Feel the fury…

 

My mom abandoned me by just taking off and not letting me know.  It is as if secretly she wanted to be away from me.  I still feel betrayed and out of her family loop with 2 sons.051a51fee844998612098296a8dfacdf8d4618-wm

Is she running away from me?  Why did’t I know.  This has been in the plan for a while.

My brother is very angry with me and believes there is no further need for communication

It was alright with me because it did wonders for mystress level.  It declined so well I was slowly getting better.

It is not like my mom to just get and leave the state without telling me.

I know this trip was a plan in the mking for her not to tell me.  I no longer trust her.  It is almost as thought she abandoned me.

Knowing that to her, my youngest brother can do no harm.

It is okay to others in the family that he will curse you like a dog and then be everything is okay.  Well, it is not okay to me.  I don’take it anymore so I texted it to him.

Text messages tell what you are thinging and saying but not your tone or facial expression.

She adores my brother and he can do no wrong as far as he is concerned.  Many see there relationship and tell me “you can’t say nothing  bad around her about your brother.  Everyone sees it except her.

Some of my family is good at lying, bullying, manipulation, favorites among siblings (mine), taking sides but saying they are not involved and  narcissisticism.

I hate the secrets and lies, but that is never going to change.  I hate people not telling me something  because they think they know me and how I am going to react to something.  They make the decision that I do not want to know or that I do not care about what is going on.

Bipolar disorder does not define who I am.  The signs and symtoms just tell you what is wrong in my life.  Why I behave a certain way.  Know bipolar and know me.  They just don’t want to take the time to do it.  They have no interest.  They would rather label me as too blunt, do not care about anyone’s feeling but my own.  These are misconceptions or the way they interprest me.  All they need to do is ask if I am manic if they do  not know the symptoms.    Don’t judge me and label me as insensitive, help me learn how to cope with this illness just as you would any other illness.  I need help with this too.

I feel alone and angry.  Angry at her for leaving or abandoning me.  I feel alone and angry that no one seems to want to be in my life as a companion.  I am angry and feel alone because sometimes all that feeling alone and angry, takes me to rage.  Rage makes me feel I have to isolate and I hate that.  I feel alone when I am alone and get angry at the world including me.

Maybe you think there is nothing wrong with my brain and I am just a mean, spiteful person with and around my family only.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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Is my mind sick or is it just me

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Mixed episode.  Sad, angry, no purpose in life, lonely.  No one cares

I am worthless, I need to stay away from people or they will judge me when I

don’t laugh or jest as I normally do.

Mixed episode manic side:  Natural high, but really high as some think I am doing drugs.

Speed talking and thinking so fast it is hard not to subject jump.

 

 

Dolphins In HawaiiEven keel.  Balanced.  Where I should be.  Everything illogical is not logical the right way. When manic the logical becomes the illogical and backwards.

I once asked my therapist how can I tell whether my actions were me or part of the bipolar.

I am still trying to figure that one out.

If I am extremely irritated and annoyed all the time when there does not seem to be a reason,

When I am mad at everyone but really no one.

When I am not in the mood to talk about my mental illness

When I rant and rave after having a blast on the top part of the roller coaster

When I lash out in anger or annoyance over things that usually only bug me

When I naturally stay up all night for 36 plus hours

When I am very productive and on a natural high

When I have to stay busy because of the adrenaline and can’t sleep or sit still,

I know it is the bipolar.  The manic side.

When I am angry when the other person is simply at annoyance

When, I say hurtful things or mess up relationships, I know it is not me.

 

I need the people in my life but mental illness puts a wedge between me and them. Relationships are destroyed.   I also suffer is what the other person does not understand.  I have destroyed a relationship because I was operating from the sick side of my brain.

I lash out in rage, but the other person is wondering what the hell is going on.  That person is  only at annoyance or reaching anger.

I try to explain that we will never be at the same emotion at the same time for the same situation.

When people see me go off verbally, ranting and raving, they just think I am mean and hurtful.  Not everyone in my life thinks this but most of them do.

