Is my mind sick or is it just me


Mixed episode.  Sad, angry, no purpose in life, lonely.  No one cares

I am worthless, I need to stay away from people or they will judge me when I

don’t laugh or jest as I normally do.

Mixed episode manic side:  Natural high, but really high as some think I am doing drugs.

Speed talking and thinking so fast it is hard not to subject jump.



Dolphins In HawaiiEven keel.  Balanced.  Where I should be.  Everything illogical is not logical the right way. When manic the logical becomes the illogical and backwards.

I once asked my therapist how can I tell whether my actions were me or part of the bipolar.

I am still trying to figure that one out.

If I am extremely irritated and annoyed all the time when there does not seem to be a reason,

When I am mad at everyone but really no one.

When I am not in the mood to talk about my mental illness

When I rant and rave after having a blast on the top part of the roller coaster

When I lash out in anger or annoyance over things that usually only bug me

When I naturally stay up all night for 36 plus hours

When I am very productive and on a natural high

When I have to stay busy because of the adrenaline and can’t sleep or sit still,

I know it is the bipolar.  The manic side.

When I am angry when the other person is simply at annoyance

When, I say hurtful things or mess up relationships, I know it is not me.


I need the people in my life but mental illness puts a wedge between me and them. Relationships are destroyed.   I also suffer is what the other person does not understand.  I have destroyed a relationship because I was operating from the sick side of my brain.

I lash out in rage, but the other person is wondering what the hell is going on.  That person is  only at annoyance or reaching anger.

I try to explain that we will never be at the same emotion at the same time for the same situation.

When people see me go off verbally, ranting and raving, they just think I am mean and hurtful.  Not everyone in my life thinks this but most of them do.

Wondering causes me confusion and I contemplate not taking the medicine because in my thought process all this is me and I do not need the medicine. I guess I do not fully subscribe to that bit of logic because I have learned to stay on the medications, just because I know how I am without them and maybe, just maybe the therapist and the psychiatrist know what they are talking about.

Maybe I really do have a mental illness and my emotions are heightened because of it.

Maybe I really am a bitch, but I don’t think so.  Some people would rather believe that I am a bitch rather than that I have a mental illness.

To them I say, “deal with it or leave me alone”

Mania: some people with mental illness and some that do have mental illness but no bipolar,  never take into consideration how it is for me to change throughout the day: up and down like a see saw going from mania to depression (or on the way) .  This pattern repeats itself for hours and sometimes days.  I hate it because I can’t make any of it stop.

These are mixed episodes and like mania and depression I cannot control them.

I am being judged for my actions without an expert witness to testify for me.  To let them know that this is not the real me.

I agree to do things on the spur of the moment without thought for consequences and no one believes that.  It is believed I am the way I am because I simply choose to be so and then conveniently blame mania.

Again, to them, I say “learn of my illness and you will get to know me”


Does any of this sound familiar???:?

The Greatest Fight

I am talking about the greatest fight going on in our time.  It is not between  two opponents in a ring.

The  opponents I am talking about, one does not fight fair.  He loves to do a sneak attack.

He finds great pleasure in hurting you whether you are standing strong on your feet or he has knocked you down and you are wobbly on your feet, but you do manage to stand.

This opponent challenges you a great deal and does not seem to accept “no” for an answer.

After he antagonizes you for days, you finally give in and decide to accept his challenge and fight back.

You do the opposite of everything he expects you to do.  He tries to knock you down but this time you stand tall.  You might even bring in some partners to deal with his his team.

Depression is the name of the sneaky opponent.  He does not play fair.  He does a sneak attack every time.  When you are down, you do not feel like fighting.  You feel as though you have no strength.

Depression brings in part of his team: worthless, hopeless, purposeless.

What he does not realize, is that you have your own team, worthy, hopeful, purpose.  Your trainers are named, Psychiatrist and Therapist.

The fight is carried out in your mind and it is a daily battle for some. This opponent is determined to keep you down (in bed, suicide ideology, why am I here.  I am tired of  this indescribable pain.

