Feel the fury…

 

My mom abandoned me by just taking off and not letting me know.  It is as if secretly she wanted to be away from me.  I still feel betrayed and out of her family loop with 2 sons.051a51fee844998612098296a8dfacdf8d4618-wm

Is she running away from me?  Why did’t I know.  This has been in the plan for a while.

My brother is very angry with me and believes there is no further need for communication

It was alright with me because it did wonders for mystress level.  It declined so well I was slowly getting better.

It is not like my mom to just get and leave the state without telling me.

I know this trip was a plan in the mking for her not to tell me.  I no longer trust her.  It is almost as thought she abandoned me.

Knowing that to her, my youngest brother can do no harm.

It is okay to others in the family that he will curse you like a dog and then be everything is okay.  Well, it is not okay to me.  I don’take it anymore so I texted it to him.

Text messages tell what you are thinging and saying but not your tone or facial expression.

She adores my brother and he can do no wrong as far as he is concerned.  Many see there relationship and tell me “you can’t say nothing  bad around her about your brother.  Everyone sees it except her.

Some of my family is good at lying, bullying, manipulation, favorites among siblings (mine), taking sides but saying they are not involved and  narcissisticism.

I hate the secrets and lies, but that is never going to change.  I hate people not telling me something  because they think they know me and how I am going to react to something.  They make the decision that I do not want to know or that I do not care about what is going on.

Bipolar disorder does not define who I am.  The signs and symtoms just tell you what is wrong in my life.  Why I behave a certain way.  Know bipolar and know me.  They just don’t want to take the time to do it.  They have no interest.  They would rather label me as too blunt, do not care about anyone’s feeling but my own.  These are misconceptions or the way they interprest me.  All they need to do is ask if I am manic if they do  not know the symptoms.    Don’t judge me and label me as insensitive, help me learn how to cope with this illness just as you would any other illness.  I need help with this too.

I feel alone and angry.  Angry at her for leaving or abandoning me.  I feel alone and angry that no one seems to want to be in my life as a companion.  I am angry and feel alone because sometimes all that feeling alone and angry, takes me to rage.  Rage makes me feel I have to isolate and I hate that.  I feel alone when I am alone and get angry at the world including me.

Maybe you think there is nothing wrong with my brain and I am just a mean, spiteful person with and around my family only.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

My head says one thing….

Reality says another.

This only happens when I am manic or in the middle of both ends of the bipolar pole. In other words, I believe I am on a roller coaster ride when there is no roller coaster where I am.

This may not be a good analogy so let me explain what I mean.

When I meet someone of the opposite sex that is nice to me,  I tend to form a relationship in my head that does not exist.

My thoughts and actions toward this person are what you would expect from someone that you are in a serious relationship with.  This person might not even be a friend but an acquaintance.

To be more specific:  there is a person that hugs me whenever they come to my home.  I don’t see them very often and sometimes not for months.  But because they embrace me, make me laugh and have a warm personality, there are questions that burn in me that I know I do not have a legitimate right to ask.

We are not in a relationship so it really is not my business what this person does in their personal life.  That is the reality.

In my illogical thinking we are in a relationship and I want to know what that person is  doing in their time when they are not working.

In the beginning, I ask do  you have a significant other in your life.  I ask because I do not want to be infringing on someone else’s love.  They tell me no.

At first I believe them because I am thinking rationally.

Once mania hits, rationality goes out and irrational thinking is where I live in my mind.

My behavior becomes that of a cheated on woman.  I cry about their disloyalty because I think they are sneaking away on the weekend to be with someone else.  I send crazy texts like “you lied to me  I thought you said you said you were not involved with anyone”.

There is a battle in my mind.  Reality vs. unreality . Thoughts to questions that do not apply, such as why are they ignoring my text messages become an obsession.

The reality is that they never call me or text me, only in my mind.  But it is an existing relationship to me.

I cry as though I have been cast to the side, lied to or rejected.

Reality comes back and I now have to clean up a mess.

