Give me a tiny violin

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When people would just complain and feel sorry for themselves or have a woe is me attitude like I have been having over the last few posts one would hand play an imaginary tiny violin.

Thank you for bearing with me while having my pity party.

Well, this is my tiny violin for whining.

I read someone that family, friends and sometimes even us, cannot tell the difference between the behavior: is it the illness or just us, in my case, a little of both.

Now that I no longer have that woe is me attitude ( some me and some the illness)  all is well again (it appears to be alright now, but who knows when it will show up again)

It does create havoc for both me and the person who gets the brunt of my irritability and paranoia.  I have to hope that the other person can tell the difference, me or the illness.

I am asking the impossible.  How can they tell, when sometimes I can’t tell.  By the time I realize I am in anger or rage mode of mania, it is too late.

So far I have been forgiven but how much more can they take of behavior they do not understand?

 

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Is my mind sick or is it just me

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Mixed episode.  Sad, angry, no purpose in life, lonely.  No one cares

I am worthless, I need to stay away from people or they will judge me when I

don’t laugh or jest as I normally do.

Mixed episode manic side:  Natural high, but really high as some think I am doing drugs.

Speed talking and thinking so fast it is hard not to subject jump.

 

 

Dolphins In HawaiiEven keel.  Balanced.  Where I should be.  Everything illogical is not logical the right way. When manic the logical becomes the illogical and backwards.

I once asked my therapist how can I tell whether my actions were me or part of the bipolar.

I am still trying to figure that one out.

If I am extremely irritated and annoyed all the time when there does not seem to be a reason,

When I am mad at everyone but really no one.

When I am not in the mood to talk about my mental illness

When I rant and rave after having a blast on the top part of the roller coaster

When I lash out in anger or annoyance over things that usually only bug me

When I naturally stay up all night for 36 plus hours

When I am very productive and on a natural high

When I have to stay busy because of the adrenaline and can’t sleep or sit still,

I know it is the bipolar.  The manic side.

When I am angry when the other person is simply at annoyance

When, I say hurtful things or mess up relationships, I know it is not me.

 

I need the people in my life but mental illness puts a wedge between me and them. Relationships are destroyed.   I also suffer is what the other person does not understand.  I have destroyed a relationship because I was operating from the sick side of my brain.

I lash out in rage, but the other person is wondering what the hell is going on.  That person is  only at annoyance or reaching anger.

I try to explain that we will never be at the same emotion at the same time for the same situation.

When people see me go off verbally, ranting and raving, they just think I am mean and hurtful.  Not everyone in my life thinks this but most of them do.

Wondering causes me confusion and I contemplate not taking the medicine because in my thought process all this is me and I do not need the medicine. I guess I do not fully subscribe to that bit of logic because I have learned to stay on the medications, just because I know how I am without them and maybe, just maybe the therapist and the psychiatrist know what they are talking about.

Maybe I really do have a mental illness and my emotions are heightened because of it.

Maybe I really am a bitch, but I don’t think so.  Some people would rather believe that I am a bitch rather than that I have a mental illness.

To them I say, “deal with it or leave me alone”

Mania: some people with mental illness and some that do have mental illness but no bipolar,  never take into consideration how it is for me to change throughout the day: up and down like a see saw going from mania to depression (or on the way) .  This pattern repeats itself for hours and sometimes days.  I hate it because I can’t make any of it stop.

These are mixed episodes and like mania and depression I cannot control them.

I am being judged for my actions without an expert witness to testify for me.  To let them know that this is not the real me.

I agree to do things on the spur of the moment without thought for consequences and no one believes that.  It is believed I am the way I am because I simply choose to be so and then conveniently blame mania.

Again, to them, I say “learn of my illness and you will get to know me”

 

Does any of this sound familiar???:?

Subject jumper part 2

Dolphins In HawaiiLook closely enough and you will see me having a great time with my peers.  We are with each other to be supportive, to have fun and to join together as a family.

I am still ambitious.  I want to make sure I educate as many people as possible what bipolar really is.  Not what they think, not what the media feeds them and certainly not what people who stigmatized us tell them.

As people with mental illness we are sometimes shun by family, friends, acquaintances, co-workers or anyone who is a part of our life.  All this because they lack the knowledge and some even lack the desire to take the time to educate themselves about bipolar.

To try to understand mental illness is a beginning.

Learning about bipolar symptoms  and how to recognize them in me, is the beginning of showing me I matter and that I am a worthwhile person to you.

Going to support groups, at times attending therapy with me and even taking the time to go with me and share with my psychiatrist what you observe when I am on a certain medication,  truly makes me feel you really do care about me mentally as much as you do if I have an incurable and visible illness.

