I need love to mom

silhouette of mother kissing her daughter


Why did you leave me not once but twice?

Did you think I could handle it better as an adult?

Guess what mom?

There is no difference in the pain.

Reluctantly, you told me you would be leaving town for a few days

and would let me know when.

You did leave, but you did not tell me

Sneaking  out of town to be with the child to whom

I  do not exist

There was a family gathering while you were there

Everyone was there except one


I was the uninvited guest that no one missed

I know you love all others but what don’t you love me.

Am I so unworthy that you would just leave me here alone.


Please pray God take this pain and anger away

We will never have the same relationship that was already frail

But this goes beyond, accepting an apology I will never get

It destroys what little trust I had left.

I need to let you know I have never known in this life what

being loved feels like from a family of a parent and sibling.

I was told I was part of that family

When will it be done

When will I be another one of your children that you see doing no wrong

After all is said and done, maybe I do not know how to receive love.

Do you think that is it?



Oh Boy

I did it this time.

It seems as though my mother always seem to get the brunt end of my manic rages unless by chance I get to see the therapist.

Therapist.  Have not seen one in a while and that has proven to be a big mistake.  Instead of taking frustration out on mom, could have put all that anger and rage to the therapist.  She knows what is going on and pays the rage and anger no attention.  She is able to see past  that and know it is mania.

No therapist, rage unrestrained and in text messages: which is worse, text or phone talk or even face to face.

I say, if it is a family  member, neither is the best way.  Just find a therapist or a rock and shout what you need to.  Go someplace where there is an echo and you will hear what you were about to say to someone you love.  To someone that your words have the potential to hurt not only their feelings but the relationship and there goes another one, another relationship.  Hopefully mom will understand.

Maybe by some small chance mom understands  a little about bipolar and knows that rage is part of your mania.  Still, she will only take so much.

What about your siblings that don’t understand?  They are more than will to kick your ass for disrespecting mom.  Illness, what illness.

Maybe you used the same person as a frustrated screaming board, one time to many.  Let’s face it, they do not know what is going on (most of the people we know), at least not in my family.

What do you do when you cannot control your rage and people you love are getting the brunt end of it, especially mom/ dad.

How do you handle the rage in general?

It sneaks up on me and I begin to think bipolar is something made up and that I am really just a bitch.  (excuse the language) I begin to think, I really am this mean.  The other side of me says, you are sick and people just do not know, understand or rather say you disrespectful.

So, any answers: 1. Can and how do you control your rage?

2. Is your rage purposely directed at the person you are anger with or just a substitute

3. Has the relationship taken a beating

4. Have any of your relationships been permanently destroyed.

Here is a new one:  does someone think you just want attention?  That you are a drama person?    WTH





Who can live with a person with bipolar?

The tears started to flow for no reason.  I know this type of crying is because of the bipolar.  It’s the one where you cry and cry for no reason, the tears will not stop despite what you do to distract yourself and you have that gnawing feeling in the pit of your stomach.  The one you cannot explain so people can understand.

I lit a candle to help focus on the flame as it appeared to dance for my pleasure, to make me stop crying and smile.  As the balloon with the saying I love floated toward the ceiling,  even that was trying to amuse me.

Neither worked very long.

Was it because I had a trigger earlier?  I was doing fine going about my morning routine and keeping track of time to make sure I did not miss my next med.  I sat down to do some paperwork and out of nowhere I started crying.  Try as hard as I might, the tears would not stop.  They were in control.

The trigger:  the continual thought living alone because of my mental illness.  That absolutely no one under any circumstance would want to deal with the “drama of bipolar” as I was told.  My answer was, true, but what do you think about the person that has to live with it everyday.

The sad truth that the only person that can tolerate living with me and my mood swings is someone who has them also.

The thought of this makes me ask God why do I have this love to give and no one to give it to, it does not seem fair.

A  man that I  was interested in (briefly) stated no one wanted to deal with drama of bipolar.  My comment: how do you think the person living with bipolar feels.  He had no answer.

Most people have their own thinking about mental illness do not want to date and sometimes do not want to have us as friends..Their loss, we are super people with a lot to contribute to this world.

Getting back to the question: Who can live with a person with  bipolar.  I don’t know.  So far I have not met anyone that wants a relationship with me (a companion)

Perhaps, I am meeting them  when I am manic and that may be the drama the man was speaking about.  Maybe I am telling them to soon about being bipolar


What am I doing wrong?

Does love come to people with bipolar?  Not the stars we  hear about on t.v. or see in the movies. But people who do not live in the limelight?

For anyone with a companion:  what advice do offer?  Is it a stable relationship?  Tell me what you can.

Am I doing it wrong or am I in all the wrong places?


