Tuesday was a really crazy day and so was Wednesday.
Each day I got up feeling okay. No problems. Was not upset about anything nor was I unusually happy about anything. I really was not feeling anything other than average.
I went through the morning feeling even keel.
Then in the afternoon without warning, everything in me changed. The calmness turned into a raging storm. I was angry about nothing or everything. I really do not know. What I do know is that it seemed like my rage was aimed at everyone and everything.
People were annoying no matter what they were doing, whether I had interaction with them or not.
It took my therapist an hour to calm me down on Tuesday only for me to get angry and enraged again on the way home. Wednesday I entered the office very angry again.
I knew both days that this was a dangerous state of mind and I could not be around family or friends as long as it continued. This was the type of behavior (rage) I decided in the summer that was cause for me to be alone. I do not necessarily have to stay in the house and hibernate but I do not talk with family or friends. I tend to leave a mess when I am in this state of mania.
Normally mania starts out with me feeling high on life and starting a lot of new projects at one time and then evolves into irritability for no reason. Mania does not seem to be following this pattern the last couple of times and it is more frustrating than normal.
I hate being angry whether there is an apparent reason or not. I am not usually an angry person. Usually I try to spread joy and laughter wherever I go. I know it sounds cliche but I really do. Someone has to and I get a kick out of being the one that does it. I love being silly and goofy if it makes people laugh. I love being energetic and encouraging people. People keep telling me my laugh and energy are infectious.
When I am going through the anger storm, people annoy me and can do nothing right. I get on my own nerves and annoy myself. 🙂
The good thing is that it does not last long. I put myself in time out until I can treat people nice again including myself.
Today was not as bad but still going through different emotions.
I was fine until I got dressed. I was dressed with no place to go today. Then I realized I had no place I needed to be for the next few days. Bummer. Sadness peeked in along with loneliness.
I put on music and sang loud while doing chair exercises. I was upstairs then downstairs, then upstairs, then downstairs again. I did this a few time trying to decide what to next. Finally I gave in and decided to go to the library. Where else would I go?
I changed my clothes so I would feel better about my appearance (even though I was not meeting anyone- another bummer) and got out of the house as soon as I could.
So here I am. Not as bored but making up things to do so I don’t have to face loneliness for too long when I finally go home.
I am happy to say that last night ebnded on a good note. The therapist pointed out as usual, how I am when I am manic. When I come to her office I am ranting and raving and being a smart a.. By now she knows this is part of my mania and does not bother her. It never did but now she injects humor and makes me laugh.
I also subject jump. Now we have a system worked out for that. I have to say, subject jump before I start on another subject. This helps to keep me in the moment and aware when I am about to change subjects. This awareness does not stop me from doing it but it does give the other person warning so they can follow better. It is something happens naturally when I am manic because my mind jumps all over the place from thought to thought very rapidly.
Mania continues to have its ups an downs and sometimes I step into the darkness but I don’t stay as long as I did before. I still hate walking in those dark places even for a moment, but I realize it is the illness and not part of the real me. Life is grand, but mental illness is a b….!
love to all,
thanks for reading
pb: Persistently trying to stay out of the dark places and trying not to make a mess with relationships when manic. I cannot guarantee anything, I can only try to work through the madness.