Feel the fury…

 

My mom abandoned me by just taking off and not letting me know.  It is as if secretly she wanted to be away from me.  I still feel betrayed and out of her family loop with 2 sons.051a51fee844998612098296a8dfacdf8d4618-wm

Is she running away from me?  Why did’t I know.  This has been in the plan for a while.

My brother is very angry with me and believes there is no further need for communication

It was alright with me because it did wonders for mystress level.  It declined so well I was slowly getting better.

It is not like my mom to just get and leave the state without telling me.

I know this trip was a plan in the mking for her not to tell me.  I no longer trust her.  It is almost as thought she abandoned me.

Knowing that to her, my youngest brother can do no harm.

It is okay to others in the family that he will curse you like a dog and then be everything is okay.  Well, it is not okay to me.  I don’take it anymore so I texted it to him.

Text messages tell what you are thinging and saying but not your tone or facial expression.

She adores my brother and he can do no wrong as far as he is concerned.  Many see there relationship and tell me “you can’t say nothing  bad around her about your brother.  Everyone sees it except her.

Some of my family is good at lying, bullying, manipulation, favorites among siblings (mine), taking sides but saying they are not involved and  narcissisticism.

I hate the secrets and lies, but that is never going to change.  I hate people not telling me something  because they think they know me and how I am going to react to something.  They make the decision that I do not want to know or that I do not care about what is going on.

Bipolar disorder does not define who I am.  The signs and symtoms just tell you what is wrong in my life.  Why I behave a certain way.  Know bipolar and know me.  They just don’t want to take the time to do it.  They have no interest.  They would rather label me as too blunt, do not care about anyone’s feeling but my own.  These are misconceptions or the way they interprest me.  All they need to do is ask if I am manic if they do  not know the symptoms.    Don’t judge me and label me as insensitive, help me learn how to cope with this illness just as you would any other illness.  I need help with this too.

I feel alone and angry.  Angry at her for leaving or abandoning me.  I feel alone and angry that no one seems to want to be in my life as a companion.  I am angry and feel alone because sometimes all that feeling alone and angry, takes me to rage.  Rage makes me feel I have to isolate and I hate that.  I feel alone when I am alone and get angry at the world including me.

Maybe you think there is nothing wrong with my brain and I am just a mean, spiteful person with and around my family only.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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Who knows how much.. you

I have been diagnosed with conversion disorder also known as non-epileptic spells and a few other names.  They all mean the same thing: medical symptoms with no underlying medical causes.  These incidents are usually brought on by stressful events, traumatic events or having a mental illness: anxiety, panic attacks, depression,ptsd and others.

By no means am I am expert but it is a fascinating illness and it is an illness.  You cannot control what happens to your mind or body and it is not your fault or in this case, it is not my fault.  It is nothing I did except that I cannot face the trauma in my past.  I cannot think about one traumatic event without a flood of them rushing to my mind.  If I do, I feel a click on the right temple of my head and immediately I can feel my body slowing down as if my batteries were winding down.

My brain begins to disconnect where I cannot think of words or sentences.  When words or sentences do formulate in my brain, it is hard to get them from the brain to the mouth and when I do it is with great difficulty.  It is hard for a lot of people to understand me.  Added to this episode is a panic or anxiety attack because I am embarrassed even though it is nothing to be embarrassed about.

Everyone has a pet peeve and mine is when someone says to me “You can do it”.  I know when it is too much going on in my head, no one else does.   Please don’t tell me what I can do unless you are prepared to expand upon that. Just because I have the capability to do something does not mean there is enough space in my head left to handle one more thing.

My other pet peeve is when someone says, ” just forget about it and move on” “You need to learn to let things go”. That is the answer they give when you try to talk about certain things that are still haunting you.  Things that you know you should have gotten over a long time ago but because your brain hid it from you, doesn’t mean it stays away for forever.  For instance,  something very ugly and traumatic happens to you regardless of age.  You feel disgusting, frustrated, unclean or however you choose. At first if you do not deal with it and push it away or attempt to, your brain closes the door on it for a period of time.

Now the brain says, let’s start remembering, but you are still not prepared.  You know something happened and may even know what occurred but still the front part of your brain is not ready to think or talk about it which means it still affects you in some way.  So please don’t tell me to forget what I cannot fully remember because a part of my brain says you are not ready for the whole ugly truth yet.

Who knows how much….. your brain can handle at one time, it doesn’t just have to be stress or trauma, maybe to many details about things that are important and must be done immediate.  Who knows how much trauma comes back  at one time.

A final thought.  If it is so easy to put the pass trauma behind and move on, who would hold onto it.  It affects so much of who we are, what we think of ourselves, how we cope with situations and for me, a lot of memory gaps.

I and only l know how much my brain can handle and no one else.

I have to know when to say enough. I can’t do anymore.

I have to protect what is an already fragile mind because part of it is permanently damaged.

Don’t let anyone push you more than your brain can handle and stay healthy.

Love to all

 

 

 

 

A great challenge

Everyday I wake up and thank God for waking me up and giving me another day.

I think the greatest challenge I have faced so far, is the challenge of controlling the rage I feel when I am manic.  I explain to people I will never be on the same anger level at the same time, feeling the same way.

When they are at annoyance, I am already at anger.  When they reach anger, I am already at rage much like going from mild David Banner to the incredible Hawk. The difference is that I will go after anyone in my path just because.

