Lately, I go to bed anywhere between 2 and 4 am. I usually have to force myself to lay down. My body is tired but my mind is racing.
I lay down and get up and lay down and get up. I do not know how often I repeat this ritual before I finally doze off. It is never for long. I look at the clock and cannot believe it has only been 20- 30 minutes. As many times as I try to stay asleep my mind will not have it.
Every morning I roll over for the final time since I laid down and I ask God what is wrong with me. I know something is wrong but I cannot figure it out.
I fall and cannot move, I am alone. I have seizures, I am alone. My bed is cold and empty and I do not want to be there alone any more, but I am.
It seems as though I am always alone except for periods of time I spend with an amazing friend of mine. No judgement, no holds barred on topics, laughter, crying, being silly and lots of chocolate. Best time of the day, everyday.
Every good thing comes to an end sooner or later. Temporarily or permanently. I hope this is one of those good things that last for a while. It is all I have to enjoy right now.
My relationship with some family members have always seemed foreign to me. By that I mean, I have always felt I was on the outside of the family dynamics I was born into, but never really felt like I was a part of it. I know this is considered stinking thinking but it has been with me so long that I forever believe it.
I know I am loved in my head, but never in my heart. I can never remember what it felt like to be embraced as a child, although I surely must have been.
According to the standard of others I am no longer motivated, ambitious or I am a lazy thinker and will quickly say, I do not know how to do something. It has been said to me that I do not have confidence in who I am.
Why judge me according to your standards?
I am still motivated and ambitious. You just cannot see them because you have not realized I have changed.
end of part 1