I need love to mom

silhouette of mother kissing her daughter

Mom,

Why did you leave me not once but twice?

Did you think I could handle it better as an adult?

Guess what mom?

There is no difference in the pain.

Reluctantly, you told me you would be leaving town for a few days

and would let me know when.

You did leave, but you did not tell me

Sneaking  out of town to be with the child to whom

I  do not exist

There was a family gathering while you were there

Everyone was there except one

Me

I was the uninvited guest that no one missed

I know you love all others but what don’t you love me.

Am I so unworthy that you would just leave me here alone.

Mom

Please pray God take this pain and anger away

We will never have the same relationship that was already frail

But this goes beyond, accepting an apology I will never get

It destroys what little trust I had left.

I need to let you know I have never known in this life what

being loved feels like from a family of a parent and sibling.

I was told I was part of that family

When will it be done

When will I be another one of your children that you see doing no wrong

After all is said and done, maybe I do not know how to receive love.

Do you think that is it?

 

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Subject jumper part 1

 

Dolphins In Hawaii

Lately, I go to bed anywhere between 2 and 4 am.  I usually have to force myself to lay down.  My body is tired but my mind is racing.

I lay down and get up and lay down and get up.  I do not know how often I repeat this ritual before I finally doze off.  It is never for long.  I look at the clock and cannot believe it has only been 20- 30 minutes.  As many times as I try to stay asleep my mind will not have it.

Every morning I roll over for the final time since I laid down and I ask God what is wrong with me.  I know something is wrong but I cannot figure it out.

I fall and cannot move, I am alone.  I have seizures, I am alone.  My bed is cold and empty and I do not want to be there alone any more, but I am.

It seems as though I am always alone except for periods of time I spend with an amazing friend of mine.  No judgement, no holds barred on topics, laughter, crying, being silly and lots of chocolate.  Best time of the day, everyday.

Every good thing comes to an end sooner or later.  Temporarily or permanently.  I hope this is one of those good things that last for a while.  It is all I have to enjoy right now.

My relationship with some family members have always seemed foreign to me. By that I mean, I have always felt I was on the outside of the family dynamics I was born into, but never really felt like I was a part of it.  I know this is considered stinking thinking but it has been with me so long that I forever believe it.

I know I am loved in my head, but never in my heart.  I can never remember what it felt like to be embraced as a child, although I surely must have been.

According to the standard of others I am no longer motivated, ambitious or I am a lazy thinker and will quickly say, I do not know how to do something.  It has been said to me that I do not have confidence in who I am.

Why judge me according to your standards?

I am still motivated and ambitious. You just cannot see them because you have not realized I have changed.

end of part 1

I can make it on my own….

One of my favorite songs is by Patti La belle: It’s a new day”

I am going to print the lyrics and put them in my car and on my mirror and yes, even the door to the garage.

Everyday is a new day even though the bipolar is there and I don’t know how I will be that day.  Will I function well, be manic, depressed, have mixed episodes.  I don’t know and I am not silly enough to even try to think ahead and figure it out.  I just know that it is a new day and anything and everything good, bad and not so good can happen, but life is never boring.

One line of the song says,” I decided long ago, I can make it on my own.  Gonna be alright, gonna be alright, yeah”.

Today I realized how true that is.  I remembered that 10 years ago before I moved out of our marital home, I said to myself, I am going to be alright.  I can make it on my own.

Mary J Blige,” I can do bad all by myself”.  So, if I can do bad by myself, I damn sure can do good all by myself.

I have to be able to be alright and do good by myself before someone comes along.  He needs to see, damn she has what??? and has it together.  She is a fighter every day to live on her own terms despite the terms the bipolar sets for her.  I admire her spirit and tenacity and how she advocates for herself and others.  What an amazing woman.  I can love her through the ups and downs.  I may not know what to say at times, but I believe just being there for her without judgement, knowing it is her illness, will greatly help keep us together.

If no one comes along for a loving relationship, I am still gonna be alright.  Life is good whatever state of mind I am in because I was depressed, manic, suicidal,  had mixed episodes and rage.  I lost some relationships along the way, that will never be repaired.  I have had to accept that some people in my family do not understand, but it is what it is.  It is a sick part of my brain.  I am happy to know that it does not last forever.

