Feel the fury…

 

My mom abandoned me by just taking off and not letting me know.  It is as if secretly she wanted to be away from me.  I still feel betrayed and out of her family loop with 2 sons.051a51fee844998612098296a8dfacdf8d4618-wm

Is she running away from me?  Why did’t I know.  This has been in the plan for a while.

My brother is very angry with me and believes there is no further need for communication

It was alright with me because it did wonders for mystress level.  It declined so well I was slowly getting better.

It is not like my mom to just get and leave the state without telling me.

I know this trip was a plan in the mking for her not to tell me.  I no longer trust her.  It is almost as thought she abandoned me.

Knowing that to her, my youngest brother can do no harm.

It is okay to others in the family that he will curse you like a dog and then be everything is okay.  Well, it is not okay to me.  I don’take it anymore so I texted it to him.

Text messages tell what you are thinging and saying but not your tone or facial expression.

She adores my brother and he can do no wrong as far as he is concerned.  Many see there relationship and tell me “you can’t say nothing  bad around her about your brother.  Everyone sees it except her.

Some of my family is good at lying, bullying, manipulation, favorites among siblings (mine), taking sides but saying they are not involved and  narcissisticism.

I hate the secrets and lies, but that is never going to change.  I hate people not telling me something  because they think they know me and how I am going to react to something.  They make the decision that I do not want to know or that I do not care about what is going on.

Bipolar disorder does not define who I am.  The signs and symtoms just tell you what is wrong in my life.  Why I behave a certain way.  Know bipolar and know me.  They just don’t want to take the time to do it.  They have no interest.  They would rather label me as too blunt, do not care about anyone’s feeling but my own.  These are misconceptions or the way they interprest me.  All they need to do is ask if I am manic if they do  not know the symptoms.    Don’t judge me and label me as insensitive, help me learn how to cope with this illness just as you would any other illness.  I need help with this too.

I feel alone and angry.  Angry at her for leaving or abandoning me.  I feel alone and angry that no one seems to want to be in my life as a companion.  I am angry and feel alone because sometimes all that feeling alone and angry, takes me to rage.  Rage makes me feel I have to isolate and I hate that.  I feel alone when I am alone and get angry at the world including me.

Maybe you think there is nothing wrong with my brain and I am just a mean, spiteful person with and around my family only.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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Queen of me

I finally realized after talking with a friend that I am an amazing woman, with amazing goals.  I know I can reach these goals.

Getting back into them ,will hopefully keep my mind off the other guy.

There are so many projects if I just keep my mind on them

I will not promise myself again that I will not make the first move, which is usually what I do when hyper-sexual.  I have no time for you to wait to move.  I take things into my own hands.

A couple of times I felt crappy months later when I realized the impulsive things I had done.  You cannot force something that is not there.

Which do you think I should say and expect from him

There is not really anything.  No magic , nothing that pulls me toward him.

Some could say, let him know we can only be friends.  I really don’t see this going anywhere else.  I hate to tell him I am not really attracted to him.  He kept saying he was coming to help me move some furniture.  He never showed up, nor did he give me the curt icy  of a phone call.  That is really a big pet peeve of mine, not  changing plans but no notice.

Just let him know we can only be friends.

or just walk away ad say nothing.

What do yo think I should do?

Should I keep seeing him as a fiend, maybe in time my feelings or lack of will begin to grown of him.