I know tears are a way of relieving pain or can be an expression of joy.
For me, many times, it is just the bipolar having it’s way at the moment.
Lately, my moments seem to be very often and I am not feeling any relief.
Sometimes I am sitting in the library and I just want to cry. Sometimes, the tears start filling my eyes and I have to stop and breathe in and out for a minute or two. When this doesn’t work, I have to get off the computer and leave the library. I know the floodgate is about to open.
Some days and nights I am okay with being alone and then I begin to cry because I believe this is the way it will always be.
I tell myself I have accepted being alone, but when storms hit my life, as it does everyone, it would be great to have someone to talk with, to reassure me they are there to listen, to encourage or to just be there without either of us saying a word. Just hold me close and let me feel your heart beating.
Recently, some things happened in my life that I did not deal with. I did not even realize it caused me to be under stress. When I realized how critical the incidents were, I began to cry and cry for the last few days, including today.
Some say, rain, rain, go away, come again another day.
I say tears, tears of sadness, lonesomeness, deep yearning for love: tears, tears, go away today.
Who am I kidding? Certainly not me. The tears may leave for a moment. Sometimes they may be a reaction to something sad or happy.
But I know that they are mainly because of the bipolar. I can be in a room full of people or alone watching a comedy and I just start crying. I go into the bathroom and cry when I am out in public.
Damn this f***ing disease. I have a number of health issues, but I think this one is the b**ch of them all.
I have cried so much this month this far, that I have already gone through a month supply of anxiety pills. It takes twice as much to bring me back to a functioning state of mind.
What the hell. Am I not already suffering knowing my brain is sick and will always be. Sometimes it seems sicker than at other times, but the truth is, the sickness is always there. And as long as it is sick there will always be tears for no reason or out of no where.
I only wish, more than no tears, is that family and friends would not consider me overly sensitive and realize it is part of the mental illness disease I have to live with everyday.
Tears of bipolar, go away and take the agonizing pain with you. O if it were that simple.