Seeking love.







Is this normal or is it bipolar?

I was talking to a new friend I was interested in getting to know better.

We would have very long phone conversations and then he would start sharing some of his observations about me.

He kept saying, I (being me) don’t know what I want.  On just about every occasion he said this, I took offense.

Lately, having more time with my thoughts (I hate those moments), I realize he is right.

One minute I am destined to move to a certain state.  I begin to make preparations by looking for housing, jobs, vocational resources for people with disability, active housing for 55 plus, etc and then I do not want to move.  Decision made.  Right? I go back and forth with this for months only to make a decision at the last moment (usually end up not moving) and then I am up and down for the next 12 mos.

Another: I want a serious relationship (meet the love of my life and we are together till death do us part) or maybe a semi-serious relationship, we are exclusive but do not live together.  Maybe, I just want to date the same person, but nothing serious (whatever that really means).  I can’t decide what the hell I want.  Do I even want to be in a relationship or friends with benefits. What The Hell.  How hard should it be to figure that out.  What the hell am I doing on a dating site when I don’t know the answer.  I just kept changing what I am looking for.  Gee.  wonder why I don’t get any hits.

Sometimes I feel so lonely and alone that I truly believe having a significant other will make all the difference and then there are days when I am so restless I am at the Speedway gas station 3 or 4 am for coffee and I just know I cannot have a real relationship if this is what I am driven to do at times.  Driven.

Here’s another.  There are times when sex (remember I am very single and live very alone and no relationship- dammit) is needed a lot.  It’s not that I purposely think about it. My body just craves it.  It becomes almost like a drug.

Has anyone else or does anyone else experience this?  This is not a once in a lifetime thing.  It happens several times throughout the year.   I mean, one time I invited this guy to my home I only met once.  What the???? That is definitely not me.  One time I was going through so bad, I thought, wow, this dating site is a gold mine.  I can just pick someone off the site like going through the yellow pages and calling for a plumber.

Sometimes, I think I am really unbalanced mentally. But wait.  Isn’t that what mental illness is or is it not?

Most of the time confident in who I am, sometimes at very important times, not confident at all.  Stinking thinking wins the battle.  I am the most “un” person alive.

Is this the mental illness war?

Upside down emotional day

Tuesday was a really crazy day and so was Wednesday.

Each day I got up feeling okay.  No problems.  Was not upset about anything nor was I unusually happy about anything.  I really was not feeling anything other than average.

I went through the morning feeling even keel.

Then in the afternoon without warning, everything in me changed.  The calmness turned into a raging storm.  I was angry about nothing or everything.  I really do not know.  What I do know is that it seemed like my rage was aimed at everyone and everything.

People were annoying no matter what they were doing, whether I had interaction with them or not.

It took my therapist an hour to calm me down on Tuesday only for me to get angry and enraged again on the way home.   Wednesday I entered the office very angry again.

I knew both days that this was a dangerous state of mind and I could not be around family or friends as long as it continued.  This was the type of behavior (rage) I decided in the summer that was cause for me to be alone.  I do not necessarily have to stay in the house and hibernate but I do not talk with family or friends.  I tend to leave a mess when I am in this state of mania.

Normally mania starts out with me feeling high on life and starting a lot of new projects at one time and then evolves into irritability for no reason.  Mania does not seem to be following this pattern the last couple of times and it is more frustrating than normal.

I hate being angry whether there is an apparent reason or not.  I am not usually an angry person.  Usually I try to spread joy and laughter wherever I go.  I know it sounds cliche but I really do.  Someone has to and I get a kick out of being the one that does it.  I love being silly and goofy if it makes people laugh.  I love being energetic and encouraging people.  People keep telling me my laugh and energy are infectious.

When I am going through the anger storm, people annoy me and can do nothing right.  I get on my own nerves and annoy myself.  🙂

The good thing is that it does not last long.  I put myself in time out until I can treat people nice again including myself.

Today was not as bad but still going through different emotions.

I was fine until I got dressed.  I was dressed with no place to go today.  Then I realized I had no place I needed to be for the next few days.   Bummer.  Sadness peeked in along with loneliness.

I put on music and sang loud while doing chair exercises.  I was upstairs then downstairs, then upstairs, then downstairs again.  I did this a few time trying to decide what to next.  Finally I gave in and decided to go to the library.  Where else would I go?

I changed my clothes so I would feel better about my appearance (even though I was not meeting anyone- another bummer) and got out of the house as soon as I could.

So here I am.  Not as bored but making up things to do so I don’t have to face loneliness for too long when I finally go home.

