I need love to mom

silhouette of mother kissing her daughter

Mom,

Why did you leave me not once but twice?

Did you think I could handle it better as an adult?

Guess what mom?

There is no difference in the pain.

Reluctantly, you told me you would be leaving town for a few days

and would let me know when.

You did leave, but you did not tell me

Sneaking  out of town to be with the child to whom

I  do not exist

There was a family gathering while you were there

Everyone was there except one

Me

I was the uninvited guest that no one missed

I know you love all others but what don’t you love me.

Am I so unworthy that you would just leave me here alone.

Mom

Please pray God take this pain and anger away

We will never have the same relationship that was already frail

But this goes beyond, accepting an apology I will never get

It destroys what little trust I had left.

I need to let you know I have never known in this life what

being loved feels like from a family of a parent and sibling.

I was told I was part of that family

When will it be done

When will I be another one of your children that you see doing no wrong

After all is said and done, maybe I do not know how to receive love.

Do you think that is it?

 

There goes another one

It seems as though any time a man is nice to me, whether is a friendly hug, compliment or just being plain nice, my head starts thinking it is the beginning of a relationship.  It is. the only problem is that the relationship only exists in my head, the sick part of the brain.

I always seem to mess up potential friendships with men because I do not tell them I live with bipolar which for them means DRAMA.

Even I hate the day to day DRAMA that is a big part of bipolar.

Recently, someone I respect and admire, told me I would never have a real involved relationship with a man.  Bipolar in itself is hard to ask someone to deal with and then there are my physical illnesses as well.  The bipolar seems to be running the show.

My question: Is she right.  Is it impossible to have a romantic relationship having bipolar?

What are the success rates or are the divorce rates higher.

Is anyone currently in a relationship where one person is bipolar and the other is not?

How is it working.

Do you ever feel you cannot handle the mood changes any more.

I would love to hear from you.

Who can live with a person with bipolar?

The tears started to flow for no reason.  I know this type of crying is because of the bipolar.  It’s the one where you cry and cry for no reason, the tears will not stop despite what you do to distract yourself and you have that gnawing feeling in the pit of your stomach.  The one you cannot explain so people can understand.

I lit a candle to help focus on the flame as it appeared to dance for my pleasure, to make me stop crying and smile.  As the balloon with the saying I love floated toward the ceiling,  even that was trying to amuse me.

Neither worked very long.

Was it because I had a trigger earlier?  I was doing fine going about my morning routine and keeping track of time to make sure I did not miss my next med.  I sat down to do some paperwork and out of nowhere I started crying.  Try as hard as I might, the tears would not stop.  They were in control.

The trigger:  the continual thought living alone because of my mental illness.  That absolutely no one under any circumstance would want to deal with the “drama of bipolar” as I was told.  My answer was, true, but what do you think about the person that has to live with it everyday.

The sad truth that the only person that can tolerate living with me and my mood swings is someone who has them also.

The thought of this makes me ask God why do I have this love to give and no one to give it to, it does not seem fair.

A  man that I  was interested in (briefly) stated no one wanted to deal with drama of bipolar.  My comment: how do you think the person living with bipolar feels.  He had no answer.

Most people have their own thinking about mental illness do not want to date and sometimes do not want to have us as friends..Their loss, we are super people with a lot to contribute to this world.

Getting back to the question: Who can live with a person with  bipolar.  I don’t know.  So far I have not met anyone that wants a relationship with me (a companion)

Perhaps, I am meeting them  when I am manic and that may be the drama the man was speaking about.  Maybe I am telling them to soon about being bipolar

S.O.S

What am I doing wrong?

Does love come to people with bipolar?  Not the stars we  hear about on t.v. or see in the movies. But people who do not live in the limelight?

For anyone with a companion:  what advice do offer?  Is it a stable relationship?  Tell me what you can.

Am I doing it wrong or am I in all the wrong places?

Signed,

Seeking love.

 

 

 

 

 

 

It’s Been A While

Lot has happened since the last post.  Mostly, I kept forgetting the password even after creating a new one.

I have started dating through a web site.  It took a few dates for goofy me to realize it is just a pick up site.  At the time it really did not matter because I was going through that hyper-sexual phase.  It was a gold mine to me at the time (so I thought).  Good thing that phase did not last too long and I did not always act upon my impulses (I had boundaries they could not, better not cross and they did not, fortunately for them)

Anyway, lately I have been talking on a regular basis with someone who seems to be nice.  We have not met in person yet and sometimes I don’t know if I want to because I already told him I am bipolar and I don’t see this going anywhere.

He often says, I do not know what I want because I change my mind about things like whether or not I want to get married or not.

He makes me laugh so hard that my stomach hurts and sometimes I even have tears from the laughter.  It is always welcome.

However, sometimes he frustrates me because I don’t seem to be able to get him to see things about me the way I feel I am.

It all brings me to this.

Will there ever be anyone who can accept me as a I.  A person who lives everyday with bipolar, a sick brain?   I want to be wanted and loved like anyone who does not have bipolar.  I often get sad because I really don’t, can’t see it happening.  How can I get rid of this desire?

Is it really almost impossible for me to have that life of being in a loving relationship?
Does it really make any sense for me to meet this man when I know there could not be anything except friendship?