I am reminded of a scripture in the bible says, God will put no more on us than we can bare.  Well, that has been true in the past and I have to keep holding on to that when I wonder how will I get through this because I am not only gonna be alright, even in the midst of chaos, I am alright because even though it does not feel like it at the moment, this depression or mania will pass.

 

 

Trying to float without a life preserver

Two weeks ago I was rapid cycling everyday for 3 days in a row.  It was the worst depression I have ever felt all at once.  There was no building up to that moment of excruciating pain.  it just hit me and it was there full force.  It felt like opening a door where there was smoke and a full blown fire hit my whole body.

Now as I begin to tell what happened the feelings and emotions are coming back and I have decided I do not want to relive it.  I will say, it is something that I would not wish on anyone at all.

I miss having the internet at home.  Some say it is a luxury and it may be.  But for me it is a necessity.  Without it, I feel like I am in the water in the dark trying to float without a life preserver.

It keeps me safe from the grips of suicide when there is no one around who understands.  It keeps me safe from thinking of ways to kill myself so that by the time anyone finds me it will be too late to save me.

When a plan begins to formulate in my mind, I get on the internet and begin to post.  I post how I am feeling and I write and write until the noose of suicide is taken from my neck or rather from my thought process.

When the pain is not so great, in the beginning, and suicide tries me to see if I will bite, it is easy to say, I have a lot of living to do.  But when the depression gets loud and overshadows my thinking it takes hearing a voice outside of my own to pull me back from the edge.

Rapid cycling: up and down the see saw of bipolar on the same day.  Manic and depressed to the extreme of each on the same day.  For me, it is not only mentally and physically draining but dangerous as well.

Lately, it seems as though tears have taken the place of laughter and sadness stays longer than joy

I am persistently seeking ways to stay motivated to live life to the fullest regardless of the obstacles called waves (bipolar or other mental illness) that keep pushing me in every direction except the one I want to go in.

Yet I hold to my mantra:” Life is totally awesome”  and that’s because I am still alive.
It bears repeating:  some days the pain is unbearable and I wish I could end it.  The thought of all the pain and questions that I would leave behind as well as the whole in the lives of people I love, slowly puts things into perspective.

After days even months of bearing pain that is worse than labor pains and as much as I hate making this type of comparison, it can sometimes feel worse than the pain of losing someone very dear to you.  You know that pain will subside.  It may never go away, but may become bearable where you can begin to fill alive again and move ahead with life.

A mental illness diagnosis that includes depression does not work that way.  It comes and comes as it pleases.  It stays as long as it pleases.  It grips you as tight as it wants to.  Some times the depression medication works and keeps it at bay and sometimes it doesn’t do such a good job.

We all know how it works.

My point.  We all have more or less the same or similar experiences.  We share, I share so we all know we are  not alone.  We know that, but I myself from time to time need to be reminded that I am not alone in how I feel or what happens to me.  There is some comfort in knowing that.

We are amazing.  We live, We laugh.  We cry, We almost drown (die) while in depression or jump from a building (while manic) because we think we are invincible.  Yet, we survive.

for me, it is because there is a God and He keeps me sane.

be good to you

get a good support system to plug into and stay charged into them.

love to all pb aka peanut butter.

Great News

Last week I received a phone call at night from my pulmonary Dr., it was not a good call.

Because of the blood in the fluid they drew from around my lung, there was a chance I had cancer again.

When I first hung up the phone and called my mom to tell her I felt fine.  Then for some reason I broke down and started crying.

Friday, he was supposed to call me back after the full pathology report came back and when he did not I started to worry.

Saturday morning I was a wreck.  Anxiety was high and even with the anxiety medication it took a while for me to calm down just to get dressed.

My legs and hands were shaking.  For the first time, I believed that it could be cancer even though I was confident before that it was not.  I don’t know the reason for the sudden change.

A really good friend arranged to take me some place on Saturday to keep my mind off things.  it worked.  I  had a great time and did not think about it.

Yesterday and today I was not worried about it.  In my heart I just knew I did not have cancer.

The doctor finally called today and told me the good news.  It is not cancer.

What if I went through went the :”It would be so easy to ….?  What if?

I praise God for not going through with it, for the thought that immediately came “You have dreams to live out”  That thought and the inside joy got me through the weekend with the help of my friend.

love to all

pb: Persistently and passionately pursuing my dream(s) and making them become a reality one by one.

