The last few months have been strange but I know it is the illness.
The morning and the early afternoon I am even keel and zany. My normal zany, just making people laugh. Sometimes my tickle box falls over and I keep laughing. But this is normal for me.
Toward the late afternoon and into the evening everything changes. I am irritable and cranky which leads to anger and then rage. I am angry about everything and nothing, everyone and no one. I cannot explain it. My therapist reminds me this is the manic part of the illness.
I am used to being manic all day for days and then even keel. This is even more illogical than usual for mania. I don’t understand it. How can I be even keel and fine in the morning and the switch goes off later in the day. It happens this way everyday for months.
Even more than those changes, when this happens and I am alone, I go through the dark places again. I don’t do everything I did last time but I am still walking through some areas of darkness. It does not matter if it is some areas or every area. It is a darkness I hate because they are things, places, activities and behavior I normally despise. I know this is not the true me, but the mania drives me.
My brain shifts and the impulsive part comes to the front. The part that does not think of consequences, other people or even self, seems to be front and center. No matter how I try to make it shift back, it refuses to comply and stays. It is the ruler. I feel like the real me disappears when this happens because when my brain shifts again and I remember what happen I say, Who the hell was that person.She was in my body but that is the only thing that was me.
Family, friends and acquaintances that see me on a regular basis do not recognize my behavior as me. Some of them do not realize it is my mental illness because they do not know what mania does to me. Most of the time they do not refer to it as part of my illness. Some people just think I am going through a rebellious period. Come on now. I am a grown woman. Can we think of some other word to call it. Others just wave me off and think it is normal or I have changed on purpose.
My biggest fear is that people that met me when I was even keel will leave me when I become manic. They do not understand my behavior. Some decide they do not want to be around me either because of the behavior I am exhibiting or because they are afraid of being around with someone with a mental illness. I live with this fear when I begin to experience mania. I know there is very little I can do except to ride out the storm, to stay on the roller coaster until the ride ends. It is, what it is.
I wonder if I am doomed to be alone, not be in a romantic relationship for the rest of my life. I get up every morning and just keep it moving. When the thought comes to mind, I give it a second, not a minute, but a second and then I move on. I have to live and not worry about that. I keep telling myself, if it happens, it happens, but that is a crock. I want it to happen but of course I cannot make it happen.
Honey, where are you? 🙂 Oh well, I guess he is not here yet. He will catch up with me at some point. In the meantime, I just keep it moving.
pb: Love to all
Persistent pursing the best things life has for me that I are within my capabilities of obtaining.