No one get to ….

I love this expression of determining and letting others know what they do and do not get to say or do that is acceptable to me.

People without a mental illness diagnosis, do not get to judge my actions, labeling them as they see it or according to their perceptions.  Just ask me, maybe then you will not judge, but understand.

People without a mental illness do not get to ignore me, treating me as though I am not there by talking  about me as if I do not exist.  No, they do not get to ignore me.  No one does.  I am a force to be seen and heard.  I am here.  You do not get the right to ignore me in word or deed.

No one gets to say I am not perfect because I have a mental illness.  Do they not know a person’s mental health has nothing to do with being perfect.

People do not get to say, I am not smart.  Who determines smart anyway?  Just because a subject does not hold my attention does not mean I am not smart. More than likely it is so boring, I do not care to contribute.   Just because a person has much to say does mean what they are saying is correct.

Get the point?

No one gets to say just anything to me or treat me any kind of way, nor I to them.  We all deserve respect.

As people living with an uninvited guest: bipolar, depression, schizophrenia or any other mood disorder, we do not and will not let anyone say what they want or do what they want.

Remember:  No one gets to……

What do people not get to say or do, where you stand?

 

 

Crying for no reason or because

Sometimes a thought will flicker in my mind just for a moment, but that moment seems like the thought has been there for a while.

It grips me for whatever reason I do not understand and I begin to cry.  The tears roll, my eyes are red and my nose will  not stop running.  My face is such that I cannot hide it.

Sometimes there seems there is no reason or rationality.  Maybe at that moment I was laughing about something or enjoying an activity.  Then I feel the pain in my heart.  Not a pain that medicine or the doctor can fix: it is the pain of crying welling up on the inside beginning to make its’ way out.

It only takes a moment to feel this way before I know the dam will break.

That seems to be crying for no reason and I think that is part of the bipolar, the sad leading into depression part if we are not aware of our pattern of this.

Sometimes, someone can say something to me and for no reason it has a negative effect even though it was not their intention to make me feel that way.  Nevertheless, I feel as if I have done something wrong or just feel like crying for no reason.  They never said anything cruel.

I think what is might be is that they are saying I do not ask for help with financial things because of pride or whatever the reason.  They are making assumptions and I do not feel capable of defending myself at the time. There words are coming at me so fast and my thinking of a response comes very slow.    I believe they are basing their reaction to my tears because they feel I am weak or overly sensitive.

I try to explain it is not anything that was said.  It is important for me to try to do things for myself and that I do not want to ask anyone out of the mental health family to help me. We understand or try to .  I believe we help each other sometimes by sharing and sometimes just by being there and letting them know we understand.

So my question is, when there is no apparent reason for me to cry is that the bipolar or me being sensitive to nothing.

or

Am I crying because someone has misjudged me and I  believe there is no explaining so they understand.

Why am I crying?  Does this happen to anyone else and do you feel it is part of our illness or  no.

 

Afraid for love to find me

0519ad7f45b8bd8655979ccd7df7e3bd274216-wmThere are days I long for someone understanding of my bipolar,  to find me and love.

Most days I am sure that there is no one who is willing to  deal with or love me as a person with the ups and downs that come with the day to day uncertainly of bipolar mood swings.

I tried it once and it did not work out for many reasons.  Yet I feel that I have to a lot to offer in spite of my mental illness.  The symptoms of the illness may be stable for a while and then decide to show up. The symptoms are what happens but do not define me or what I have to offer someone.

Just because my love is there when things are  fine, will he still be there when I go from one end of the roller coaster to the next.

Will he grow tired of riding it out with me?  Will he have enough and regret his relationship with me.  Will he stay with me being unhappy and ruining any chance of happiness with someone.

I want love to be in a lover’s arm and feel secure that they will love me enough to be strong to ride the waves for me.  I think that is too much to hope.  If they stay, they may ruin their life.  If they go, it may feel like my life is ruined.  I don’t want to find love only to  have it leave in order to not ruin their life and find someone new.

The illustration says it all except more accurately my statement is:

I live with bipolar and want to someone to love and love me.  I am afraid for love to find me because I feel somewhere between the highs of mania and the lows of depression, I am afraid to give and receive love because I do not want to ruin their life.

Life is a gift and I try to treasure the present day as a such.  Yet, there are times when I long to be connected to someone who will not be afraid to stay no matter what end of the spectrum I am at because they will know we can make it together as long as we realize there is no guarantee  mania and depression will return.

Because he loves me and wants to only be with me, he will be beside during the highs and loves and be certain that no matter, I love and treasure him.

He take time to learn not only about the illness but how to help me through episodes, sometimes just being there and not saying a word.  Reassuring me of their love and not staying will not ruin their love but will make our love grow and our bond stronger.

I want to love, but will loving me cause him to one day feel like loving and being with me is ruining his life?

Time will tell, if I take the chance and accept love when it finds me

 

 

Why don’t they see my illness?

When family and friends talk to me or about me, they keep referring to the past.  They actually expect me to be the same.

You used to be ambitious.

You used to want to start a business.

How come you were able to raise a family if you had a mental illness?

