Need opinion, especially from men

part 2:  more curious questions, need more answers from both men and women.

Do men think about experiences beyond the car?

Are you offended when the woman takes the lead, even though you enjoy it?

Women, did you want him to stay for a minute, rather than get right up, put clothes on and leave.

Women: are your emotions tied to that experience that was only meant to be one time.  You both knew it would be a one time thing but did your emotions get the best of you and you just wanted to know if the dynamics of the tenant, maintenance person now turn into friends or at the least acquaintances.

Let me know how you feel about this experience.  Let me know if this blog sounded more like ramblings or was it written in a manner that you know where I am coming from?

For the last few months, I tried to forget about it.  It would pop into my head for no reason.  I did not know what the hell was going on, other than being annoyed that I could not get this out of the room in my mind that I put him in.

When I was done feeling angry and hurt that he had not for one minute thought about I was super hurt.  But a friend reminded me of something I said to her:

don’t give him a room in your head.  He is not worth it.

I made up my mind to kick him out of the room of my brain that I had kept him in.  No, he was not worth being on my mind for whatever reason.  I need that space for someone who wants to be in a relationship with me.

Finally, the song TKO came to my mind.  Most of you are probably too young to have heard it.  Teddy Pendergrass sang it.   Looks like another tko.  Gotta let it go.

Oh yes.  Thank you teddy, this was just one more person I had created a make believe relationship that included my jealous actions.  But being another person makes it a TKO and I needed to let it go.  It was so easy hearing that song remind me of the reality of the situation.  I still don’t know the dynamics and finally it is not important to  me.

Well, that is all there is.

 

 

Need opinion, especially from men

 

Women you are more than welcome to comment.  I would love to hear your answers if you have had a similar experience.

I was hyper-sexual during my manic episode (what else is new).  This time I fixated on the maintenance guy.

His kind spirit, raspy voice and goatee, made him very handsome and  irresistible.  I wanted him to notice me as more than a tenant.  I know he could not because of his job.

Still, I wanted to share myself and he share himself.  (I think you know what I mean)

With all the flirting back and forth, it was only a matter of time before something climatic would happen and when it did, I was the leader and he was the prisoner.  I could do whatever I wanted and I did.

Months later I realized I was manic when all this was going on.  I would send him insane text messages letting him know I wanted him.  (how sad that I did this)  The thing about sending scheduled text messages is that you never know when you said too much.  Oh boy.

I definitely said too much.  Poured out my heart.  Damn it.  It was unnecessary and embarrassing when I crashed from mania and realized I must have seemed very immature or just a horny tenant.

It left me feeling great and annoyed with myself  at the same time.

The sadness and annoyance I feel is that I was upset because I believe men do not think about sexual climaxes after much flirting.  They enjoy the chase and the capture and when all is done, that’s it.  It is only a brief memory, never to enter their thoughts again.

“Is that really how it is.  You flirt with her and things build and build until there has to be a climatic ending?”.

“Do you put your clothes on and say thank you and leave?  Is this a hit it and quit it?

How long will you remember that one and only sexual encounter?

Does it last beyond the minute it takes you to get out the door and poof, you forget about it.

Part 1

 

 

Queen of me

I finally realized after talking with a friend that I am an amazing woman, with amazing goals.  I know I can reach these goals.

Getting back into them ,will hopefully keep my mind off the other guy.

There are so many projects if I just keep my mind on them

I will not promise myself again that I will not make the first move, which is usually what I do when hyper-sexual.  I have no time for you to wait to move.  I take things into my own hands.

A couple of times I felt crappy months later when I realized the impulsive things I had done.  You cannot force something that is not there.

Which do you think I should say and expect from him

There is not really anything.  No magic , nothing that pulls me toward him.

Some could say, let him know we can only be friends.  I really don’t see this going anywhere else.  I hate to tell him I am not really attracted to him.  He kept saying he was coming to help me move some furniture.  He never showed up, nor did he give me the curt icy  of a phone call.  That is really a big pet peeve of mine, not  changing plans but no notice.

