Feel the fury…

 

My mom abandoned me by just taking off and not letting me know.  It is as if secretly she wanted to be away from me.  I still feel betrayed and out of her family loop with 2 sons.051a51fee844998612098296a8dfacdf8d4618-wm

Is she running away from me?  Why did’t I know.  This has been in the plan for a while.

My brother is very angry with me and believes there is no further need for communication

It was alright with me because it did wonders for mystress level.  It declined so well I was slowly getting better.

It is not like my mom to just get and leave the state without telling me.

I know this trip was a plan in the mking for her not to tell me.  I no longer trust her.  It is almost as thought she abandoned me.

Knowing that to her, my youngest brother can do no harm.

It is okay to others in the family that he will curse you like a dog and then be everything is okay.  Well, it is not okay to me.  I don’take it anymore so I texted it to him.

Text messages tell what you are thinging and saying but not your tone or facial expression.

She adores my brother and he can do no wrong as far as he is concerned.  Many see there relationship and tell me “you can’t say nothing  bad around her about your brother.  Everyone sees it except her.

Some of my family is good at lying, bullying, manipulation, favorites among siblings (mine), taking sides but saying they are not involved and  narcissisticism.

I hate the secrets and lies, but that is never going to change.  I hate people not telling me something  because they think they know me and how I am going to react to something.  They make the decision that I do not want to know or that I do not care about what is going on.

Bipolar disorder does not define who I am.  The signs and symtoms just tell you what is wrong in my life.  Why I behave a certain way.  Know bipolar and know me.  They just don’t want to take the time to do it.  They have no interest.  They would rather label me as too blunt, do not care about anyone’s feeling but my own.  These are misconceptions or the way they interprest me.  All they need to do is ask if I am manic if they do  not know the symptoms.    Don’t judge me and label me as insensitive, help me learn how to cope with this illness just as you would any other illness.  I need help with this too.

I feel alone and angry.  Angry at her for leaving or abandoning me.  I feel alone and angry that no one seems to want to be in my life as a companion.  I am angry and feel alone because sometimes all that feeling alone and angry, takes me to rage.  Rage makes me feel I have to isolate and I hate that.  I feel alone when I am alone and get angry at the world including me.

Maybe you think there is nothing wrong with my brain and I am just a mean, spiteful person with and around my family only.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Oh Boy

I did it this time.

It seems as though my mother always seem to get the brunt end of my manic rages unless by chance I get to see the therapist.

Therapist.  Have not seen one in a while and that has proven to be a big mistake.  Instead of taking frustration out on mom, could have put all that anger and rage to the therapist.  She knows what is going on and pays the rage and anger no attention.  She is able to see past  that and know it is mania.

No therapist, rage unrestrained and in text messages: which is worse, text or phone talk or even face to face.

I say, if it is a family  member, neither is the best way.  Just find a therapist or a rock and shout what you need to.  Go someplace where there is an echo and you will hear what you were about to say to someone you love.  To someone that your words have the potential to hurt not only their feelings but the relationship and there goes another one, another relationship.  Hopefully mom will understand.

Maybe by some small chance mom understands  a little about bipolar and knows that rage is part of your mania.  Still, she will only take so much.

What about your siblings that don’t understand?  They are more than will to kick your ass for disrespecting mom.  Illness, what illness.

Maybe you used the same person as a frustrated screaming board, one time to many.  Let’s face it, they do not know what is going on (most of the people we know), at least not in my family.

What do you do when you cannot control your rage and people you love are getting the brunt end of it, especially mom/ dad.

How do you handle the rage in general?

It sneaks up on me and I begin to think bipolar is something made up and that I am really just a bitch.  (excuse the language) I begin to think, I really am this mean.  The other side of me says, you are sick and people just do not know, understand or rather say you disrespectful.

So, any answers: 1. Can and how do you control your rage?

2. Is your rage purposely directed at the person you are anger with or just a substitute

3. Has the relationship taken a beating

4. Have any of your relationships been permanently destroyed.

Here is a new one:  does someone think you just want attention?  That you are a drama person?    WTH