Danger, Danger!!

This was initially handwritten to share with you on 12/17/15

As I sit here, I am attempting as clearly as possible to share what could have easily been a last moment for me.

In a split second my life could  be gone with a minuscule thought and I would have been a memory to some, a vapor to others and not even a thought to more people.

As I took up the bottle of prescribed medication, an instant thought occurred:” It would be so easy to pour the whole bottle of pills into my hand and take them as one big pill,so easy”.

Immediately the thought was replaced with “You still  have dreams to live out”

I took the pill as prescribed and put the bottle down.

I was still upset over bad news but I was glad I did not act impulsively on that thought that took one brief moment to formulate in my mind, heart and emotions.

I would not want my legacy to end with “Her life had value to others but none to herself”

Wow- what a powerful statement, my thoughts say as I read that statement to myself.

My greatest desire is to touch the lives of others whether it was because I gave a warm smile, a loving hug, a word of encouragement or just made you laugh by being silly when I could not get you to smile even for a moment.  Touching someone’s life in a positive, uplifting moment, no matter how brief the encounter, is what gives my life purpose and great pleasure.  It is what makes me, simply me.

That desire and thankfulness to God for the gift of life everyday is what gives me passion for life. It is that passion that is so powerful that it can override thoughts to quickly and forever end emotional and physical pain.  It can end the pain of knowledge of physical illness and having a mental illness, a mental illness that can at any moment cause major relationship destruction, depression or put my life in danger.

That moment of “It would be so easy to…” is a dangerous moment many if not all of us have come face to face with.

I need, you need, we all need, with and without a mental illness, to remember: not only is each day a gift, but each moment.

Live each moment that you can with gusto, with passion, with an inside joy so strong it will help you get through those “How easy it would be…” times.

I have a small plaque on my desk that reads: Don’t dream your life, live your dream.

I promise to live every moment of everyday of wellness spending time moving toward living my dream(s).

Remember, I love all of you.  You are part of me, a part that makes me feel safe when mental illness tries to make me feel worthless and that no one cares.

You make me feel safe to share my fears without judgement or ridicule.

You encourage me, lift me and give me added strength to never give up.

Thank you from my heart.

Be good to you.  Don’t dream your life, live your dream every moment of everyday of wellness.  This will get you through the “It would be so easy to…” times because you will remember you have dreams to live and do not have time to take your life.

Love to all

pb: Positively and passionately pursuing my dream.  Promising to live each wellness day with inside joy to get through those  “It would be so easy to…” moments of stinking thinking.

A different kind of year

I am totally loving my life this year.  I don’t just mean from January 2014, I mean this year as in from 09/2013 to present.

First of all, I must thank God that I have not been depressed.  Last calendar year,  I was depressed starting late September and did not start to feel better until Dec. 2013

I thank God that my medication(s) have been the same for the last year.  The Dr. did add another medication {Latuda}.  It is for mania but sometimes it also helps me sleep.  It is a bonus when it does.

Overall, I have been doing and feeling very well.  I have been awesome.  Life is awesome.   When you purpose, plan and pursue awesomeness within yourself, you can have an awesome day.  That’s all we can ask for on a daily basis.

 

Love to all,

pb

PERSISTENTLY PURSUING MY PASSION AS A PEER SUPPORT

Everyone needs a hand up

Proud of me and loving me

What I have learned about me.
I love who I am and make no apologies to anyone.
When you see me, you see the real me: the good, the bad and the not so good. So when you love me, you accept and love all of me.
When you have me as a friend, I am your friend for life and I have your back.
I am not perfect and I do not strive to be. It is am impossible task for me and I use my energy to perfect the areas that I am proficient in and learn things I currently have little or no knowledge about.
I try to love everyone with the love of God because my human love fails.
I am a Precious human being, created by the almighty God.
I am Persistently Pursuing my Passion to be a Peer to Specialist in Mental Health and AOD because everyone needs and deserves a hand up.
I am a Mental Health advocate because I am tired of stigma attached to it. My job is to educate people so they do not continue to stigmatize people who are just like everyone else without a mental illness.

Bipolar does not define who I am.  There are no two people with bipolar who are the same, just as no two people without mental illness are the same.  We are all unique individuals with a lot to give.

We all love and desire to be loved.  We need and want to be needed.  We appreciate and want to be appreciated.  We understand and want to be understood.  We hear and want to be heard.

