Oh Boy

I did it this time.

It seems as though my mother always seem to get the brunt end of my manic rages unless by chance I get to see the therapist.

Therapist.  Have not seen one in a while and that has proven to be a big mistake.  Instead of taking frustration out on mom, could have put all that anger and rage to the therapist.  She knows what is going on and pays the rage and anger no attention.  She is able to see past  that and know it is mania.

No therapist, rage unrestrained and in text messages: which is worse, text or phone talk or even face to face.

I say, if it is a family  member, neither is the best way.  Just find a therapist or a rock and shout what you need to.  Go someplace where there is an echo and you will hear what you were about to say to someone you love.  To someone that your words have the potential to hurt not only their feelings but the relationship and there goes another one, another relationship.  Hopefully mom will understand.

Maybe by some small chance mom understands  a little about bipolar and knows that rage is part of your mania.  Still, she will only take so much.

What about your siblings that don’t understand?  They are more than will to kick your ass for disrespecting mom.  Illness, what illness.

Maybe you used the same person as a frustrated screaming board, one time to many.  Let’s face it, they do not know what is going on (most of the people we know), at least not in my family.

What do you do when you cannot control your rage and people you love are getting the brunt end of it, especially mom/ dad.

How do you handle the rage in general?

It sneaks up on me and I begin to think bipolar is something made up and that I am really just a bitch.  (excuse the language) I begin to think, I really am this mean.  The other side of me says, you are sick and people just do not know, understand or rather say you disrespectful.

So, any answers: 1. Can and how do you control your rage?

2. Is your rage purposely directed at the person you are anger with or just a substitute

3. Has the relationship taken a beating

4. Have any of your relationships been permanently destroyed.

Here is a new one:  does someone think you just want attention?  That you are a drama person?    WTH

 

 

 

 

Can we talk

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The “M” word and the “H” word that goes with it,

at least it does for me.

The “M” being Mania.

The “H” being Hyper-sexual.

When I am manic, I get very hyper-sexual.   If I am not paying attention to my thoughts, by the time I realize what is happening, I am already in the danger zone: the uncontrollable, impulsive, exciting, zone that comes with mania.  My mania.

I cannot and dare not  say we all experience all the same feelings and behavior as everyone else with bipolar.

This I do know.  I am not alone in this risky behavior.  Although I do not know anyone else, I do know that there are others who go through this only later to be embarrassed by the deeds we did when in this state of mind.

Each time it comes around, I take more and more chances with no thought of consequences.  You see, everything that we once agreed were logical becomes illogical and senseless to me and that which I once thought was illogical now become logical to me.  Because my brain now tells me everything is reverse in my thinking, why would there be negative consequences?

Mania is as if my brain lifts and shifts to the front of the lobe where impulsiveness is now the ruler of my mind and my actions.

I came to the conclusion today that when my mind is focusing on something else for a period of time, I have no idea what is going on until I am inviting strangers to my house.  I am talking about men that I meet online.  Before I know it, it is another and another.  Always a different one.  I realize that this dating site is merely a pick up site and now it is a hunting ground for me.

Time would escape me and days were now weeks in my sick mind.  When I did not hear from the same man in a short period of time, I would get very irate and let him know it because he should have called sooner, my brain says.  Later, when no longer manic, I realize what I thought was weeks  were only days and months had only been weeks. It seemed as though i had lived  for months this way only to later realize it had not been that long at all.

I would get wasted at night because I had no new emails from the site thinking no one else was interested.   One night I was so wasted I sent a nasty text to this one guy (I did not know even remember what the text said when he called to confront me moments after I must have hit the send button.

I would go out of town to meet someone for the first time and not tell my family or friends where I was going.  I told one person the first time I left town.  I gave very little information and thought nothing of spending the night at a stranger’s house the first day we met.

When my brain shifts again and goes back to well, I am disgusted by my actions and vow to not repeat those actions.

I usually tell my therapist most of what goes on, but you never tell anyone everything.  You keep a little part of every story hidden from others, including yourself.