Once you start fighting back, you challenge depression and bipolar (his manager with mental illness as the co-owner)

Support system (family, friends, other people with a mental illness  diagnosis that know what it is like, are standing by your side).  Psychiatrist  and therapist train you and now you are strong enough to get up and stand.  Hopeless, worthless, purposeless are still hanging around for the next round.

They will keep attacking you ever so often, but since you know depression’s game plan, you can knock him out with medication com pliancy, knowing you are worthwhile and listening to  your support system.

Our enemy depression will keep coming back sometimes sooner, sometimes months or year later.  We will fight and win again.  We did it this time and we will do  it again.

Let’s fight depression let him know, we have our weapons and we will not hand over our mind to them.  We will fight everyday to keep us safe.

We are victors because we protected the mind from destruction and we remain in reality.


stop the crying

I am so sensitive I cannot distinguish between me and the bipolar.  Lately, everyday I break down and cry.  Sometimes, it seems that I even forget to breathe.  What is going on with me?

I am wondering if I need a medication adjustment or am I having mixed episodes from day to day.

I realize people treat you the way they observe you treating yourself. Sometimes I do not think highly of myself and this comes through.  I say negative things and it comes across as being weak minded.  One person called this bipolar drama.  I assured him that having a mental illness is sh**** but think about how the person feels who lives with it everyday.  We cannot help that our brain is sick.

I know this, but it seems as though I am having a hard time changing how I respond to things.  Too sensitive I know, however I have been like this all life.  How do I change?

One person said it is high school sh** and that I need to be like Teflon  I believe that if I were Teflon it would almost dehumanize me.

How do I find the balance in between way too sensitive (usually between depression and mania) and being Teflon?



Mania: a different out of control this time

This last time around mania had a field day.

It did not follow the path it normally takes.  Perhaps it was because I was not following my same routine.

This time I hardly slept.  There was even a time I did not go to sleep for over 24 hours.  Needless to say when I finally went to bed I crashed for the night.  The next night I was back to being up and out late at night.  It doesn’t matter that I was not getting into trouble being out late, but with this change in routine I was missing night medications a lot and did not realize it.  I was also not wearing my depression patch correctly. Sometimes I would forget to put it on.

I had so much energy I needed less and less sleep.  it did not matter how few hours I slept, I was refreshed when I got up.  I would start exercising between 4:30 and 5:30 in the morning.

At night, I would change into my alter ego and do the opposite of what I would normally do.  For instance, I was used to being up late, but at home, not out going from place to place.  No place in particular, just whatever store was open late.  I would go from one to the other.  Wal-mart was a great place to be at night.  No pesky customers getting in your way or rude children running around screaming and almost knocking people over.

I was also on the hunt for a party.  Of course I never found any since I did not know where to look. The point is, that I am not a party person unless someone I know is having a party.  I was just looking for a good time.  I would have gone to the night club except I did not know of any.

Finally,  I had a huge blow up with one of my family members and they almost stopped speaking to me for ever.  Thankfully after we said what we had to say, we smiled.  We knew that regardless of what happened the one thing we could never change is that we are bound by blood.  We said what we felt we had to say and then it was squashed.   Things don’t always turn out that way when I have done manic damage.

What frustrates me is that people in general, whether family or close friends, do not understand that when we are out of character it is a sign that we may need intervention.  When we blowup with rage, it is a sign we are manic and may  need intervention.

This time around, I felt so alone.  I needed someone to be there to anchor me and yet there was no one, so like a ship without a compass or captain, I was lost.  I could not find my way out and there was no one there to guide me.  This was probably the longest and hardest storm of mania I have experienced in a very long time.

Have you ever been manic and felt like you were 2 or more different people because you were one way one part of the day and a different person another part of the day?

Are your mania episodes always the same?

Do you do things out of character when you are manic?

Please share.  I would really like to know.

love to all,


Persistently Pursuing my Passion to be a Peer support person

Everyone needs a hand up and someone to walk with them on their journey

A lonely disease

I see over and over again how lonely it is having a mental illness.