Wondering causes me confusion and I contemplate not taking the medicine because in my thought process all this is me and I do not need the medicine. I guess I do not fully subscribe to that bit of logic because I have learned to stay on the medications, just because I know how I am without them and maybe, just maybe the therapist and the psychiatrist know what they are talking about.

Maybe I really do have a mental illness and my emotions are heightened because of it.

Maybe I really am a bitch, but I don’t think so.  Some people would rather believe that I am a bitch rather than that I have a mental illness.

To them I say, “deal with it or leave me alone”

Mania: some people with mental illness and some that do have mental illness but no bipolar,  never take into consideration how it is for me to change throughout the day: up and down like a see saw going from mania to depression (or on the way) .  This pattern repeats itself for hours and sometimes days.  I hate it because I can’t make any of it stop.

These are mixed episodes and like mania and depression I cannot control them.

I am being judged for my actions without an expert witness to testify for me.  To let them know that this is not the real me.

I agree to do things on the spur of the moment without thought for consequences and no one believes that.  It is believed I am the way I am because I simply choose to be so and then conveniently blame mania.

Again, to them, I say “learn of my illness and you will get to know me”

 

Does any of this sound familiar???:?

Sometimes I shake my heart

and scream at it, what is wrong with you.

Is there something in my looks, that tell a person, I am messed up before we even talk.

Does my careful actions say, I am trying to hard.

Am I being so careful, it shows I am hiding something and refusing to reveal this secret.

I shake my heart because it has had to many, ” I  like you but: our time to get together will come.  (what is wrong with now or tomorrow if you need more time” and “we will talk about it”, when you damn well know, there is no opportunity to see or talk to you.  Sounds like in you mind it is a delicate way to let me down.  Don’t be delicate.  Just let me down.

I would rather know the truth now than after wading through a cesspool of lies.

If you do not like my looks, if average is not good enough for you, if you know we will never talk, then why lie.

Say what you need to say and don’t worry about how I will take it, that is only to make you feel better, does it really make you feel better that  if you told  the truth?  I hope that lie haunts you.  Do I sound bitter?  Hell, yes I am.  Tired of the king of fizz instead of the cool fresh pop.

As a people with  mental illness, we are lied to, tolerated and very much misjudged.  Why should the love factor be added to all the other bull.  Tell one thing straight out.  Must we be lied to about just about everything unless,  YOU can readily admit you are the one with the problem and damn you don’t even take medication.

Halt, stop, take a break, back it up, back it up and you let it marinate.

Maybe you should be the one taking the medicine and shaking your heart because you let a damn good person get away.

And one more thing, mental illness does not define who we are no more than having cancer, kidney disease or a broken foot that will never heal.  These do not define who we are,  they are just things happening in our mortal bodies.

 

Think about what you are doing as you find yourself walking away, lying to or ignoring the person who may be the best thing that ever happened to you.

While you stood there flattering yourself thinking you are a nice pop but really you are a fizzle, thinking you are a crisp bag of chips when you are only a stale bag of chips, left over from someone who realized what you had but is now there’s.

Better take yourself off your own throne and say, maybe I need some medication, I just let the best thing every happen to me walk away.  Then it will be you,  shaking your heart and screaming,  What is wrong with you.

I just don’t know

Sometime i think bipolar is something made up.  I believe the only mental illness is schizophrenia.

Sometimes I can’t tell my personality from the illness.  I just don’t know.

When I am this thing called “manic”I do notice my level of irritability increase s.

It is at this time I just don’t know if it is me or the illness because I say and do things that are very unkind.  Normally, it upsets me when I hurt someones’ feelings.  This  causes, chaos, broken relationships and sometime irreparable relationships.

I think if family really took the time to learn about my illness and me as the individual I am I would not feel the need to run away and hide when mania gets out of control.  Maybe it would  not escalate to the level it does.  Maybe they would realize there are things you do not say to a person with a mental illness, no matter how innocent you think the statement is.

