  I cry about their disloyalty because I think they are sneaking away on the weekend to be with someone else.  I send crazy texts like “you lied to me  I thought you said you said you were not involved with anyone”.

There is a battle in my mind.  Reality vs. unreality . Thoughts to questions that do not apply, such as why are they ignoring my text messages become an obsession.

The reality is that they never call me or text me, only in my mind.  But it is an existing relationship to me.

I cry as though I have been cast to the side, lied to or rejected.

Reality comes back and I now have to clean up a mess.

Unfortunately, that is the only thing that is real.  I have to clean up a relationship mess, even with acquaintances who bring something special to me: a hug, good conversation, a listening hear and encouragement.

As always, bipolar is a stubborn BITCH, that will not go away.

 

Quick change of mind

I realize that I am just starting to get manic.  I googled Plenty of Fish and there in big letters was the story of a woman raped by a guy from POF.

Normally, things like this can and do happen in all dating sites, would be my logic and I would proceed to activate an account.

Being between mainstream and manic, I do realize there are potentially dangerous situations that can happen whether you met someone from a dating site or not.

As much as I want and need human touch, at this moment that is not a risk I am willing to take.  I hope this logical thinking stays with me throughout this ordeal.  Thoughts usually flip for me when manic.  Logic is now illogical and illogical is now logical, hence, no negative consequences, only a good time.

I usually do not even realize when I am going into mania, until it is too late.  I am already there.

Now my mind thinks, maybe I should go back and try to find one of the other ones I was already dealing with, NO thanks.

Get some type of hobby, what I don’t know.  Something that will keep my mind in check and my body will follow suit and stay in the safety zone.

Do they really,truly, honestly understand……

Have you ever tried to explain the rage of mania or the black hole of depression to family members or friends?

 

My personal philosophy is that if you have not lived it yourself, you don’t understand. You cannot possibly understand all the emotions I feel when the symptoms of mania and mania itself comes front and center.  No one can understand the black hole of depression if they have not been there.

One day when stinking thinking was very strong, I asked my friend some questions that indicated I was unsure if we were still friends because of an incident that did not involve me, but I was around when it happened.  Earlier that day we had a discussion about some things and he took it as a personal attack and it was not intended that way.

Stinking thinking said its all your fault.  See they did not call to let you know they were home, they are ignoring your text messages.  They do not want to be friends with you, etc.

I shared my concerns with my friend who assured me there was no problem.  I told what I had been thinking and that it was part of my illness to blame myself for everything.  Their comment was something to the effect of , “I know and I am trying to make allowances for that”

Are you serious, I wanted to ask.  You live with a mental illness as well.  What about the times I make allowances for you, when you need to talk or yell at someone or I try to help ease the pain of suffering.  What about the allowances I make when I feel like you are putting people down when they are down.  You don’t mean to but that is how it comes across and yet I am still there to be your friend.  If this person with a mental illness cannot understand the rage of mania, the irrational thinking and everything else that goes with having bipolar, how can we believe others understand.

Maybe some do, but it is my belief that most don’t.

It would not be the first time I was wrong and most definitely not the last.

This comment annoyed me because this person suffers with depression.  Isn’t that also a sick brain like people with bipolar or any other type of mental illness?

I give the people in our life credit for trying to understand, nevertheless, I think people need to take a step back and look inside their mind and they will realize they really don’t understand.  People can see what we do and hear what we say, but they do not understand how our mind is working at that moment.  I don’t even understand except I do know how it feels.  I am not mean on purpose, nor do I go to rage at the speed of 0 to 100 twice as fast as you.  It is the illness.  I don’t mean to be irritable, uncooperative and stayed in the bed, not get dressed and do not want the blinds open.  I just want to be left alone, to deal with my pain.  The pain in my mind and the pain in my body.

I compare their level of understanding to a woman who just had a baby.  She can tell her friends what it is like to carry a baby, go into labor and to deliver the baby.  Her friends will never understand what those experiences feel like until the same happens to them.

They can see the symptoms, but they cannot figure out the why.  It is too complex.  I don’t even fully understand it.  But it is enough for me to know, simply, my brain is sick.

No one can understand the indescribable pain in the pit of the stomach when depression.  It is a pain that I have never experienced before and only when major depression stays for a while.

Let me just say, when in labor there is a lot of pain.  The difference is that you know as soon as that baby comes through and enters this world, the pain soon goes away.

There is no time frame for our pain to end.  It could in days, months and I know who have been in pain for years.

I guess I took the long way to say, do they really, truly, honestly understand our illness?

 

Be good to you and remember that you are a beautiful, unique and wonderful person.  No matter how many people have bipolar, none of us are the same.

love to all

Passionately with peace, seeking to be a positive person for myself and for others.

No regrets

I was thinking this morning how thankful I am to God for where I am in life right now and I realized I have no regrets.

There were times I was in some dark places and I have done things I am certainly not proud of, however, all those experiences contribute to the person I am today.

If I spent my time regretting my life and decisions I’ve made, I would not be able to move forward and that would be a shame.

I believe the experiences we go through and come through in life shape who we become.

You cannot teach a person to be compassionate, understanding of others’, have empathy or do things from the heart.  These are traits one is usually born with or develop as a result of being put in a position of non favor and having to overcome ridicule/ negative comments or behaviors from others.

Living with a mental illness or recovering from drug/ alcohol addiction are examples of life experiences that can potentially help develop these traits.

Had it not been for some experiences in my life from a young child, I doubt I would be thinking about a career that would allow me to help encourage others to reach their goals.  I would not be effective at relating to people in various life situations.  I would have nothing to share.  I would not have a story to tell showing people hope.

Without those humbling experiences I would not be able to show compassion, empathy, be nonjudgmental regarding a person’s situation or even know the importance of really listening.

These are all reasons why I have no regrets.

love to all,

pb: Positively and Persistently Pursuing my dream to be a Peer Support Person.

Everyone needs someone to walk with them sometime.