My family does not seem to see or know the difference when something I do is out of my character and is part of the mental illness.  Most of them seem to think I do illogical, irrational and selfish things just to do them, which is not the case.

There are things I do and behavior I display when manic that I would otherwise not display.  It leaves me feeling that I am a mean person rather than the nice person others seem to think I am.

I feel like an outsider with some of my family members but then I feel silly for having those feelings when called out on them.  What do I do with these conflicted feelings?   I accept that my feelings are my feelings and that I should keep them to myself and move on with life.  It is only a hiccup.

I am trying to accept that some will never understand my illness.  They believe that if certain things would happen in my life,  I would not be dependent upon medication or that my depression would leave for good or at least impose a visit less often.

I have bipolar 1 and I will always be on medication until the psychiatrist tells me I don’t have to be.  I don’t see that happening unless the medical field finds a way to cure our sick brains of the chemical imbalance that causes the bipolar besides, I know what I am like and how I struggle when I am off medication.  I don’t think they would like what they would have to deal with to be around me.

Sometimes I think I will be alone the rest of my life without a companion.  I need someone who can see and know the difference when I am manic and when I am not.  He has to be strong for the both of us when I am depressed.  He has to not give up on me or us and know that I will come through the storm.  I already know I will.  When I am with my family while manic or after mania, I don’t feel this will come to fruition but when I am well or alone, I have hope and I will keep hope alive.

I am alone most of the because I don’t want to have to explain my behavior every time I get manic or have been manic.  I feel like I am hurting important people in my life with my manic behavior but they don’t understand, “It is what it is” and what it is, is manic-depression.  Some things I catch in a thought before it happens, other things are not a thought just an action that surprises me just as much as it does them.  I have to live with the consequences, they don’t so please cut me some slack.  It is not easy to clean up manic messes.

Despite having to be alone most of the time, I am doing okay with me.  I am enjoying the sane parts of my life and dealing with the not so sane parts.  What else can I do; go inside a cocoon and stop living just to protect the feelings of others.  If they really knew me, they would know it is not really me.                                                                                                                                                                                        I wish I never acted out on impulse, felt alone, had to clean up messes and all those good things that come with being bipolar, but it is here to stay so all I can do is learn how to roll with the punches, stay focused, positive, embrace all the good in life I can by going after my dreams and making them come to fruition.

At the end of the day, I am who I am and I have to love me.

stay positive, focused and live your life to the fullest

Love to all

pb: Positively Pursuing my Passion as a Peer Supporter

Everyone needs a helping hand and an understanding ear

Victory day

Yesterday was victory day.

Forced myself out of the house in the morning and stayed out for a good portion of the day.

It was a productive day because I interacted with other people and did not stay to myself.

Yay                                          100_0492

I now realize that there are no automatic easy days.  There is always a fight for something in order to maintain my mental health wellness. It is always there. That is why it is so easy to give up and give in to depression.  Fighting mental illness to me is a constant battle.  Maybe not for everyone, I can only speak for myself.

Yesterday morning when I dipped into sadness, it would have been easy for me to stay there.  I wanted to go back to bed and fortunately that is not my style.  I had to fight that sadness and that sensation to crawl back into bed with the covers over my head becasue one of my loved ones has closed me out of her life.  It doesn’t just sting when I think about it, it pains me, but I keep moving forward.  I cannot let it cripple me with sadness or turn into depression.  I don’t like being in that place.

I am back on a crazy wake up schedule, 3 am.   I used to be okay with it becasue I thought it was when I was creative.  I have since learned that I am a creative person period.  That means I can be creative at any time of the day, not only at 3 am.  Now I am trying to get my mind to let me sleep at least until 4:30 or 5 am.  That would be great.  Unfortunately my body seems to rule what time I get up and not my mind.

That means I have to really be aware of my moods and how I am feeling.  Too little sleep can cause me to go into mania and then dip down into depression.  Now that I know that sleep deprivation affects my mood and how so, I need to really pay attention to what I am feeling and how I am responding to people or reacting to situations (am I getting irritable for no reason or at little things).