I just don’t know why we fight to get out from under stigma and the people that surround us are the main ones who make it impossible. Sometime they are our family, friends, and even other people with mental illness.  I just don’t understand.

I am not depressed but I am sad and I begin to cry everyday and cannot seem to stop.  I have no desire or use for food.  Why was I so mean.  What the hell is wrong with me.  Am I really a nice people person always trying to bring a ray of sunshine even but for a moment.  That moment may be something that the person holds onto and helps them when  things start going to the depths of depression.  That one moment may be the thing they hold onto to stay just above the surface of depression.

I just don’t know which is the real me, my real personality at the time.  I know it is becasue I am told this thing  called bipolar changes my mood.  Is it changing my mood or me?  I just don’t know.

 

 

 

 

 

The darkness in the light

I’m siiting alone in a sunny room yet it feels terrible dark.

I messed up a relationship that had just healed and was growing.

It was not intentional. No one ever sets out to intentionally hurt someone they care about.

Lately l cry alot.  I’m beginning to feel like there is no way out except a nap for many days, hoping that the pain and self anger will be gone when l wake up

I have learned suicide is not the answer. It is permanent not only does the pain end, everything ceases including my existence

I used to say the sun was inside of us, but lately there is only the darkness of pain, loneliness and fear.

I have been trying to get the sun inside again but it is refusing to shine.lt has been blocked by a horrible darkness that comes from isolation, paranoia and shame.

Paranoia has set in again. Each time worse than the last. Sometimes it is paralyzing.

Today is the worst. I have been up since yesterday. I am afraid for the day and even more afraid of the night. Now it is dark in me even though the sun is shining.  It is worse at night because the darkness is everywhere. There is no escaping.

As l sit in this internal place of  darkness, fears grips me and l wonder, will l be able to sleep tonight or will the darkness still be there

What do I say now?

For a while I stopped posting because I was not depressed and thought I had nothing to say.  My therapist strongly suggested that I start again and so I did.

Now I am at a point again of thinking I have nothing to say.  This could be true or it could be stinking thinking trying to slip in.

I have been asked why I divulge so much of myself and I explained that this is my place to let people see the whole me.  The good, the bad and the not so good.  Trying to hide parts of who I am or what I have been through seems to give me a feeling of being lost.  Openness seems to free me.

How can I be me when I hide parts of me?  Everything I have overcome and am facing right now, are all part of what makes me uniquely me.

We are all unique in our way.  The problem is that some of us never realize this and go through life lonely, lost, feeling defeated and asking God why were we ever born.

This was my life until recently, before then, there were very brief moments that I saw a glimmer of being someone special but that did not last for long.

Now, finally, I know without a doubt that I am just as special and unique as everyone else, but in my own way, just as everyone is. It has taken me a long time to really believe that in my heart.  Now that it is in my heart, no one can take that away from me, not even stinking thinking.

Negative thinking and self doubt still knock at the door and sometimes I slip and crack the door a bit, but quickly realize what is on the other side and slam the door.  “I am unique and somebody with a purpose for living”, I quickly tell myself.

I am a bit more aware of my symptoms and can apply my wellness tools before the symptoms take root and turn into a full blown episode of depression.  I have to work on recognizing mania sooner.

What I have come to realize is that when I have extremely busy days back to back to back, it is hard for me recognize the beginning of mania.  Lately I have not recognized it until I felt rage.  When I hear myself say, “My head is full”, as funny as that sounds, I know mania has been here for a while and I am only a couple of steps from full blown.

With full blown mania, it is not safe for me to drive or be around people.  I have to protect the people in my life from my rage by isolating myself.  The isolation usually leads to depression and I drop like a roller coaster drops when it reaches the top of the ride.

Now that I know isolation is a trigger for depression, with sadness and/ or mania as precursors, I need to slow down and be more aware of my moods and actions: they will tell me a lot.

I guess I did have something to share.  I guess I will keep posting.