Finally, answering my call when I give the secret word that I need help because I am ascending to the top of the roller coaster of mania or rapidly descending from the top that I bypass sadness and drop into the depths of depression.  It lets me know, that as much as possible you will be there with and for me.

I am not a lazy thinker.  If I say I do not know how to do something, please do not frustrate me by continuing to ask me do it after I have repeatedly told you I do not know how.  Not only are you calling me lazy minded but a liar.

I am now offended and any good you have shown seem to make me wonder how much you really have been watching and listening to the real me.

I feel successful when I can make someone genuinely laugh or smile and for that moment allow them to forget that part of our brain is incurably sick.

It is a success to me when despite how much I unwillingly play  tug of war with sadness, I get out of the house and say to hell with sadness.

I am passionately pursuing to be a peer supporter to all.

We are a special breed of survivors.  We are all passionate about helping one another.

Who else knows how to help us best without saying a word.

 

 

I failed myself again

Lately I have been feeling a little needy.

I recently met this guy who seemed to be okay but I grew tired of him not showing up when he said he would.

The best thing I should have done was to say forget it.  I don’t think this is going to work out.  It’s not you, it’s me.

But no, not me, because I was starting to feel needy and the guy I really want to be with is not into me. I thought seeing this new guy  would be a good way to stop throwing myself at the one who is not into me.

Now that I started something, it is blowing beyond the direction I want to go.

He told me not to be calling him every five minutes.  He did not understand I kept calling and texting because he said he was going to move some furniture for me.  I started moving it myself but realized it was heavier than I thought.  He never called to tell me, he was coming over.  I believe I deserved a phone call or text telling me he changed his plans.  I ended up struggling but moving it myself.  Determination will get you where you want to go.

He also says every night or in the morning he has things to do.  What the hell do you have to do all day, everyday.   If he has said he was coming over, it is hours, if at all.

How did I fail myself: I did everything I was not supposed to do: I called numerous times, I texted numerous long text messages and I started something he expects to be finished.

I failed myself because I said I would be careful next time and see someone for a while before I started something, to make sure this is the person I wanted to be with.

It would be someone who listened and would not try to give advice without hearing the whole story or at least a summation.

I did not go as far as sleeping with him which is what he now expects.  I was being a tease and it backfired.  That’s mainly what I do when I am hyper-sexual.  I get them to a place of wanting and then I back off or they back off.  Only one person wanted to go the distance but that was not my plan or the plan explained to me.  That put me in a dangerous situation because no one knew where I was and things could have turned for the worst.

I was extremely fortunate to get out of there with no harm.

Now, I believe I will tell this guy, that I am sorry but I do not feel this is going to work out because of me.  I kept saying I was sorry that I started something.  I really need to figure how to get out of this thing.

This guy actually reminds me of two other people, maybe that is what the attraction was at first.  The bottom line is I have to get this thing (this hyper-sexuality) under control.

Any more suggestions how to end this before it goes to far then I will really begin to hate myself.

 

Do they really,truly, honestly understand……

Have you ever tried to explain the rage of mania or the black hole of depression to family members or friends?

 

My personal philosophy is that if you have not lived it yourself, you don’t understand. You cannot possibly understand all the emotions I feel when the symptoms of mania and mania itself comes front and center.  No one can understand the black hole of depression if they have not been there.

One day when stinking thinking was very strong, I asked my friend some questions that indicated I was unsure if we were still friends because of an incident that did not involve me, but I was around when it happened.  Earlier that day we had a discussion about some things and he took it as a personal attack and it was not intended that way.

Stinking thinking said its all your fault.  See they did not call to let you know they were home, they are ignoring your text messages.  They do not want to be friends with you, etc.

I shared my concerns with my friend who assured me there was no problem.  I told what I had been thinking and that it was part of my illness to blame myself for everything.  Their comment was something to the effect of , “I know and I am trying to make allowances for that”

Are you serious, I wanted to ask.  You live with a mental illness as well.  What about the times I make allowances for you, when you need to talk or yell at someone or I try to help ease the pain of suffering.  What about the allowances I make when I feel like you are putting people down when they are down.  You don’t mean to but that is how it comes across and yet I am still there to be your friend.  If this person with a mental illness cannot understand the rage of mania, the irrational thinking and everything else that goes with having bipolar, how can we believe others understand.

Maybe some do, but it is my belief that most don’t.

It would not be the first time I was wrong and most definitely not the last.

This comment annoyed me because this person suffers with depression.  Isn’t that also a sick brain like people with bipolar or any other type of mental illness?

I give the people in our life credit for trying to understand, nevertheless, I think people need to take a step back and look inside their mind and they will realize they really don’t understand.  People can see what we do and hear what we say, but they do not understand how our mind is working at that moment.  I don’t even understand except I do know how it feels.  I am not mean on purpose, nor do I go to rage at the speed of 0 to 100 twice as fast as you.  It is the illness.  I don’t mean to be irritable, uncooperative and stayed in the bed, not get dressed and do not want the blinds open.  I just want to be left alone, to deal with my pain.  The pain in my mind and the pain in my body.