Unfortunately, that is the only thing that is real.  I have to clean up a relationship mess, even with acquaintances who bring something special to me: a hug, good conversation, a listening hear and encouragement.

As always, bipolar is a stubborn BITCH, that will not go away.

 

There goes another one

It seems as though any time a man is nice to me, whether is a friendly hug, compliment or just being plain nice, my head starts thinking it is the beginning of a relationship.  It is. the only problem is that the relationship only exists in my head, the sick part of the brain.

I always seem to mess up potential friendships with men because I do not tell them I live with bipolar which for them means DRAMA.

Even I hate the day to day DRAMA that is a big part of bipolar.

Recently, someone I respect and admire, told me I would never have a real involved relationship with a man.  Bipolar in itself is hard to ask someone to deal with and then there are my physical illnesses as well.  The bipolar seems to be running the show.

My question: Is she right.  Is it impossible to have a romantic relationship having bipolar?

What are the success rates or are the divorce rates higher.

Is anyone currently in a relationship where one person is bipolar and the other is not?

How is it working.

Do you ever feel you cannot handle the mood changes any more.

I would love to hear from you.

Frankly speaking..

Apologies ahead of time for anyone who gets offended.  It is not my intent but I really need to talk about this.

Yes, it is back to being hyper-sexual.  I don’t know if it is an obsession or addiction but I am not used to being turned down, not once but twice by the same person.

I thought there was one person who could be there for me whenever the need arose.  You know, friends with benefits.

We really are not even friends, just acquaintances.  He is so closed about everything, I don’t know much about him.

I tried to get him to my house alone twice and he could not make it either time.   No explanation, just, I can’t

Now that I feel rejected and somewhat ashamed, my attitude is fuck him, but not really.  I don’t know why not. He seems to be in it for a moment and then he has to get back to work, if you are really wanting to get busy, why not come back.  Maybe there is something I should but do not know.

Now that the beast has rose it’s ugly head again.  I find myself wanting him even more to the point where I said, btw, x times annually I get hyper-sexual.  Minutes later, I apologized because that comment was not necessary. Have a good weekend and I will see one or both (his partner) if anything else goes wrong with the unit.

For me, there will be no more flirting with him.  Now I am going back to Plenty of Fish.  Yes, it is the pickup cesspool but maybe this time if I keep my mouth shut and do more talking, maybe I will make a real friend (yeah, right), impossible things have been known to happen.

What will or will not happen.  This is what I know is my reality:

There is no chance I will find someone to love me, bipolar and all to stay there for the long haul.  I have not had a chance to tell this man that I am bipolar so he probably doesn’t even get it.

As saddening as that is, this is also my reality: I will be hyper-sexual and I will make sure my needs get met.  Hopefully one day, they will make a medicine that will work with my body and not against it.

I do not like living like this, but right now, I have no solutions and no shame.  Only questions that I need answers to.  How much longer do I have to wait for a solution and is there one that does not require more medication.

If by some strange chance we do get together, I hope it will be worth it.  Frankly though, I do not see it happening.

no judgements, comments accepted, good, bad and not so good.

 

Went to far

So it seems as though my last post “Can We Talk” went a little too far.  It appears that I am probably the only one with this problem.

I apologize for those of you who may have found this topic offensive.

On another note.  I am struggling to figure out what actions are bipolar and what actions are just my personality.  Sometimes the lines get blurred.

One of my children says I am outspoken and I am.  I know that is my personality. Being outspoken can be a good thing when you an advocate for yourself or others.  Your voice is the one that fights not only for your rights but the rights of others who have not yet found their voice.  Some are too shy and never will.  That is when being outspoken is a good thing.

On the other hand, it can produce negative results or cause one to be offended, such as the last post.  It can also destroy relationships whether we mean to or not.

I have learned that every thought we have is not for us to say out loud.  This takes great discipline because it causes us to pause and think for a moment the possible consequences that thought might cause.

