Sometimes I shake my heart

and scream at it, what is wrong with you.

Is there something in my looks, that tell a person, I am messed up before we even talk.

Does my careful actions say, I am trying to hard.

Am I being so careful, it shows I am hiding something and refusing to reveal this secret.

I shake my heart because it has had to many, ” I  like you but: our time to get together will come.  (what is wrong with now or tomorrow if you need more time” and “we will talk about it”, when you damn well know, there is no opportunity to see or talk to you.  Sounds like in you mind it is a delicate way to let me down.  Don’t be delicate.  Just let me down.

I would rather know the truth now than after wading through a cesspool of lies.

If you do not like my looks, if average is not good enough for you, if you know we will never talk, then why lie.

Say what you need to say and don’t worry about how I will take it, that is only to make you feel better, does it really make you feel better that  if you told  the truth?  I hope that lie haunts you.  Do I sound bitter?  Hell, yes I am.  Tired of the king of fizz instead of the cool fresh pop.

As a people with  mental illness, we are lied to, tolerated and very much misjudged.  Why should the love factor be added to all the other bull.  Tell one thing straight out.  Must we be lied to about just about everything unless,  YOU can readily admit you are the one with the problem and damn you don’t even take medication.

Halt, stop, take a break, back it up, back it up and you let it marinate.

Maybe you should be the one taking the medicine and shaking your heart because you let a damn good person get away.

And one more thing, mental illness does not define who we are no more than having cancer, kidney disease or a broken foot that will never heal.  These do not define who we are,  they are just things happening in our mortal bodies.

 

Think about what you are doing as you find yourself walking away, lying to or ignoring the person who may be the best thing that ever happened to you.

While you stood there flattering yourself thinking you are a nice pop but really you are a fizzle, thinking you are a crisp bag of chips when you are only a stale bag of chips, left over from someone who realized what you had but is now there’s.

Better take yourself off your own throne and say, maybe I need some medication, I just let the best thing every happen to me walk away.  Then it will be you,  shaking your heart and screaming,  What is wrong with you.

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Quick change of mind

I realize that I am just starting to get manic.  I googled Plenty of Fish and there in big letters was the story of a woman raped by a guy from POF.

Normally, things like this can and do happen in all dating sites, would be my logic and I would proceed to activate an account.

Being between mainstream and manic, I do realize there are potentially dangerous situations that can happen whether you met someone from a dating site or not.

As much as I want and need human touch, at this moment that is not a risk I am willing to take.  I hope this logical thinking stays with me throughout this ordeal.  Thoughts usually flip for me when manic.  Logic is now illogical and illogical is now logical, hence, no negative consequences, only a good time.

I usually do not even realize when I am going into mania, until it is too late.  I am already there.

Now my mind thinks, maybe I should go back and try to find one of the other ones I was already dealing with, NO thanks.

Get some type of hobby, what I don’t know.  Something that will keep my mind in check and my body will follow suit and stay in the safety zone.

The Greatest Fight

I am talking about the greatest fight going on in our time.  It is not between  two opponents in a ring.

The  opponents I am talking about, one does not fight fair.  He loves to do a sneak attack.

He finds great pleasure in hurting you whether you are standing strong on your feet or he has knocked you down and you are wobbly on your feet, but you do manage to stand.

This opponent challenges you a great deal and does not seem to accept “no” for an answer.

After he antagonizes you for days, you finally give in and decide to accept his challenge and fight back.

You do the opposite of everything he expects you to do.  He tries to knock you down but this time you stand tall.  You might even bring in some partners to deal with his his team.

Depression is the name of the sneaky opponent.  He does not play fair.  He does a sneak attack every time.  When you are down, you do not feel like fighting.  You feel as though you have no strength.

Depression brings in part of his team: worthless, hopeless, purposeless.

What he does not realize, is that you have your own team, worthy, hopeful, purpose.  Your trainers are named, Psychiatrist and Therapist.

The fight is carried out in your mind and it is a daily battle for some. This opponent is determined to keep you down (in bed, suicide ideology, why am I here.  I am tired of  this indescribable pain.