 The memories of the things I did come back at a later time and I am very upset and disgusted in the pit of my stomach with myself.  I know this is not the normal me.  I am not perfect but there are some things I normally would not do.

My therapist reminds me this is part of the illness.  I must try to remember it so I can try to self check my thoughts and movements a little better. Mostly, I try to remember it is part of the illness so that I do not get so disgusted with myself that I do not confront it.

Will I never experience hyper-sexuality again?  I honestly do not know.

I might not or it might continue as a seasonal sequel that takes a rest during certain months.

 

love to all and hopefully not judged

 

 

 

Thankful for day of reckoning comments

Thank you all for your comments on the Day of Reckoning post.

It is good to know that I am not alone in what I experience when mania or depression is at bay.

I was beginning to think I was this horrible person that no one wanted to be around.  Even though some have distanced themselves from me becasue of incidents during these bipolar episodes, others understand and remain supportive and love me through them. They don’t like what happens but they realize it is not intentional.  I thank God for these supportive people.

Now I know, that I am not that horrible person I had begun to believe myself to be.

I now know because of the feedback I have received from all of you, that the real me is the person I am when not manic or depressed. I am not an impulsive, mean spirited person by nature.  It is when the ugly side of bipolar is at work front and center.  It is when the chemicals are really out of whack and I must be attentive to the changes in my own behavior.

This task is sometimes easier said than done.  Sometimes the change is so rapid that I do not have time to notice the change and before I know it, I am in impulse mode, saying and doing things I normally would think twice about.  By the time I realize what I have done, it is sometimes to late to repair the damage.

In some areas I have learned impulse control and in other areas I still struggle.  I am still a work in progress and will always be a work in progress as I learn different ways to handle the mania and depression episodes and the impulses that lead to paths of destruction.

I feel that this blog provides me with an online support system.  Thank you.

love to all

pb aka peanut butter

Crashing waves

 

That is how I feel right now.

Woke up around 3 am.  Feeling wide awake, refreshed and pretty good.

 

As time passed and I started working on various projects and thinking about certain things, frustration interrupted and now I am just plain angry.

 

I feel like waves are crashing all around in my mind.

Waves crashing on the Puget Sound
Waves crashing on the Puget Sound (Photo credit: mikeyskatie)

I don’t know exactly when the change started but it seems like it might have been with seeing photos and missing out on certain people in my life growing up.

Is this part of my bipolar?  If so, it seems as though photos are a trigger for me.  Stirring up something that is already inside.  Anger.  It doesn’t just stop at being made, it climbs to rage if I don’t get a grip. The rage causes me to want to isolate because I tend to fly way off the handle and throw the handle at whoever is in my path.

The mood shift starts out like induced labor pains.  First you feel a little, then bam.  No in between.  Just slight then all out pain.  Just a little annoyed then, all out rage that makes you feel like you are going to explode.

Despite this, in my heart, I have purposed to have an awesome day.  I am not going to let this rage get out of control.  I know not to drive when I feel like this, so I am thankful it is still early in the am before anything is open for where I would want to go.

I hate isolating myself but I feel it is for the good of those I care about, plus I get tired of making apologies.  After awhile no one believes me anyway.  At least I don’t think they do.  I do know I get tired of going back and trying to clean up my mess.

I get enraged and speed without care, I get reckless in action behind and out from under the steering wheel including loaded text messages.  Then people alienate themselves from me.  You almost have to shut me down and stay away for your own safety.

Anyone ever experience this rage before, leading up to or during mania or depression?

I know it has to be a part of my manic-depression because it doesn’t build and it takes to long to subside if I don’t get a handle on it early on.

That is why my writing may seem like rambling right now.

pb aka peanut butter

 

 

 

Hmmmmmm. What about the other people?

Former logo
Former logo (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Do you ever wonder about other people: if they have bipolar?  You know you it.  You know your triggers and what happens.  You know your mania and your depression.  Can you tell it for sure if you see it in others?