Even though the lines become blurred at times, there are some signs when I know it is me such as laughing.  When I am me or not heading for or in mania, I laugh at normal things that are funny.  When manic, things are just plain funny, whether others think so or not.  At times I just sit and start laughing.  I have heard people say, “She is in her own world” and I am.  No one knows what I am laughing about and everything is funny to me.

Being outspoken takes a little more thought.  When in a group, I tend to say what I am thinking whether I agree or not.  I say it with an example so everyone understands and most everyone agrees.  It is just that some people are shy but when someone else expresses what they are thinking it brings out what they want to say.  That I know is my personality.  When I just start saying random things and do not care about others feelings on the subject, I know it is not me.  Being insensitive and hard on people is not me.  People do not complain about this.  They just think I am having a normal bad day, but I know the difference and those who know my illness know it is not me.  I am generally a happy person and life is as the character Forest Gump says,” life is like a box of chocolates. you never know what you’re gonna get”

The last part is when I am irritable.  If I can figure out why, then most of the time it is me.  However there are times when I cannot tell if it is me or the bipolar because I may not be able to figure out the cause.  It can be something or someone triggered me.  It can lead to self harm.  Am I self harming as a result of being irritable or am I self harming because I feel misunderstood.  I know it is two in one, being irritable and self harming.

Finally, I truly believe out of all my diagnosis that are current and the ones I am waiting for a report, mental illness is truly a BITCH.  It does what it wants, when it wants.  It is a daily fight.  So is having cancer ( I am a two time cancer survivor. These statements apply to what I have experienced and how I feel). However, if cancer is caught early enough, most times, something can be done to treat it whether surgical or some other form of treatment.

Mental illness cannot be cured. Time and different techniques have been tried and failed.  Hopefully many of us are getting treatment and following our wellness plan.  The sick part of our brain cannot be operated on to make it better.  There is no treatment to make it go away.

The only treatment that works for me is compliance with going to psychotherapy and taking my medications as instructed.  Honestly, sometimes I fail at both.  Yet, because I know it is a matter of giving up and losing my life or fighting and living,  I choose to get back on my regimen and live as long as I can.

I do hope this is a better post that more people can relate to.  I do realize that many of the issues I have are are not experienced by everyone or even a majority of people with  mental illness.  Those who do experience it, may not be willing to share.  It is a personal thing.

I share, my experiences, good, bad and not so good in hopes it will help someone to understand they are not alone and it is nothing wrong that they did, it is the illness.

One thing I hope we all agree on:  at times, our mental illness has a way of ruling what we think, our actions based on what we think, what we perceive as real, even though it may not be real.  It is not our fault.  It is one of many characteristics or symptoms of mental illness.

love to all,

hope this helps someone whether they comment or not.

100_0492
Peace within

 

Fighter

Recently I went to the doctor because a mass, cyst, tumor, depending on which doctor you ask, it is what it is.

His medical assistant took the paperwork and checked it with my medical history.

When the Dr. read the information, his comment was “you are a fighter”

I never thought of myself as a fighter  before.  My comment was, if you don’t fight you die.

I am a lot of things that people try to compliment me on and I have a hard time  believing them.   But this I could believe.   “I am a fighter”

We all fight for something we want to hold onto, things people and especially our health.

I fight for my health.  Kidney disease, bipolar, psychogenic non epileptic seizures as well as other diagnosis.  I have been through cancer twice.

Yet, by the grace of God and the strength he gives me, I am still here and life is totally awesome.

I fight like crazy everyday to keep my mind and  body moving.  It is very easy to lay in bed and make excuses to mentally take a trip to a day when you no longer have to work.

That’s okay.  But, we with mental illness diagnosis’s  cannot afford to take the tine off. It is too dangerous.  We might take a day and then another and then another because we let or mind  wonder to a time when we no longer have this bipolar or other mental illness. We know that there is no cure and it becomes discouraging but we have to get up whether we want to or not.

A fighter in the ring, gets knocked down,but he gets back up if he wants to win.

We can get through the depression and manic episodes because we have done it before.  We won the last time because I am here writing this and you are here reading it.

We are VICTORIOUS.