I compare their level of understanding to a woman who just had a baby.  She can tell her friends what it is like to carry a baby, go into labor and to deliver the baby.  Her friends will never understand what those experiences feel like until the same happens to them.

They can see the symptoms, but they cannot figure out the why.  It is too complex.  I don’t even fully understand it.  But it is enough for me to know, simply, my brain is sick.

No one can understand the indescribable pain in the pit of the stomach when depression.  It is a pain that I have never experienced before and only when major depression stays for a while.

Let me just say, when in labor there is a lot of pain.  The difference is that you know as soon as that baby comes through and enters this world, the pain soon goes away.

There is no time frame for our pain to end.  It could in days, months and I know who have been in pain for years.

I guess I took the long way to say, do they really, truly, honestly understand our illness?

 

Be good to you and remember that you are a beautiful, unique and wonderful person.  No matter how many people have bipolar, none of us are the same.

love to all

Passionately with peace, seeking to be a positive person for myself and for others.

For all those who love but don’t understand

Please remember that….

Behind the forced laugh, there may be pain

Behind the jokes, may be tears

I don’t want to be this way

I don’t want to cry all the time for no reason at all

I don’t want to be flat line where I am neither up nor down in spirit

I don’t want to chase you out of my life with stinking thinking  and everything logical becomes illogical and illogical becomes logical

I don’t want to have a sick mind, but no matter how much I laugh, joke participate in life, my mind will always be sick.

No matter how many jokes I tell or laugh at

No matter how much I smile, sing, dance or celebrate life

My mind will always be sick.

Sometimes I am in remission and everything is fine

I am neither manic nor depressed

I rejoice, I say life is totally awesome

My mind is still sick for it will always be sick because there is no cure for mental illness

It is treatable but not cureable

So please remember these things when I seem to be distant, sad, depressed, manic, have stinking thinking, seem to be out of the loop of life, impulsive, living on the edge or any other thing out of character you may hear or see

Please remember, my mind is and will always be sick and please, please be patient with me

For these moments no matter how long, will past and the one you know and love will resurface again and I hope you will still be there

 

We are Champions

So, we are still standing.

We are stronger than we thought.

We made it through manic episodes and depression.

The ride was erratic and surely not fun.

Yet, we managed to come through and still be standing.

We felt alone, isolated and had messes to clean up once we were stable again.

Sometimes we cried until we could cry no more, other times we were so manic that we tired out our selves.

At the end of an episode we did not know if we had relationships we needed to salvage and who they were with.

Despite all these ups and downs and uncertainty, we are still standing because:

We are all champions

love to all,

PB

 

Which way is up?

The last few months have been strange but I know it is the illness.

The morning and the early afternoon I am even keel and zany.  My normal zany, just making people laugh.  Sometimes my tickle box falls over and I keep laughing.  But this is normal for me.

Toward the late afternoon and into the evening everything changes.  I am irritable and cranky which leads to anger and then rage.  I am angry about everything and nothing, everyone and no one.  I cannot explain it.  My therapist reminds me this is the manic part of the illness.

I am used to being manic all day for days and then even keel.  This is even more illogical than usual for mania.  I don’t understand it.  How can I be even keel and fine in the morning and the switch goes off later in the day.  It happens this way everyday for months.

Even more than those changes, when this happens and I am alone, I go through the dark places again.  I don’t do everything I did last time but I am still walking through some areas of darkness.  It does not matter if it is some areas or every area. It is a darkness I hate because they are things, places, activities and behavior I normally despise.  I know this is not the true me, but the mania drives me.

My brain shifts and the impulsive part comes to the front.  The part that does not think of consequences, other people or even self, seems to be front and center.  No matter how I try to make it shift back, it refuses to comply and stays.  It is the ruler.  I feel like the real me disappears when this happens because when my brain shifts again and I remember what happen I say, Who the hell was that person.She was in my body but that is the only thing that was me.

Family, friends and acquaintances that see me on a regular basis do not recognize my behavior as me. Some of them do not realize it is my mental illness because they do not know what mania does to me.  Most of the time they do not refer to it as part of my illness.  Some people just think I am going through a rebellious period. Come on now.  I am a grown woman.  Can we think of some other word to call it.  Others just wave me off and think it is normal or I have changed on purpose.

My biggest fear is that people that met me when I was even keel will leave me when I become manic. They do not understand my behavior.  Some decide they do not want to be around me either because of the behavior I am exhibiting or because they are afraid of being around with someone with a mental illness.  I live with this fear when I begin to experience mania.  I know there is very little I can do except to ride out the storm, to stay on the roller coaster until the ride ends.  It is, what it is.