Everything I do when manic seems to be, “Just because”.  No reason(reasons) for my irritability, anger and rage.

Peace and serenity would be great to have when coming down from mania.  They do not seem to appear.  Rage like the incredible Hawk is what I get instead.

Once a person told me that there was nothing wrong with me.  They stated I did not need a psychiatrist.  I was at a low point and became confused.  What if this person was right and all this was just in my mind.

The next challenge is to block out what people say about me living with a mental illness is that they do not understand the changes they see in me are not my fault.  I cannot control the part of my brain that tells me the logical thing to do.  The challenge is to let the pain and anger go, that they don’t even try to understand..  There answer is that I am “in a mood” or tired.  When do I get to have my breakdown?  Yes, I am in a mood but you do not try to understand why, what is different about this mood.  They do not see the sadness that I try to hide the internal sadness or the pain that is on my face.

Of  course, the greatest challenge is living with this condition alone.  There is nothing anyone can do including me, to help prevent these episodes without leaning on medication.  Staying on a schedule to maintain the levels in my body is another challenge.

I have to know that something is wrong with my brain and it cannot be cured but it can be treated.

Forget the negative things people say and move on. You know who you are, don’t let anyone or another thing tell you you are different.

You are an amazing person>

You live with bipolar and survive everyday.

 

Tears, tears, go away today

I know tears are a way of relieving pain or can be an expression of joy.

For me, many times, it is just the bipolar having it’s way at the moment.

Lately, my moments seem to be very often and I am not feeling any relief.

Sometimes I am sitting in the library and I just want to cry.  Sometimes, the tears start filling my eyes and I have to stop and breathe in and out for a minute or two.  When this doesn’t work, I have to get off the computer and leave the library.  I know the floodgate is about to open.

Some days and nights I am okay with being alone and then I begin to cry because I believe this is the way it will always be.

I tell myself I have accepted being alone, but when storms hit my life, as it does everyone, it would be great to have someone to talk with, to reassure me they are there to listen, to encourage or to just be there without either of us saying a word.  Just hold me close and let me feel your heart beating.

Recently, some things happened in my life that I did not deal with.  I did not even realize it caused me to be under stress.  When I realized how critical the incidents were, I began to cry and cry for the last few days, including today.

Some say, rain, rain, go away, come again another day.

I say tears, tears of sadness, lonesomeness, deep yearning for love: tears, tears, go away today.

Who am I kidding?  Certainly not me.  The tears may leave for a moment.  Sometimes they may be a reaction to something sad or happy.

But I know that they are mainly because of the bipolar.  I can be in a room full of people or alone watching a comedy and I just start crying.  I go into the bathroom and cry when I am out in public.

Damn this f***ing disease.  I have a number of health issues, but I think this one is the b**ch of them all.

I have cried so much this month this far, that I have already gone through a month supply of anxiety pills.  It takes twice as much to bring me back to a functioning state of mind.

What the hell.  Am I not already suffering knowing my brain is sick and will always be.  Sometimes it seems sicker than at other times, but the truth is, the sickness is always there.   And as long as it is sick there will always be tears for no reason or out of no where.

I only wish, more than no tears, is that family and friends would not consider me overly sensitive and realize it is part of the mental illness disease I have to live with everyday.

Tears of bipolar, go away and take the agonizing pain with you.  O if it were that simple.

Fight

We have come a long way in treatment methods for people with mental illness.

Even though we have made great strides in treatment, stigma still surfaces and rears it ugly head.

How can it not?  Everything in society supports it: tv shows, movies and even the news makes sure we know when an incident involved someone with a mental illness.  How can we fight stigma when it stares us in the face almost everyday and why would we fight it?

First, I must fight it because I am SOMEBODY.  My name is Patricia and I am POSITIVELY POWERFUL AND PRECIOUS.  My name is not mental illness, nor is my name bipolar.  Bipolar is a medical condition of the brain called mental illness.  It is not something I control, although I can control responses to my symptoms (in my case, it is with medication, psychotherapy and taking care of me).  If I do not fight stigma, it becomes acceptable and it should NEVER be acceptable.  Once it becomes acceptable I am saying it is okay to call me out of my name, to treat me less than you and to devalue my life.  This will never be acceptable.  I am equal to all I come in contact with regardless of who they think they are.  We are all human beings.

Fighting stigma requires persistence.  It is not a one day battle and go home. It is ongoing.  People need to be educated to what mental illness really is and that it has no boundaries. Mental illness can and does happen in every family, whether it is in the immediate line or not.  Everyone needs to know stigma hurts, it degrades, it takes away hope of a better life from people struggling just to make it through the day one moment at a time.  We need to be vigilant in educating people, standing up for ourselves when called out of our name or treated as less than.  We can go to the rallies and stand with our peers as a united force for change.  Our politicians need to know we deserve better health care and more services to support us.  We are just as productive as everyone else.  We must advocate for ourselves and for those cannot.  We must band together.

Mental illness can be isolating but we don’t have to be alone.  We need to help each, support each other, encourage each other and advocate for each other.  We are brothers and sisters.  We are an connected: we just have not met yet.

There is so much we can do, but everyone with a mental illness has to get involved.  It is up to us because it is our life.

love to all

pb aka peanut butter