We are just as proud of ourselves as anyone else.

Above all that I am, I AM UNIQUELY ME

love to all,

pb aka peanut butter

What do I say now?

For a while I stopped posting because I was not depressed and thought I had nothing to say.  My therapist strongly suggested that I start again and so I did.

Now I am at a point again of thinking I have nothing to say.  This could be true or it could be stinking thinking trying to slip in.

I have been asked why I divulge so much of myself and I explained that this is my place to let people see the whole me.  The good, the bad and the not so good.  Trying to hide parts of who I am or what I have been through seems to give me a feeling of being lost.  Openness seems to free me.

How can I be me when I hide parts of me?  Everything I have overcome and am facing right now, are all part of what makes me uniquely me.

We are all unique in our way.  The problem is that some of us never realize this and go through life lonely, lost, feeling defeated and asking God why were we ever born.

This was my life until recently, before then, there were very brief moments that I saw a glimmer of being someone special but that did not last for long.

Now, finally, I know without a doubt that I am just as special and unique as everyone else, but in my own way, just as everyone is. It has taken me a long time to really believe that in my heart.  Now that it is in my heart, no one can take that away from me, not even stinking thinking.

Negative thinking and self doubt still knock at the door and sometimes I slip and crack the door a bit, but quickly realize what is on the other side and slam the door.  “I am unique and somebody with a purpose for living”, I quickly tell myself.

I am a bit more aware of my symptoms and can apply my wellness tools before the symptoms take root and turn into a full blown episode of depression.  I have to work on recognizing mania sooner.

What I have come to realize is that when I have extremely busy days back to back to back, it is hard for me recognize the beginning of mania.  Lately I have not recognized it until I felt rage.  When I hear myself say, “My head is full”, as funny as that sounds, I know mania has been here for a while and I am only a couple of steps from full blown.

With full blown mania, it is not safe for me to drive or be around people.  I have to protect the people in my life from my rage by isolating myself.  The isolation usually leads to depression and I drop like a roller coaster drops when it reaches the top of the ride.

Now that I know isolation is a trigger for depression, with sadness and/ or mania as precursors, I need to slow down and be more aware of my moods and actions: they will tell me a lot.

I guess I did have something to share.  I guess I will keep posting.

Sometimes it gets a little discouraging but then I remember that I started posting for 2 reasons.  One reason was to find others who could relate to things I was experiencing, feeling and wondering about.  The other reason I started and keep posting is to free my mind of the overloading thoughts.  Those are the main reasons I started (beside the fact that my therapist suggested it as an assignment).   Now I do it hoping that it encourages someone or lets someone reading it know that they are not alone in how they feel.

I know sometimes what I say may seem jumbled or illogical, but ” it is what it is” and what it is, is how I feel.  I hope you will keep reading and I hope people will keep leaving comments.  The comments I have received have been encouraging and keep me going in so many things I do.

love and appreciation to all,

pb aka peanut butter

Healing

I have had cancer twice, almost died twice from high blood pressure at age 15, was addicted to drugs and was an alcoholic.

For 23 years I was abused by my ex-husband in ways that I could not say out loud in divorce court so I walked away with only my life and a few pennies he was forced to give me so that I would sign the house deed over to him.

Once I was diagnosed with bipolar, I did not divulge that I was still doing drugs.  I kept doing drugs while taking the medication for bipolar.

After feeling like I was having a heart attack for the third time, I decided that I was not leaving this world due to drug use.  My alcohol use had already stopped.   I prayed at that moment for God to deliver me from drugs and I have not touched them since that night. The funny thing is that I was living with someone who was lighting up at that very moment.  Even though I kept living with that person  for  a while after I stopped, it never bothered me.  I never craved drugs again.

Now my biggest challenge is living with bipolar, anxiety and an array of other health problems.

Life is good and I am healing more and more from my past everyday.  Healing is a process and my goal is to help others who are victims of domestic violence, drug users, alcoholics and those who live and struggle with mental illness everyday.  Helping others is part of my healing journey and that is what makes it a process.

Today,  driving to my place of refuge, the rain was coming down and I asked God to keep the sun shining inside of me even though it was raining on the outside and that He would use me to bring a smile or a laugh to someone today: this is my medicine.

Have you started your healing process?

love to all,

pb aka peanut butter