Just let him know we can only be friends.

or just walk away ad say nothing.

What do yo think I should do?

Should I keep seeing him as a fiend, maybe in time my feelings or lack of will begin to grown of him.

 

 

Quick change of mind

I realize that I am just starting to get manic.  I googled Plenty of Fish and there in big letters was the story of a woman raped by a guy from POF.

Normally, things like this can and do happen in all dating sites, would be my logic and I would proceed to activate an account.

Being between mainstream and manic, I do realize there are potentially dangerous situations that can happen whether you met someone from a dating site or not.

As much as I want and need human touch, at this moment that is not a risk I am willing to take.  I hope this logical thinking stays with me throughout this ordeal.  Thoughts usually flip for me when manic.  Logic is now illogical and illogical is now logical, hence, no negative consequences, only a good time.

I usually do not even realize when I am going into mania, until it is too late.  I am already there.

Now my mind thinks, maybe I should go back and try to find one of the other ones I was already dealing with, NO thanks.

Get some type of hobby, what I don’t know.  Something that will keep my mind in check and my body will follow suit and stay in the safety zone.

Frankly speaking..

Apologies ahead of time for anyone who gets offended.  It is not my intent but I really need to talk about this.

Yes, it is back to being hyper-sexual.  I don’t know if it is an obsession or addiction but I am not used to being turned down, not once but twice by the same person.

I thought there was one person who could be there for me whenever the need arose.  You know, friends with benefits.

We really are not even friends, just acquaintances.  He is so closed about everything, I don’t know much about him.

I tried to get him to my house alone twice and he could not make it either time.   No explanation, just, I can’t

Now that I feel rejected and somewhat ashamed, my attitude is fuck him, but not really.  I don’t know why not. He seems to be in it for a moment and then he has to get back to work, if you are really wanting to get busy, why not come back.  Maybe there is something I should but do not know.

Now that the beast has rose it’s ugly head again.  I find myself wanting him even more to the point where I said, btw, x times annually I get hyper-sexual.  Minutes later, I apologized because that comment was not necessary. Have a good weekend and I will see one or both (his partner) if anything else goes wrong with the unit.

For me, there will be no more flirting with him.  Now I am going back to Plenty of Fish.  Yes, it is the pickup cesspool but maybe this time if I keep my mouth shut and do more talking, maybe I will make a real friend (yeah, right), impossible things have been known to happen.

What will or will not happen.  This is what I know is my reality:

There is no chance I will find someone to love me, bipolar and all to stay there for the long haul.  I have not had a chance to tell this man that I am bipolar so he probably doesn’t even get it.

As saddening as that is, this is also my reality: I will be hyper-sexual and I will make sure my needs get met.  Hopefully one day, they will make a medicine that will work with my body and not against it.

I do not like living like this, but right now, I have no solutions and no shame.  Only questions that I need answers to.  How much longer do I have to wait for a solution and is there one that does not require more medication.

If by some strange chance we do get together, I hope it will be worth it.  Frankly though, I do not see it happening.

no judgements, comments accepted, good, bad and not so good.

 

Can we talk

0?????????????  about it ???????????????

The “M” word and the “H” word that goes with it,

at least it does for me.

The “M” being Mania.

The “H” being Hyper-sexual.

When I am manic, I get very hyper-sexual.   If I am not paying attention to my thoughts, by the time I realize what is happening, I am already in the danger zone: the uncontrollable, impulsive, exciting, zone that comes with mania.  My mania.

I cannot and dare not  say we all experience all the same feelings and behavior as everyone else with bipolar.

This I do know.  I am not alone in this risky behavior.  Although I do not know anyone else, I do know that there are others who go through this only later to be embarrassed by the deeds we did when in this state of mind.

Each time it comes around, I take more and more chances with no thought of consequences.  You see, everything that we once agreed were logical becomes illogical and senseless to me and that which I once thought was illogical now become logical to me.  Because my brain now tells me everything is reverse in my thinking, why would there be negative consequences?

Mania is as if my brain lifts and shifts to the front of the lobe where impulsiveness is now the ruler of my mind and my actions.