Sometimes it gets a little discouraging but then I remember that I started posting for 2 reasons.  One reason was to find others who could relate to things I was experiencing, feeling and wondering about.  The other reason I started and keep posting is to free my mind of the overloading thoughts.  Those are the main reasons I started (beside the fact that my therapist suggested it as an assignment).   Now I do it hoping that it encourages someone or lets someone reading it know that they are not alone in how they feel.

I know sometimes what I say may seem jumbled or illogical, but ” it is what it is” and what it is, is how I feel.  I hope you will keep reading and I hope people will keep leaving comments.  The comments I have received have been encouraging and keep me going in so many things I do.

love and appreciation to all,

pb aka peanut butter

Alone vs. lonliness

Lately I have been feeling more alone than lonely.

I feel like I cannot turn to people in my support system. They have their own issues in life and I feel it is selfish to talk to them about what I am feeling. 

With some I have tried to talk to but feel blown off. Others, I feel l like I should not tell the truth when I am fighting against the pull of depression or trying to keep full mania from taking over.

Are these people really part of a support system for my mental wellness or have I been fooling myself because I have felt comfortable being honest on occasion? 

Is this my reality that they are not really go to people or is this stinking thinking?

Feedback please. How do you know when someone is part of a support system for your mental battle?  

Depression: Is it the bipolar or life?

Sometimes I really hate being alone in my house.  I have a beautiful home and sometimes I can’t wait to get out of there.  It seems to shrink, my head starts to spin, I can’t think and I start to feel sick.  

Sometimes loneliness speaks to me and becomes so overwhelming that I grab my keys and run out of the house regardless of what I have on.

 When loneliness sets in, it is followed by sadness and then depression.  The depression turns into major depression and now I’m in a storm.

Was it better being manic?  When in mania, I rush to do everything.  Once the adrenaline gets going, I have to keep moving.  Sometimes I go on auto pilot and just keep going until 2 in the morning. I lay down and toss and turn, many times not even realilizing that I fell asleep until I wake up at 5am and remember a weird dream I had.

Even when I drop from mania to depression my sleep may still be off.  I might keep the same sleep schedule or it may change where sleep overtakes me at 4 in the afternoon and get up at 3 am.

So how did I get into the whole of depression?  Was the depression brought on by life itself or is it the bipolar depression that comes when I drop from mania?

Love to all

pb aka peanut butter

 

Stinking thinking

Today was a most disturbing day compared to the last few days.

I woke up feeling  odd.  A feeling I can’t quite explain but it prevented me from going to church today ( I really do regret this).  I had decided to stay in for the day and not bother anyone with how I was feeling or letting them try to make me feel better or help me in any way.  Later, I realized I needed to get out of the house.  It is one of my wellness tactics.  Don’t stay in and think, think and keep thinking.  It is nothing but stinking thinking controlling my mind.  I have to escape its grips, so I run.  I leave as quick as I can get dressed.  Sometimes it’s so bad, I don’t care if my clothes are pressed or not.  I just have to get out.

I was not depressed or sad, but had sad thoughts.  My thoughts were how alone I was in the world (stinking thinking).  I have my mom, my children and the biggest support person in my life, my therapist, but in those moments, I felt very alone in the world.  I felt very misunderstood and that for that reason, I mattered to no one.

I went from room to room trying to get some kind of emotional balance.  I played a game on my cell phone and tablet while my mind wondered.  I also did some journaling.  Sometimes it helps me figure out what is going on in my head and that sometimes helps me figure out why my emotions are the way they are.

I had stinking questions like, did my last relationship end, because the person could not deal with my illness.  Quickly, logic said No.  It ended because we wanted much different things.  Our lifestyles are very different.  His lifestyle is dangerous for a person with a mental illness.  Mine is safe for me and those I love but would be boring for him.  We used to do things together but they were things that took me to the edge and I became tired of living on the edge.  I just wanted to live.

Stinking thinking said, I am horribly ugly and that is why you are alone. It took me a while to bounce from this one because all my life I thought I was ugly.  Later today, I realized, ugly is a harsh word, especially for one to use to describe self.  Though I am not pretty or cute or attractive, I am probably average.  Not hard on the eyes or people who not be able to look me in the face and smile back when I smile at them (doesn’t matter if I know them or not).