 

stop the crying

I am so sensitive I cannot distinguish between me and the bipolar.  Lately, everyday I break down and cry.  Sometimes, it seems that I even forget to breathe.  What is going on with me?

I am wondering if I need a medication adjustment or am I having mixed episodes from day to day.

I realize people treat you the way they observe you treating yourself. Sometimes I do not think highly of myself and this comes through.  I say negative things and it comes across as being weak minded.  One person called this bipolar drama.  I assured him that having a mental illness is sh**** but think about how the person feels who lives with it everyday.  We cannot help that our brain is sick.

I know this, but it seems as though I am having a hard time changing how I respond to things.  Too sensitive I know, however I have been like this all life.  How do I change?

One person said it is high school sh** and that I need to be like Teflon  I believe that if I were Teflon it would almost dehumanize me.

How do I find the balance in between way too sensitive (usually between depression and mania) and being Teflon?

 

 

Change is hard

2014 presented a lot of change for me.

There were some personnel changes in the program I attend and it was hard getting adjusted to new people.  It rocked me a little bit and took me off point of what I was there for.  I decided to stop going but now I realize that until I start working I need to go if for no other reason that to get out of the house and be with people I can connect with.

I not only connected with the other clients but with some of the staff as well.  I love going there and I have grown personally since I started attending. I am a bit more confident about a lot of things and i have found my voice.

It is okay for me to stay away from people who trigger rage in me when I am manic.  I used to think it was wrong to stay away but now I know it protects them and me.

Participating in different groups helped me learned emotion regulation for when I am manic.  I am still learning so sometimes I still blow up.  I am trying to learn to be more aware of what I am feeling when I am feeling it and using good communication skills like saying “I feel” instead of “you made me feel” when telling somehow how something they said or did made me feel.  Everything I have learned is a work in progress trying to use it, but if I keep going I will use the skills that I learned more often.

Going to the center on a regular basis and staying busy when leaving the center has helped me with fighting depression. One of my  maintenance tools for wellness is to get out of the house everyday.  Attending the center gives me a place to go making it easy to find a reason to get dressed and get out.

Things that used to set me back for months now only get to me for hours in a day.  I am learning to analyze things others say or their actions toward me, better and sooner rather than later.  Even though it may sound strange,  I have to talk myself through a lot of stinking thinking.  Stinking thinking used to win a lot of battles with my mind causing me to be sad and go into depression or turn away from people because I thought the worst of myself or that I did something wrong and that people in my life were always angry or disappointed with me.  Now I work my way through those thoughts and remind myself of the truth and move on.

The truth is, I was transferring my thoughts onto the other person and they were thinking something totally different or not thinking about me at all.

Last year in 2013 I had no direction, nothing to look forward to in life. Most of the year I was depressed and a third of the time I was manic.   This year I was stable a lot longer, more than I have been since 2007.

I used to beat myself up about my last breakup because I felt it was my fault because I can be a handful with having bipolar.  When we were together I had a lot of hospitalizations, but only one since we broke up.  Sometimes I miss him, but i remind myself that it was not a healthy relationship even without having bipolar.

Yes, a lot of emotional changes, but good changes.

thanks for reading my blog and I love all of you.

pb: Persistently pursuing my passion to be a peer support to help someone else and continue my healing journey.

To be alone on Christmas day or not

I am not manic so I have no reason to stay away from my family on Christmas yet I know it is going to be stressful and that is making me think twice about spending time with them.

I know I cannot stay away because I am sure they want to see me and will not understand that I am concerned about triggers.

Maybe what I can do is to go late in the day when perhaps some of the stress has died down and have a short visit.  I know I must check in with myself throughout the visit so I will know when things are starting to get away from me.

Does anyone else get stressful when they are spending time with family on a holiday?  Are there things that trigger you?

Please share with us.

Be as happy on the holiday as you can.  It’s another day, that we are blessed to be alive.

love to all,

pb aka peanut butter

Persistently Pursuing my Passion to be a Peer Specialist because everyone needs a hand up