I came to the conclusion today that when my mind is focusing on something else for a period of time, I have no idea what is going on until I am inviting strangers to my house.  I am talking about men that I meet online.  Before I know it, it is another and another.  Always a different one.  I realize that this dating site is merely a pick up site and now it is a hunting ground for me.

Time would escape me and days were now weeks in my sick mind.  When I did not hear from the same man in a short period of time, I would get very irate and let him know it because he should have called sooner, my brain says.  Later, when no longer manic, I realize what I thought was weeks  were only days and months had only been weeks. It seemed as though i had lived  for months this way only to later realize it had not been that long at all.

I would get wasted at night because I had no new emails from the site thinking no one else was interested.   One night I was so wasted I sent a nasty text to this one guy (I did not know even remember what the text said when he called to confront me moments after I must have hit the send button.

I would go out of town to meet someone for the first time and not tell my family or friends where I was going.  I told one person the first time I left town.  I gave very little information and thought nothing of spending the night at a stranger’s house the first day we met.

When my brain shifts again and goes back to well, I am disgusted by my actions and vow to not repeat those actions.

I usually tell my therapist most of what goes on, but you never tell anyone everything.  You keep a little part of every story hidden from others, including yourself.

 The memories of the things I did come back at a later time and I am very upset and disgusted in the pit of my stomach with myself.  I know this is not the normal me.  I am not perfect but there are some things I normally would not do.

My therapist reminds me this is part of the illness.  I must try to remember it so I can try to self check my thoughts and movements a little better. Mostly, I try to remember it is part of the illness so that I do not get so disgusted with myself that I do not confront it.

Will I never experience hyper-sexuality again?  I honestly do not know.

I might not or it might continue as a seasonal sequel that takes a rest during certain months.

 

love to all and hopefully not judged

 

 

 

Is this normal or is it bipolar?

I was talking to a new friend I was interested in getting to know better.

We would have very long phone conversations and then he would start sharing some of his observations about me.

He kept saying, I (being me) don’t know what I want.  On just about every occasion he said this, I took offense.

Lately, having more time with my thoughts (I hate those moments), I realize he is right.

One minute I am destined to move to a certain state.  I begin to make preparations by looking for housing, jobs, vocational resources for people with disability, active housing for 55 plus, etc and then I do not want to move.  Decision made.  Right? I go back and forth with this for months only to make a decision at the last moment (usually end up not moving) and then I am up and down for the next 12 mos.

Another: I want a serious relationship (meet the love of my life and we are together till death do us part) or maybe a semi-serious relationship, we are exclusive but do not live together.  Maybe, I just want to date the same person, but nothing serious (whatever that really means).  I can’t decide what the hell I want.  Do I even want to be in a relationship or friends with benefits. What The Hell.  How hard should it be to figure that out.  What the hell am I doing on a dating site when I don’t know the answer.  I just kept changing what I am looking for.  Gee.  wonder why I don’t get any hits.

Sometimes I feel so lonely and alone that I truly believe having a significant other will make all the difference and then there are days when I am so restless I am at the Speedway gas station 3 or 4 am for coffee and I just know I cannot have a real relationship if this is what I am driven to do at times.  Driven.

Here’s another.  There are times when sex (remember I am very single and live very alone and no relationship- dammit) is needed a lot.  It’s not that I purposely think about it. My body just craves it.  It becomes almost like a drug.

Has anyone else or does anyone else experience this?  This is not a once in a lifetime thing.  It happens several times throughout the year.   I mean, one time I invited this guy to my home I only met once.  What the???? That is definitely not me.  One time I was going through so bad, I thought, wow, this dating site is a gold mine.  I can just pick someone off the site like going through the yellow pages and calling for a plumber.

Sometimes, I think I am really unbalanced mentally. But wait.  Isn’t that what mental illness is or is it not?

Most of the time confident in who I am, sometimes at very important times, not confident at all.  Stinking thinking wins the battle.  I am the most “un” person alive.

Is this the mental illness war?