I wonder if I am doomed to be alone, not be in a romantic relationship for the rest of my life.  I get up every morning and just keep it moving.  When the thought comes to mind, I give it a second, not a minute, but a second and then I move on.  I have to live and not worry about that.  I keep telling myself, if it happens, it happens, but that is a crock.  I want it to happen but of course I cannot make it happen.

Honey, where are you?  🙂  Oh well, I guess he is not here yet.  He will catch up with me at some point. In the meantime, I just keep it moving.

pb: Love to all

Persistent pursing the best things life has for me that I are within my capabilities of obtaining.

Upside down emotional day

Tuesday was a really crazy day and so was Wednesday.

Each day I got up feeling okay.  No problems.  Was not upset about anything nor was I unusually happy about anything.  I really was not feeling anything other than average.

I went through the morning feeling even keel.

Then in the afternoon without warning, everything in me changed.  The calmness turned into a raging storm.  I was angry about nothing or everything.  I really do not know.  What I do know is that it seemed like my rage was aimed at everyone and everything.

People were annoying no matter what they were doing, whether I had interaction with them or not.

It took my therapist an hour to calm me down on Tuesday only for me to get angry and enraged again on the way home.   Wednesday I entered the office very angry again.

I knew both days that this was a dangerous state of mind and I could not be around family or friends as long as it continued.  This was the type of behavior (rage) I decided in the summer that was cause for me to be alone.  I do not necessarily have to stay in the house and hibernate but I do not talk with family or friends.  I tend to leave a mess when I am in this state of mania.

Normally mania starts out with me feeling high on life and starting a lot of new projects at one time and then evolves into irritability for no reason.  Mania does not seem to be following this pattern the last couple of times and it is more frustrating than normal.

I hate being angry whether there is an apparent reason or not.  I am not usually an angry person.  Usually I try to spread joy and laughter wherever I go.  I know it sounds cliche but I really do.  Someone has to and I get a kick out of being the one that does it.  I love being silly and goofy if it makes people laugh.  I love being energetic and encouraging people.  People keep telling me my laugh and energy are infectious.

When I am going through the anger storm, people annoy me and can do nothing right.  I get on my own nerves and annoy myself.  🙂

The good thing is that it does not last long.  I put myself in time out until I can treat people nice again including myself.

Today was not as bad but still going through different emotions.

I was fine until I got dressed.  I was dressed with no place to go today.  Then I realized I had no place I needed to be for the next few days.   Bummer.  Sadness peeked in along with loneliness.

I put on music and sang loud while doing chair exercises.  I was upstairs then downstairs, then upstairs, then downstairs again.  I did this a few time trying to decide what to next.  Finally I gave in and decided to go to the library.  Where else would I go?

I changed my clothes so I would feel better about my appearance (even though I was not meeting anyone- another bummer) and got out of the house as soon as I could.

So here I am.  Not as bored but making up things to do so I don’t have to face loneliness for too long when I finally go home.

I am happy to say that last night ebnded on a good note.  The therapist pointed out as usual, how I am when I am manic.  When I come to her office I am ranting and raving and being a smart a..  By now she knows this is part of my mania and does not bother her.  It never did but now she injects humor and makes me laugh.

I also subject jump.  Now we have a system worked out for that.  I have to say, subject jump before I start on another subject.  This helps to keep me in the moment and aware when I am about to change subjects.  This awareness does not stop me from doing it but it does give the other person warning so they can follow better.  It is something happens naturally when I am manic because my mind jumps all over the place from thought to thought very rapidly.

Mania continues to have its ups an downs and sometimes I step into the darkness but I don’t stay as long as I did before.  I still hate walking in those dark places even for a moment, but I realize it is the illness and not part of the real me.  Life is grand, but mental illness is a b….!

love to all,

thanks for reading

pb: Persistently trying to stay out of the dark places and trying not to make a mess with relationships when manic.  I cannot guarantee anything, I can only try to work through the madness.

To be alone on Christmas day or not

I am not manic so I have no reason to stay away from my family on Christmas yet I know it is going to be stressful and that is making me think twice about spending time with them.

I know I cannot stay away because I am sure they want to see me and will not understand that I am concerned about triggers.

Maybe what I can do is to go late in the day when perhaps some of the stress has died down and have a short visit.  I know I must check in with myself throughout the visit so I will know when things are starting to get away from me.

Does anyone else get stressful when they are spending time with family on a holiday?  Are there things that trigger you?

Please share with us.

Be as happy on the holiday as you can.  It’s another day, that we are blessed to be alive.

love to all,

pb aka peanut butter

Persistently Pursuing my Passion to be a Peer Specialist because everyone needs a hand up