Some people that I meet and have conversations with or have worked with (looking back now), makes me wonder, if they have bipolar.  I no longer see them, so I don’t know if it was just something they were going through.  I remember certain people who would just lash out at me verbally and I would not even have a chance to defend myself.  They would lash out some accusation that I did something to make them feel a certain way, when clearly, that was not the intent.  Either I would do something or say something that I normally did and one day they would flip the script and just lash out.  Pretty much like I do when I’m extremely irritable because I’m mainc or heading toward full blown mania.

Some other things they did that I do or used to do before I started treatment.  I don’t know, but do you ever wonder if someone from your past or your present has bipolar and doesn’t know it?  Maybe not even bipolar, maybe they suffer from depression or some other mood disorder?

They see something different in us.  The way we respond or react at times to a situation we reacted or responded to differently on a previous occasion.  The unpredictable behavior.  The erratic behavior, the mood swings: one minute lovey-dovey, the next day “just leave me .. alone.

I once dated a guy who said, I never know what I’m coming home to.  He meant how my mood was going to be.  Now that I look back, I did not know either and I still never know how my mood is going to be.  I don’t know when it is going to shift, but I have learned to be on the watch for clues by checking in with myself.

A good friend recently told me that sometimes I too fast and it makes people think I am rushing them.  She reminded me that sometimes I say, “I have all this energy” and that is when I am moving about really fast.

That was good insight on her part and now a clue for me for mania.  When I feel like I have a lot of energy, that really is my mania when I think about it.  That is when I get a lot done in a short period of time.  I am most productive.  Talk a mile a minute and finish up projects that had been started.

Thank God for good friends who tell you what they see and you can use that as a tool to check-in with yourself.

be good to you

love to all

pb aka peanut butter

Trying to deal with mental health stigma

People are all the same is one aspect:  We fear what we do not understand.  Mental illness is no exception.  Some of us never give it a thought until it hits home.  It could be that we ourselves are diagnosed with some time of mental disorder or someone we know.  But, for most of us, if we are honest, don’t give it a second thought until we come face to face with it or hear of someone we know who is dealing with it.

A little knowledge can go a long way.  In the next few posts I will be sharing some false and true facts about bipolar and depression.  The information is taken from a pamphlet from Depression and Bipolar Support Alliance: http://www.DBSAlliance.org.

1. Myth: Depression and bipolar disorder are just states of mind.  A person just needs “think positive” and they will will go away.

Fact: Depression and bipolar disorder (also known as manic depression) are real, treatable illnesses that affect the brain.  They can’t be overcome by “snapping out of it.”  Asking someone to “think positive” is like asking someone with diabetes to change his or her blood sugar level by thinking about it.  People with mood disorders can feel better with the right treatment.

I find this fact to be very true for me.  I have been told to think positive or that I can talk myself out of feeling a certain way.  Before being diagnosed with bipolar, I was diagnosed with clinical depression and was told I needed to be put on anti-depressants.  I fought against it for a long time until the therapist gave me the following analogy: taking medication for depression is like a diabetic taking insulin for his/her sugar.  She explained to me that I had a chemical imbalance in my brain and that the medication would help stabilize me.  She went on to say that the brain shoots out neurotransmitters from one side of the brain to the other.  That controls our emotions as well as how we respond to situations.  When we have a shortage of those chemicals in our brain it means that they are being shot to the other side but some are being sucked back in to the side they originated from or they are shot across but don’t make it all the way, thus causing a shortage on the other side.  This causes us to react to a situation instead of responding.  That made a lot of sense to me, so I started taking the medication.

neurotransmitter picture neurotransmitter

Unfortunately or fortunately, depending on a persons’ viewpoint, I went off the meds a few years later and got worse.   My behavior got worse.  Not just depressed but then I would just get euphoric for no reason, to the extreme.  I would stay up half the night writing out business plans.  I was like the energizer bunny.  I kept going and going and going at whatever I was doing.  If I shopped, I just kept shopping.  If I drank, I kept drinking until I passed out or the booze was gone, whichever came first.  I did a lot of things I am not proud of, but I share with you, hoping it will help you or a loved one understand our bipolar behavior a little better.  Without treatment our behavior can and will at times get out of control, sometimes to a dangerous level.