I am happy to say that last night ebnded on a good note.  The therapist pointed out as usual, how I am when I am manic.  When I come to her office I am ranting and raving and being a smart a..  By now she knows this is part of my mania and does not bother her.  It never did but now she injects humor and makes me laugh.

I also subject jump.  Now we have a system worked out for that.  I have to say, subject jump before I start on another subject.  This helps to keep me in the moment and aware when I am about to change subjects.  This awareness does not stop me from doing it but it does give the other person warning so they can follow better.  It is something happens naturally when I am manic because my mind jumps all over the place from thought to thought very rapidly.

Mania continues to have its ups an downs and sometimes I step into the darkness but I don’t stay as long as I did before.  I still hate walking in those dark places even for a moment, but I realize it is the illness and not part of the real me.  Life is grand, but mental illness is a b….!

love to all,

thanks for reading

pb: Persistently trying to stay out of the dark places and trying not to make a mess with relationships when manic.  I cannot guarantee anything, I can only try to work through the madness.

No worries

No Worries:

That’s what someone says to me when things are not going so well and they try to make the best of the situation.

It would be nice to be able to say that after a manic episode.  It seems as though, we may have no worries at that moment when our behavior or attitude is less desirable.  Unfortunately, it seems as though we are cleaning up messes made during times of mania.

Does anyone else have to clean up messes after an episode of mania?  Maybe with a family member, friend, co-worker or even a neighbor you have become friends with over the years?

Has it cost you a friendship, relationship with a family member or maybe even a job?

On the other hand, do family members or close family friends seem to be a trigger for your mania or anxiety?

What is one to do?

Please share your manic episode mess experience.  Who was it with, what happened and were you able to clean up the mess or did it cost you something.

We continue to learn from each other.

love to all,

pb aka peanut butter

Persistently Pursuing my Passion to be a Peer Supporter

Everyone needs a hand up and a true listening ear.

Purpose to have an awesome day.

Is it me or mania

The last couple of weeks have been kind of challenging.

The irritability started ever so slightly that I did not notice is was there.  It started climbing and rearing its ugly head more and more each day but only in the late afternoon until early evening.

I have not felt this way in so long, I wondered if it was me or bipolar mania.  Since I was okay in the early part of the day and totally not okay in the latter part, I began to wonder: then I realized it was the mania.

When I am manic I feel it in my arms. It is a strong force that feels as though it is consuming me.  No one including me knows how it is going to go.  Bipolar- different ends of the spectrum.  I could go on the end of funny where it seems as though my tickle box fell over and there was no way to close it.  I would be in fun city and made sure I was only around others who enjoyed a good laugh.  I never know how I will be entertaining myself or others.

The mania does eventually go to the other end of the spectrum where rage takes over.  When I notice this, usually because I have made a relationship mess, I feel as though I need to isolate myself but I do not, I can not.  When I take a day to isolate, it becomes easier to be alone the next day and the next. Eventually I find I do not want to go out of the house and then depression takes over.

It is part of my mental health maintenance plan to get out of the house everyday, regardless.  I try to stay away from people that are a trigger for me.  When I am manic and around them, the mania is worse.

I realized that when I see my therapist while I am in high mania toddling  between funny and angry, it is not a good thing for me.  When I leave the office I am more manic and have a strong desire to go party, to go look for trouble.  Fortunately, I have been able to avoid following through with a plan to do so.  However, I now know, do not go when manic.  Just another nugget to put in my toolbox.

During both mania and depression, I need to spend the greatest amount of time with positive and supportive people.  I feed off this and it lets me know someone is there to help me through the storm.

So, when manic: I feel free, like a different me.  I feel like Jekyll and Hyde.  I can be even keel, then everything is funny and I want to be entertaining.  I have so many ideas that I cannot keep up with putting them down on paper.  I become more argumentative and sensitive than usual.  The other end, the not so pleasant side is the rage side.  It sometimes causes a rift in relationships and has cost me my job in past.  Mania behavior also makes me not like who I am.  When I start beating myself up, I remember it is the mania and  keep it moving.

Stinking thinking comes front and center in manic episodes.  In the past, it would really do a number on me and would eventually lead me into the camp of depression.  Now I recognize it more and have learned to decipher fact from fiction in the majority of cases.

I have not learned to recognize the begging symptoms yet and still struggle a bit with stinking thinking and therefore must keep a watchful eye on the beginning of mania and try to ward it off is possible.

Rage is in a category by itself.  By the time I feel rage, it is too late to stop it.  It usually comes right on the heel of or overlaps mania.

What is your mania like?  Do the things you do when manic cause you to ask yourself if it is mania or just you?  How do you handle your mania?  Is your mania followed by depression?  I would really like to know.

love to all,

pb aka peanut butter

t me know.