I must make it a point to get out of the house, to know manic and depression tools in case I need to use them.  I need to make sure I use my coping skills when situations arise that could throw me off balance.

I like having a victory day and look forward to making more victory days happen.  That don’t just happen for me.  I have to make them happen by keeping it going.

Have a victory mental health day

love to all

pb aka peanut butter

11 Warning signs of a depression relapse

I saw an interesting slideshow on the WebMd website.  The following are the 11 Warning Signs of Depression

1. Depressed mood

2. Breaking plans, withdrawing socially

3. Sleeping too much or too little

4. Irritability

5. Loss of interest in sex and other pleasures

6. Feeling worthless

7. Chronic aches and pains

8. Sudden weight gain or loss

9. Fatigue

10. Slowed-down thinking

11. Suicide thoughts

I plan to keep this information near my computer to remind me of the warning signs.

Now that depression has left and I am on good ground again I can see that there were signs all along the way down.  Because I did not know the signs I went right through them and hit bottom.  I had a relapse.  One of the worst in a very long time.

I recommend this slideshow to everyone.  The information is a valuable tool.

love to all

pb aka peanut butter

Merry Christmas

Festival of Trees fine tatted lace ornaments C...
Festival of Trees fine tatted lace ornaments Christmas Tree (Photo credit: tsayrate)

Although many of us will not be with family, friends and loves ones today, we can all purpose to have an awesome day if we are not alone.  There lies the awesomeness of today,  that we are not alone on this special day and that we are still here to be a part of it.

I thank God today is a different feeling than Thanksgiving was.

I feel stronger in every way.

I did something impulsive that might come back to bite me in the butt, but I plan on having an a good day inspite of my impulsive


My anti-depressant medication is working and I am spending the day with one of my support people and I got up around 6 am, a milestone.

So, I purpose to have an awesome day and enjoy my eureka moments.

You do the same.  Merry Christmas

love to all

pb aka peanut butter

Different types of talk therapy

While reading slideshow information on depression (Web MD- I became aware of more than one type of talk therapy aka psychotherapy.

I fully support psychotherapy as part of a treatment plan for bipolar and any other mental illness.  Here is what it said:

Talk Therapy for Depression

Studies suggest different types of talk therapy can fight mild to moderate depression.Cognitive behavioral therapy aims to change thoughts and behaviors that contribute to depression. Interpersonal therapy identifies how your relationships impact your mood.Psychodynamic psychotherapy helps helps people understand how their behavior and mood are affected by unresolved issues and unconscious feelings. Some patients find a few months of therapy are all they need, while others continue long term.

I am going to discuss all types of psychotherapy with my therapist.  I believe I have not been concentrating on all of them and that by incorporating all of them will help me better deal with all aspects of my bipolar.

I think visual change of scenery also helps:   I changed the photo by my desk from a sunset in Hawaii to dolphins in the ocean.  This is not the photo but it comes close.  It is bright but peaceful.

A pod of Indo-Pacific bottlenose dolphins in t...
A pod of Indo-Pacific bottlenose dolphins in the Red Sea. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

be good to you. Check out pyschotherapy if you have not already done so.

pb aka peanut butter


Peace but no direction

English: View from Punkaharju, a 7 km long rid...
English: View from Punkaharju, a 7 km long ridge surrounded by water. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Sitting on the edge of the dock.  Very close to the edge.

Don’t worry.  I am not going in.  I’m not depressed.

I’m just sitting on the edge of life thinking where to go from here.  I won’t jump in, I’m not manic.

Do I go back to where I was before the dam of symptoms broke?

No, that is not the way to go.  The symptoms were already there, I just did not know what all the craziness in my life was.

Now that I know and I am on my way back up (out of the hole of depression), I have to have a plan.

A plan to stay healthy, emotionally and mentally as well as physically.

I am even keel.  Just here, but I feel like I need some mania, some hypomania to start moving again.  I feel like a plane ready to fly, but no engine to leave the ground.

pb aka peanut butter

I’m out of the hole of depression.   I am sitting on the edge trying to think of a plan of how to go up from here.

pb aka peanut butter