What I did not realize is that I had always been up and down to the extreme end of the pole since I was a teenager.  Once I was diagnosed with bipolar and began to look into it more, I saw a pattern over the years and I knew it was true: that and the same diagnosis with 6 different assessments at 3 different places.

So, the next time someone says, “Just snap out of it” or “you just need to think positive” (like you choose to walk around thinking negative all the time or choose to be depressed all the time), explain to them, you have a chemical imbalance in your brain and give them the analogy about diabetics.

Hope this helps.  BTW, if you have any questions feel free to drop me an e-mail at mybipolarworld52@gmail.com.  Love to hear from you.

love to all as always,

pb aka peanut butter

Let’s talk Mania

On the bipolar pole at one end is depression and the other is mania.  For wellness, we strive to be in the middle, although we already know at some point in time we may go to one side more than the other and then reverse.

 

Mania is known to be the highs and lows of bipolar. There is less need for sleep.  We run off of seemingly endless adrenaline. We have racing thoughts.  We jump subject to subject and sometimes our conversation is too much for people.

 

English: stunt mania
English: stunt mania (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

At the extreme, we engage in reckless behavior.  I tend to speed, not as much anymore.  When I recognize I am in mania mode, my number one rule in my tool box for wellness is not to drive and not to shop.  When my mania was out of control and I was working, I would go on spending sprees.  Make up any excuse to shop.  Sometimes I would end up with two of the same outfits and wear neither one.  The tags would still be on them when I would look in my closet.

 

I could not sleep.  Taking over the counter sleeping pills did nothing. I would still wake up every hour or two.  Take another pill and try once again to sleep through the night but to no avail.

 

Business ideas would come one right after another.  They well thought out on paper and planned with high energy and just knowing that they would work out.

 

Then the crash would come.  I would bypass mainstream normal and drop to depression.

 

Getting the help I needed and still need in order to maintain wellness, was the best thing I ever did for myself.  Mania is tiring for me and the people around me at the time.

 

It is so important to get to know when you are entering a manic episode or storm as I call them.  Knowing gives you time to reach into your toolbox (that I hope you have) and force yourself to do the things or get the help you need before you go to the end of the pole in either direction.

 

love to all pb

 

Surviving the different storms of bipolar

I now consider it a storm when I am manic or depressed. I thought I just about had it managed and then I started having mixed episodes, paranoia and hallucinations.  Still a storm but it was more like a hurricane.  I felt like my life was turned upside down.  I had no idea how I was going to react to anything or anyone.

For a while I would be even keel and having a good time.  Then it seemed like someone turned on a switch on in me and I started getting sad.  Then I became extremely anxious.

I took my anxiety medication and was calm for a period of time.  Then in the store, the switch was turned on and I became irritated and enraged, to the point I wanted to hurt the first person who said something to me.  No matter what it was it pissed me off and I was inches away from hurting them.  It was at the gas station and because I walked past them and did not hit them, I was still in the danger zone.  I waited for a moment for them to leave the store so I could ram their car.  But fortunately for them and by the grace of God, I did not see them.  Yet , I knew I was in trouble.  This was my rage and I could not escape it.

Thanks to my wellness toolkit plan, not to drive when manic, well I had no choice.  I could not stay at the gas station.  So I drove slow and safe to someone’s house that I knew and stayed until I calmed down.  Fortunately they were not home, so I was there alone.  That was the end of my outside day.   I and the people I would meet had I stayed or gone back out, were safe for the rest of the day.  This was a really bad storm.

Content with the day, then very anxious which turned to extreme irritation and ultimately rage.  It is tiring and frustrating.  Some days, I don’t even bother to go out depending on how I feel when I get up.

I just wish the people in my life would understand, it is not something I can control.  It is a chemical imbalance in my brain.  I cannot control these mood swings and reactions any more than a diabetic can control the amount of insulin their body naturally produces.