You used to be able to work.  Why can’t you work now.

On and on

Many of them do not accept that you can have an undiagnosed illness, mental or physical and function as what they call  “normal”.

By the way, who defines what normal is anyway. Who says that our brain is well and everyone who does not have a mental illness is the one with the sick brain.  I am not being funny, but who determines normal is the same to me as who determines “success”.

I had a conversation with someone and they admitted they did not see me as a person with a mental illness.  They viewed me as the way,  I was before my diagnosis.

A friend of mine answered the questions with one short sentence:

” You were on automatic pilot”

Looking back I now realize the symptoms were always there, even as a teenager.  There were bouts of depression, suicidal thoughts, decreased need for sleep and RAGE

Again, who determines normal?

They do not realize I am still ambitious, but as an advocate for mental illness, drug and alcohol abuse.

I still want to start a business: a safe haven giving people the tools to minimize relapse.

If they would accept that I have a mental illness, they would realize that the sickness was always there but we never suspected anything like a mental illness.

The final example: I had cancer at age 20.  It was there long before I was diagnosed.  Just because it had not been diagnosed, does that mean it was not there?

 

 

 

Life is totally awesme in spite of

Having a mental illness sucks, at least that is my opinion and lots of others.

Out of all the diagnoses I have had over the years, mental illness  is one of the hardest not only to accept,  but fighting it gets tiresome.  It is a never ending battle.

In spite of having a mental illness, I say, life is totally awesome.

Now, just let me explain.

I used to have a friend that was depressed 24/7.  I really felt for this friend.  I could never imagine what that must feel like.  I have a hard time going through hours (mixed episode), days or months being depressed.

Last year, when people started asking me how I was doing, I would say “life is totally awesome”.  Understandably this friend said life was not totally awesome.  No answer of encouragement came to my mind.  My friend had been living like this for years.

It was a draining relationship for both of us. This friend could not deal with my bipolar roller coaster and I could no longer handle their 24/7 depression.  My friend used to laugh at times but then told me it took an effort for them to laugh when they did.

Life is awesome to me because I feel blessed and happy to wake up  in the morning.  Then it continues because I can dress and feed and clothe myself.  It is also awesome because despite having a mental illness there are many good days.

Don’t get me wrong.  When I am depressed it is the furthest thought and comment from my lips.  Thankfully since I have been wearing the Emsam Patch (for major depressive disorder) I have had more good days of peace than days of war.

I did not enlist,but was drafted kicking and screaming.  Sometimes I still kick and scream for the battle of depression to stay its’ distance.

If I can remember to look in the mirror and say, Life is totally awesome, maybe, just maybe I can escape it or at least hold it back a little so it does not have total victory.

Finally, let me jsut say, if nothing else, waking in the morning is the start of an awesome day.

love to all

pb

 

Fighter

Recently I went to the doctor because a mass, cyst, tumor, depending on which doctor you ask, it is what it is.

His medical assistant took the paperwork and checked it with my medical history.

When the Dr. read the information, his comment was “you are a fighter”

I never thought of myself as a fighter  before.  My comment was, if you don’t fight you die.

I am a lot of things that people try to compliment me on and I have a hard time  believing them.   But this I could believe.   “I am a fighter”

We all fight for something we want to hold onto, things people and especially our health.

I fight for my health.  Kidney disease, bipolar, psychogenic non epileptic seizures as well as other diagnosis.  I have been through cancer twice.

Yet, by the grace of God and the strength he gives me, I am still here and life is totally awesome.

I fight like crazy everyday to keep my mind and  body moving.  It is very easy to lay in bed and make excuses to mentally take a trip to a day when you no longer have to work.

That’s okay.  But, we with mental illness diagnosis’s  cannot afford to take the tine off. It is too dangerous.  We might take a day and then another and then another because we let or mind  wonder to a time when we no longer have this bipolar or other mental illness. We know that there is no cure and it becomes discouraging but we have to get up whether we want to or not.

A fighter in the ring, gets knocked down,but he gets back up if he wants to win.

We can get through the depression and manic episodes because we have done it before.  We won the last time because I am here writing this and you are here reading it.

We are VICTORIOUS.

 

stop the crying

I am so sensitive I cannot distinguish between me and the bipolar.  Lately, everyday I break down and cry.  Sometimes, it seems that I even forget to breathe.  What is going on with me?

I am wondering if I need a medication adjustment or am I having mixed episodes from day to day.

I realize people treat you the way they observe you treating yourself. Sometimes I do not think highly of myself and this comes through.  I say negative things and it comes across as being weak minded.  One person called this bipolar drama.  I assured him that having a mental illness is sh**** but think about how the person feels who lives with it everyday.  We cannot help that our brain is sick.

I know this, but it seems as though I am having a hard time changing how I respond to things.  Too sensitive I know, however I have been like this all life.  How do I change?

One person said it is high school sh** and that I need to be like Teflon  I believe that if I were Teflon it would almost dehumanize me.

How do I find the balance in between way too sensitive (usually between depression and mania) and being Teflon?

 

 

Holiday: smile or tears

The start of the holidays are upon us.