Once you start fighting back, you challenge depression and bipolar (his manager with mental illness as the co-owner)

Support system (family, friends, other people with a mental illness  diagnosis that know what it is like, are standing by your side).  Psychiatrist  and therapist train you and now you are strong enough to get up and stand.  Hopeless, worthless, purposeless are still hanging around for the next round.

They will keep attacking you ever so often, but since you know depression’s game plan, you can knock him out with medication com pliancy, knowing you are worthwhile and listening to  your support system.

Our enemy depression will keep coming back sometimes sooner, sometimes months or year later.  We will fight and win again.  We did it this time and we will do  it again.

Let’s fight depression let him know, we have our weapons and we will not hand over our mind to them.  We will fight everyday to keep us safe.

We are victors because we protected the mind from destruction and we remain in reality.

 

A different kind of year

I am totally loving my life this year.  I don’t just mean from January 2014, I mean this year as in from 09/2013 to present.

First of all, I must thank God that I have not been depressed.  Last calendar year,  I was depressed starting late September and did not start to feel better until Dec. 2013

I thank God that my medication(s) have been the same for the last year.  The Dr. did add another medication {Latuda}.  It is for mania but sometimes it also helps me sleep.  It is a bonus when it does.

Overall, I have been doing and feeling very well.  I have been awesome.  Life is awesome.   When you purpose, plan and pursue awesomeness within yourself, you can have an awesome day.  That’s all we can ask for on a daily basis.

 

Love to all,

pb

PERSISTENTLY PURSUING MY PASSION AS A PEER SUPPORT

Everyone needs a hand up

A lonely disease

I see over and over again how lonely it is having a mental illness.

My family does not seem to see or know the difference when something I do is out of my character and is part of the mental illness.  Most of them seem to think I do illogical, irrational and selfish things just to do them, which is not the case.

There are things I do and behavior I display when manic that I would otherwise not display.  It leaves me feeling that I am a mean person rather than the nice person others seem to think I am.

I feel like an outsider with some of my family members but then I feel silly for having those feelings when called out on them.  What do I do with these conflicted feelings?   I accept that my feelings are my feelings and that I should keep them to myself and move on with life.  It is only a hiccup.

I am trying to accept that some will never understand my illness.  They believe that if certain things would happen in my life,  I would not be dependent upon medication or that my depression would leave for good or at least impose a visit less often.

I have bipolar 1 and I will always be on medication until the psychiatrist tells me I don’t have to be.  I don’t see that happening unless the medical field finds a way to cure our sick brains of the chemical imbalance that causes the bipolar besides, I know what I am like and how I struggle when I am off medication.  I don’t think they would like what they would have to deal with to be around me.

Sometimes I think I will be alone the rest of my life without a companion.  I need someone who can see and know the difference when I am manic and when I am not.  He has to be strong for the both of us when I am depressed.  He has to not give up on me or us and know that I will come through the storm.  I already know I will.  When I am with my family while manic or after mania, I don’t feel this will come to fruition but when I am well or alone, I have hope and I will keep hope alive.

I am alone most of the because I don’t want to have to explain my behavior every time I get manic or have been manic.  I feel like I am hurting important people in my life with my manic behavior but they don’t understand, “It is what it is” and what it is, is manic-depression.  Some things I catch in a thought before it happens, other things are not a thought just an action that surprises me just as much as it does them.  I have to live with the consequences, they don’t so please cut me some slack.  It is not easy to clean up manic messes.

Despite having to be alone most of the time, I am doing okay with me.  I am enjoying the sane parts of my life and dealing with the not so sane parts.  What else can I do; go inside a cocoon and stop living just to protect the feelings of others.  If they really knew me, they would know it is not really me.                                                                                                                                                                                        I wish I never acted out on impulse, felt alone, had to clean up messes and all those good things that come with being bipolar, but it is here to stay so all I can do is learn how to roll with the punches, stay focused, positive, embrace all the good in life I can by going after my dreams and making them come to fruition.

At the end of the day, I am who I am and I have to love me.

stay positive, focused and live your life to the fullest

Love to all

pb: Positively Pursuing my Passion as a Peer Supporter

Everyone needs a helping hand and an understanding ear