Stinking thinking says you are missing out on your grandchildren and on the important events in the life of your children.   The reality is, that I am limited to what I can do and where I can go and for how long.  I can see pictures of them and their aunt lets me know new things they are doing.  It is no where near the same as being there, but it is all I get.

Because of my bipolar, I cannot visit them for to long.  I truthfully have not been able to stay away from home for more than a few weeks without a mood shift.   Once that shift happens, I start going downhill and usually end up major depressed soon after I return home.  Some times I bounce back quicker than others. The last time was extremely hard.  It was the whole winter.  It was bipolar depression with suicide ideology and Seasonal Affective Disorder.

I guess I was sad because I am not involved in the lives of my family.  I feel like a throw away.  I miss out on all the important events. I see photos of everyone there except me.  Why am I am never made aware of major life events until after the fact.  This makes me feel left out of life.  I hate that feeling.  I hate how it makes me think, what it sometimes gives me a thought to do.  But it is what it is and I have to fight those thoughts and remember that even though I have a mental illness that does limit some things in my life, all things are not off limits.

I am grateful that while I do get lonely at times, I can live alone and care for myself.  I am compliant with taking my medication, seeing my therapist, keeping all Dr. appointments for my medical health and remembering that living healthy with mental illness takes work.  We cannot take anything for granted.

I cannot even take my thoughts for granted, that they are just thoughts.  Some of those thoughts are harmful, so I need to be aware of my thoughts.  I need to control my thoughts and not let them control me.  Make no mistake, that is the case whether you have a mental illness or not, however, with a mental illness our thoughts tend to take us into a dangerous realm where if we do not catch them, it can be harmful.

We cannot take sleep for granted.  My mind tells me every night, not to go to bed.  Let’s stay up.(definitely stinking thinking- who chooses to stay up or night when they don’t have to work).  I try and it gets me into trouble.  I eat more to stay up, that adds on empty calories and then I sleep only 5 hours at the most.  Sleep deprivation is tied to weight gain.  It also can bring on mania for me.  Sometimes it is the cause of my stinking thinking and then it takes  me into depression.

I am at my safe place now.  At the computer blogging.  I am surrounded by people (comforting even though I do not know them) at the library.  I can stay until the library closes and then another phase begins.  “I don’t want to go home”.  For what?  I need to be out.

So, when it is time to go, I will waste gas and drive to a store that probably does not have what I want anyway.  A waste, but it keeps me out a little longer.

Catch that stinking thinking.  It doesn’t matter if they are questions, irrational statements to self or others or if it is an illogical, irrational or dangerous action.  You are in control.  If you feel out of control, get help by phone or walk to someone who can help you.  Sometimes I most definitely cannot afford to be out of touch with people.  I will sink for sure.

take care,

love to all

pb aka peanut butter

Alone at sunrise

I don’t know if I am alone because of the mental illness and the destructive behavior I act out or if…

I really don’t know why.

I just know that I can read all the information out there about manic-depression and any other mental illness and it doesn’t explain everything.

I think there is also some very deep hurt inside that is trying to get out and that my therapy has been focusing only on the bipolar treatment.

There is no medication to help deal with emotional pain.  Sometimes it is so overpowering.

I am always alone, even with people, I am alone.  But never before sunrise.

sunrise in samfya
sunrise in samfya (Photo credit: dberg918)

My thoughts are more clear and I feel more peaceful before the sunrises.  Maybe that’s why I awake so early.  It is when all is quiet, even my disturbing thoughts are quiet before sunrise.

As beautiful as a sunrise can be, I now realize it is the end of a quiet time of peace for me.

Once the sun rises, everything changes.  Fear of everything comes in.

Fear of living comes in.  Being alive is scary.

What or who will I lose today?

Where is my place of belonging?   I feel like I don’t belong anywhere.