Thanksgiving

Christmas

The New Year’s Eve Parties

These are really rough times for me:  crying for unexplained reasons.  Sadness creeping in to the point that I have to be aware on a daily basis all throughout the day that it could easily turn into depression.

These are the main times my thoughts are mixed.  On the one hand I desperately want and feel I need a special man in my life to remind me of how much he loves me and that we will get through this together.  We will find a way to make things stay stable so I don’t sink into that nasty depression.   His arms around me with my head on his shoulder will be comforting and reassuring.

On the flip side of the hand, I might be okay with not having anyone there. I don’t have to worry  if what I am going through will drive him away.  One more deep cutting hurt that only time will take away.  In the meantime, the pain in either case, is excruciating.  I cannot even begin to explain the how this pain feels.  I do not have anything to compare it to.

The difference is that with someone, I am not alone in the storm.  I have someone to hold onto tightly.

The second, not only am I in the storm alone, but I believe all the negative things the storm speaks to my mind.  The strongest thought: I will never have anyone in my life.  The first scenario will never materialize.  Any man seeing me in this situation will run.

So, what do I do????

I have to keep moving.  Stay on the move mentally that is.  When I drive, not only do I listen to music, I have to blast it.  Ironically, sometimes it chases away the sadness, even though it is but for a moment.

I have to be someone there are people.  We don’t have to socialize with each other, just knowing someone is there in the same building lets me know help (conversation, if I need it, is right around the corner).

Times like these (holiday season) I would almost rather be manic.  (Stable is preferable of course, enjoying the holidays would be great)  At least I would find projects to work on, even if I have to create them.  I would find things  comical and be able to socialize better.

But holiday season is never near the feeling of mania.  So, I take it day by day, trying to find things to help me get through the before 5pm part of the day and then the after 5pm part of the day.  Then there is the weekend.  No solution there just yet.

All in all.  I am constantly working on trying to find a solution.  I may never be happy holiday time (not even visiting with all my family) but I would like to be able to smile when around others.  A genuine smile.

I may not have expressed myself clearly.  The bottom line, I would much rather skips the holidays which is the depression season and go to the Spring (my manic season).  at least for a little while.  mania has its own problems.

I guess the real bottom line is that living with bipolar sucks.

 

 

Trying to float without a life preserver

Two weeks ago I was rapid cycling everyday for 3 days in a row.  It was the worst depression I have ever felt all at once.  There was no building up to that moment of excruciating pain.  it just hit me and it was there full force.  It felt like opening a door where there was smoke and a full blown fire hit my whole body.

Now as I begin to tell what happened the feelings and emotions are coming back and I have decided I do not want to relive it.  I will say, it is something that I would not wish on anyone at all.

I miss having the internet at home.  Some say it is a luxury and it may be.  But for me it is a necessity.  Without it, I feel like I am in the water in the dark trying to float without a life preserver.

It keeps me safe from the grips of suicide when there is no one around who understands.  It keeps me safe from thinking of ways to kill myself so that by the time anyone finds me it will be too late to save me.

When a plan begins to formulate in my mind, I get on the internet and begin to post.  I post how I am feeling and I write and write until the noose of suicide is taken from my neck or rather from my thought process.

When the pain is not so great, in the beginning, and suicide tries me to see if I will bite, it is easy to say, I have a lot of living to do.  But when the depression gets loud and overshadows my thinking it takes hearing a voice outside of my own to pull me back from the edge.

Rapid cycling: up and down the see saw of bipolar on the same day.  Manic and depressed to the extreme of each on the same day.  For me, it is not only mentally and physically draining but dangerous as well.

Lately, it seems as though tears have taken the place of laughter and sadness stays longer than joy

I am persistently seeking ways to stay motivated to live life to the fullest regardless of the obstacles called waves (bipolar or other mental illness) that keep pushing me in every direction except the one I want to go in.

Yet I hold to my mantra:” Life is totally awesome”  and that’s because I am still alive.
It bears repeating:  some days the pain is unbearable and I wish I could end it.  The thought of all the pain and questions that I would leave behind as well as the whole in the lives of people I love, slowly puts things into perspective.

After days even months of bearing pain that is worse than labor pains and as much as I hate making this type of comparison, it can sometimes feel worse than the pain of losing someone very dear to you.  You know that pain will subside.  It may never go away, but may become bearable where you can begin to fill alive again and move ahead with life.

A mental illness diagnosis that includes depression does not work that way.  It comes and comes as it pleases.  It stays as long as it pleases.  It grips you as tight as it wants to.  Some times the depression medication works and keeps it at bay and sometimes it doesn’t do such a good job.

We all know how it works.

My point.  We all have more or less the same or similar experiences.  We share, I share so we all know we are  not alone.  We know that, but I myself from time to time need to be reminded that I am not alone in how I feel or what happens to me.  There is some comfort in knowing that.

We are amazing.  We live, We laugh.  We cry, We almost drown (die) while in depression or jump from a building (while manic) because we think we are invincible.  Yet, we survive.

for me, it is because there is a God and He keeps me sane.

be good to you

get a good support system to plug into and stay charged into them.

love to all pb aka peanut butter.